 |
 |
|
|
| Personal Advice Columns |
|
Favorite Links
Topic Archives to find past Dear Mrs. Web Columns
How to Email Newsprint Columns and Column Linking Information
|
Daily Columns Archives
Fan-Mail, Not an Equal, Successful
Life? Mad Momma and
Guilt and Shame
Dear Mrs. Web,
Grateful thanks for your kind words.
Dear Mrs. Web needed that! The site is growing by leaps and bounds
and her readers and correspondents are world-wide, from every
continent...
Except for Antarctica! Come on
Antarctica! Isn't there anyone there who needs to visit Dear Mrs. Web? Dear Mrs. Web, I am a 20 year old college student. I have been
involved with my boyfriend for 9
months, and prior to that we knew each other for 6 years. We are now having problems. I do not
want to spend any time with him. I think this is a result of his unwillingness
to consider that I am taking on a double course-load at college so I can graduate a year early. When I tell him I have to stay home and do
homework, he gets very whiny and complains that he won't get to see
me. Between my school work and his demands I rarely have any time to myself to
work out or do anything else I like to do. I am very annoyed with him because he
seems to lack ambition. I am a very ambitious person...I want to
change the world. Although I don't expect everyone to have the same motivation,
he seems to have none. He is twenty-four and seems perfectly content to
continue living at home. We have discussed buying house together in the
future, and I came up with a plan to save money for a down payment hoping that
he could plan to match my savings. When I told him about my plan and asked him
what he would do, he said he would sell his bike. That is a big sacrifice for
him, but he might get $1,000 out of it as compared to the $4500 I was planning
on saving. Currently he is in an extremely low paying job, but
he hopes to land an electrician apprenticeship. The
only thing he has to do before applying for the apprenticeship is finish an algebra course he is taking online...which
he won't do! He refuses to do the work, even with my help. I understand
not enjoying a required course but he does have to doe it to meet the ultimate goal. I am working hard to ensure myself a
better life by going to school and I plan to continue my education starting
right after graduation. By the time I am his age, I will have 2 B.S. degrees
and will be working on my graduate degree. Although I understand that school
isn't the path for everyone, I am afraid that I will put
myself through all of this to try to make my life better and wind up with a
man who can barely make it through. I want to be
comfortable in life. How can I talk to him about this without making him think
I don't think he makes enough money? Are these differences reconcilable? Let's
be honest, you don't think he will make enough money. Marry your equal or better.
You have drive and he doesn’t. Some one who has a similar vision,
and is willing to work for it. Do you want him
to be a stay-at-home father? If not, find someone with more push, not an
anchor. People
with your kind of drive will also benefit by reading
Rich Dad, Poor Dad Dear Mrs. Web: I
cannot imagine why you think you have it all. It sounds like a difficult,
exhausting and lonely life. This may be time for you to rethink your priorities
and find the kind of work and community so you can just sit, talk, and laugh.
You may want to consider what kind of past experiences in your life may have
led you to such a lonely existence. It is time for you to dream,
plan and move towards the life, connections and commitments that will fill
your heart and challenge you. We
live in a culture that tells men and women that all that is needed in life are
"things" and "celebrity." Extended family groups are gone, nuclear
families are atomized at will, and only the me, myself and I counts.
Of course, this is a lie. Most people want and need a beloved and
relationships ties. Stop listening to the common culture telling you
what you are supposed to feel and do. Instead face the truth, decide
what is really important and make it your life. Dear Mrs. Web, They never visit us on holidays and
now this girl is angry with me for not helping with her wedding plans.
I told her I just could not understand why we were celebrating a wedding when
the marriage began three years ago. I also told her that I could not
compromise my morals and values to be happy for her. She became very angry and
yelled at me. I just don't understand her, she wants a huge wedding.
Now, she is asking us to pay for the alcohol for the wedding and help with the
seating chart - I am not even going to call her back - why should we help? This is your son and his future
wife. This is the woman he has chosen. By your actions during this time you
will determine what kind of future you will have with your son, his wife and
your future grandchildren. If you disagreed with the moral footing that began the
relationship you should have addressed it with your son three years ago.
Dear Mrs. Web assumes that this young woman did not leash your son against his
will and force him to sleep with her. Although nothing surprises Dear
Mrs. Web these days (big sigh). Stop attacking your soon-to-be daughter-in-law. The groom’s family traditionally pays
for the rehearsal dinner. Apparently your son and his future wife have other
ideas. I would sit down with your son and discuss politely and with grace what
you will do to help them in this wedding. Don’t blow up your family because
things are not going your way. It is not your job to be happy. It is your job
to be polite, helpful, pleasant, and considerate about this wedding. Bite your tongue and
call your future daughter-in-law about the seating charts. Dear
Mrs. Web. I was
married to an abusive, drinking and gambling man. We had two
children. During that time I had an affair with a married man.
Although he initiated the relationship, in our town I was blamed for the
relationship and I became the talk of the town. He stayed with his wife
and I divorced my husband. I am
now remarried. I have a wonderful husband who is supportive and knows
about the whole situation. We also have a new baby together. We
stay away from the party crowd. Occasionally we have an activity where I
come face to face with my former lover. His wife enjoys making me
miserable. I feel
terrible. I still feel I am unworthy of anything, I feel I don't deserve to
have God's forgiveness, I feel I don't deserve to have any friends. I
feel that every time we go somewhere people are whispering. Am I too worried
about what others think? My friends tell me that I am yesterday's news (
this sort of thing happens all the time in our town).
When I
see the man I was involved with I become very angry. He can walk around
town and not feel any remorse about what happened, while I hang my head in
shame and feel like I have been branded with the scarlet letter.
I am a
very good mother, the one thing I have going for me. But other then that, I
feel as if I am headed for hell, because I am such a rotten person. Please
give advice on how to live my life with pleasure again, Or is this my
punishment?
This
is not your punishment. However, this is the fall-out from your unthinking and
brokenhearted behaviors. You live in a small town and in small towns you
are forgiven (However, wronged wives rarely forgive!) but your deeds
will never be forgotten. You
are yesterday’s news and all you can do is hold your head high and detach
from other people's reactions. You have no idea what your former lover
is feeling inside. The only person you have to worry about is you and your
reactions. You
are a good mother with a loving husband and a good life. You are not a rotten
person, but you did something wrong. So, has Dear Mrs Web (as hard as it may
be for you to believe!!!) and billions of others on this planet. I am
not trying to minimize your pain but since your are Christian you must realize
that all sins are covered by God’s grace. You need to learn more about grace
and how it works. For with grace, you can look at your wrongs and realize that
you are forgiven. Is there a church or a minister in your community, or
even a wise older woman who can help you find the grace you need that will
give your heart peace?
Crude Family, The Other Woman,
and
Being Used
Dear Mrs. Web, My problem is that my family
members are always treating me like crap. I try to tell them I don't
appreciate it. When I try to talk on the phone with my friends they
always seem to pick it up and yell something like "Get the f*** off the
phone." What should I tell them to make
them stop? I am not sure one can train
family members to be less crude, unless they are one's offspring and the
rewards are significant like food, shelter, car keys... You could start by being less
crude yourself. Contrary to popular opinion "crap" is a crude
word. So is "suck," which now seems to mean "I don't like it."
Dear Mrs. Web would discuss crudity and low language standards but she has diapers to
change and pies to make. In the meantime, perhaps you
could have a telephone line of your own installed. Usually a second line in
the same house costs a fraction of the first line (in our area about $7 a
month) and many families have one. Dear Mrs. Web, My husband and I have been married for seven months. We are both in our
early 40's and it's the first marriage for each of us. We adore each other and
thank God everyday that we found true love. There is only one topic that
causes us conflict and that is his old college friend, Susanne. He's always deeply cared about her
and
even proposed marriage to her in college. However, she always insisted on being
"just friends" and the friendship continues to this day. At one point in my
husband's life, he didn't even date other people - he was so heart broken
over Susanne that he felt that if he couldn't have her - he didn't want anyone
else.
She is married (2nd marriage) and
has 3 children that call my husband "Uncle." They see each other about
twice a year. Usually my husband travels to their house (an 8 hour trip) and
stays the weekend. They exchange presents on birthdays and Christmas. He
always sends Susanne and the children very nice gifts, and a trinket to her
husband at Christmas - no birthday present.
My husband and Susanne speak on the
phone about once a month, less frequent since our wedding. Several things make
me uncomfortable with this relationship. First, even though they describe this
relationship as being with the entire family, the gifts sent to my husband
include a card signed simply "Love Susanne" and does not include her husband and children. On
the other hand, my husband has included both our names on gifts sent to them
since our engagement. Second, Susanne sends my husband
photographs - but her husband is never in the picture.
Third, we visited Susanne and her
family. I found her difficult to tolerate. She has a domineering personality, talks non-stop and is very controlling. Her husband
just seemed glad to have other people there to listen and entertain her - I
think he welcomed the break. Most of the visit he spent in the bedroom asleep
(he has chronic fatigue syndrome).
My husband gives her undivided
attention and complements. Also, at this visit she emphasized her friendship
with my husband, how he was part of her life
I really don't want to be around
this woman, however I can't ask my husband to give up a friendship of 20
years. He knows I don't feel comfortable but doesn't understand why. He says
he sees thinks of her as a sister and cannot understand why we can't all be
friends.
However, he says I am his one and
only and he'll let the friendship drift away if it's going to cause problems
with our marriage. Somehow, I feel guilty for asking him to let a
friendship of 20 years fade away. It's not his nature to leave friends behind.
At the same time, I feel funny with the relationship. What do you think?
I think it is time for him to make the break. I think that you are
uncomfortable for valid reasons. There is nothing like having an ex in
one's life to keep one from really having to fully commit to one's marriage! Stop feeling guilty for asking your husband to stop seeing his ex-girlfriend.
Dear Mrs. Web,
I feel like I am failing life. I just
lost my
job and now all the responsibility is on my husband, and I feel terrible about
it. We have bills that are due and our
expenses are piling up. I have my children living with us and two of
them are old enough to work. Of the two, one has a job and helps out
financially and the other is still in school. But they both have friends who
also live here - a total of four friends. Is it wrong to ask them all for
financial help, the oldest of the friends who is staying with us
is working with my son. They don't get paid that often and it is hard
for them to help out. There is also a girlfriend of one of my son's staying
here and she hides what money she makes from us. I feel like telling the all to get
out but I don't see what help that would be, they are all of age. I feel that
they are all taking advantage of us. I think that you are being sucked dry.
You are telling me that you have two young men who work but don't get paid "that often?" What are they doing? Volunteer work? Everybody gets paid. Something tells me that there is a little, tiny violin singing a song here.
It is time to start charging room and board, the going rate, not the soft-headed rate. At least $100 per week per person. Call it reality-therapy.
I imagine you are feeling like you are failing because you have been playing doormat. Get up. Find a job, even if it is a part-time one.
Interracial Relationships
Dear Mrs Web,
I'm 15 years old. I've been dating this guy for 2 months now, and we are really into each other. I am white and my boyfriend is black. My parents met him and seemed to like him. But a few days later they told me that I was too young to be going out with him and they told me I had to break up with him, right away. The reason is that they don't want me to date a black guy.
I got really mad. I honestly don't see the problem here. I mean they are entitled to their opinions but once they start trying to tell me to go against what I believe, well...I think they is stepping over the line.
My dad said that he thought I was just going out with my boyfriend to get attention. That is not true. I really like my boyfriend, we both have a lot on common. We get along great, we have the same viewpoints, we have a lot of the same friends, and I really want to be able to have a long relationship with him. I hate how my parents are trying to control my life.
I have always done what I'm supposed to, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and I don't have sex. I get good grades, yet when I have a boyfriend my parents want to interfere and try to make me think he's bad and that I'm only trying to get attention. The only thing I do to try to get attention is get good grades. I have been trying to make my parents proud of me, but they never seem to notice.
They have been kind of mad at me and abrupt as if they are trying to ruin my good mood and try to make me unhappy. I just really don't know what to do. I feel like the only good thing is my boyfriend yet he feels like he's ruining my life, when he isn't. It's not his fault my parents are racist.
How to I get my parents to stop being racists and have everything be ok again?
Your parents do not consider interracial relationships appropriate and disapprove of you having an interracial relationships. They are in good company for almost 66 % or 2/3 of the country disapproves of interracial relationships. Blacks and whites. Most of the people who disapprove of interracial relationships are not racists. Most likely, neither are your parents.
Parents, both black and white, at times, do not want their children involved in interracial relationships for many reasons. They see interracial relationships as more difficult, and as being unfair to the grandchildren. Parents sometime prefer that their children stay within their own racial group, eschewing the risk of racial tension. Parents are sometimes fearful of the unknown and different. This is an age-old issue when ethnic and racial differences are crossed.
Obviously, I disagree.
However, these are all reasonable concerns, not racist concerns. Parents want what they think is best for their children and want them to avoid pain. Your parents see problems in interracial relationships.
So calling your parents racists may be dramatic, but it is not effective, nor necessarily true. Racist is a very strong word. Your parents are making decisions for their own reasons. It may be fruitful for you to talk about the "why."
You want your parents to leave you alone in this decision. They are your parents and they have made this issue a decision that they wish to direct. Your parents are the ones who have raised and supported you. They are responsible for you until you are 18.
Your work as a young teen is to learn how you are different from your parents and to learn how you want to live your life as an adult. You will be, in some ways, very different from your parents. and you will make different choices as an adult. Adult happens when you are 18 and self- supporting. But as a child, supported by your parents, you are to follow their guidance and rules.
Dear Mrs. Web is not saying that you should change your beliefs or in any way agree with them. Obviously, I agree with your perspective. Dear Mrs Web is not ruling out winsomely discussing interracial issues with your parents, if they are open to it.
However, this is your parents home and they have the final say. Their opinion is a tough thing to live with, but will be great experience for you as you develop into an adult and give marvelous tone to your character. Learning to be with (and even love) those with whom we disagree is an excellent exercise in true diversity.
Report from the Frontlines Older Boyfriend, and Internet Sex
Dear Mrs. Web,
I wrote to you over a year ago about some marital problems and got some good advice -- at the very least you eased my suffering with your sane approach. I am happy to report that
we are still
married and the prospects are excellent.
Childish adults cause great havoc in our culture. They are irresponsible, and do not parent the children they produce. It is time to stand up for the grown-ups.
Dear Mrs. Web,
Our daughter of 18 has recently met a 28 year-old trainer at the gym. At first, I thought it was friendship but recently we discovered it is more.
My husband and I told her that the relationship was unacceptable. He is too old. He is divorced with a 5 yr old boy. Our daughter is torn because she knows that we are upset about this. She says that she is not truly happy because we won't allow her to be due to the fact that we will not accept this. But... she continues to see him.
My husband refuses to get to know him. I have met him and he seems like a very nice person. I believe he really cares for her. Still, I can not deal with this. She has only dated one other boy in high school and I thought she would take her time as she started college this year. I see so many problems with this and have expressed them to her but again she does not understand. Please help.
I think you have an eighteen year old adult in your life who is involved with a divorced man with a child. You have expressed your concerns and reservations. She has continued to see him.
She is leaving for college in less than a month. I think that the relationship and communication you both establish will be beneficial to you. She is striking out on her own and you do not have to agree with her choices but you do need to respect that that they are her choices.
If she makes choices that go against your moral beliefs, you may also make choices : such as to withdraw your financial support and give her all the responsibilities of adulthood.
In your shoes, I would be polite, but not overwhelmingly cordial towards the love interest.
Dear Mrs. Web,
You offered very sensible advice some time ago about an office dilemma ( a co-worker with an enthusiasm for very strong perfume) -- now I hope you can do the same for a personal issue.
I've have a boyfriend whom I love, adore and hope to spend my life with. He is a wonderful man: thoughtful, appreciative and respectful in nearly every way except one. He' has this thing with his Internet screen names. They are blatantly sexual and he promotes himself on his profile pages as single or undisclosed. I've asked him why he says he is single and he either tosses it off with, oh, it's an old profile or he becomes cranky and says I am checking up on him.
Dilemma: He casually mentioned a nickname in conversation that sounded quite like a screen handle some time ago, and I've kept an eye out for it, here and there. It finally showed today, and when I asked him what he did today, he said he was home sleeping, though he'd been online for hours! He had updated the profile I knew about yesterday and the 'single' remains. He insists he is not chatting, but why wouldn't he mention the new names to me?
Things in the relationship appear (to me at least!) to be going well, we are planning to move in together, his business is thriving and my career is solid.
I am mistrustful and it seems that he is out there chatting with others. It feels like cheating. What other reason could a partnered man in his early thirties have to do out there with a nickname as such? I want to trust him but feel kind of squeamish about what might be going on.
Am I being dramatic? I am in my early thirties also and generally consider myself a realist. I don't worry about the occasional Playboy, and am not unsettled if he comments on another woman's attributes. He is always very complimentary to me, and I am confident that he is sincere. He is what I would call a healthy possessive, he considers us a pair and would definitely be upset if I did this sort of thing. We have a healthy, fulfilled (read between) relationship but I don't want to share him with others, even if it's in cyberspace, or a fantasy as such! Am I neurotic? Should I let it go and not worry about it? Would I be a patsy if I considered this trivial? I love him and want to trust him entirely, this is the only thing that makes me a little unnerved.
You are not being squeamish. On-line porn and sex is one of the biggest marriage-killers around. This is not trivial, your beloved is out on the Internet trolling for women and looking for sexual excitement. On-line sex is repetitive, with addictive qualities. Men and women who participate are filling their mind with impossible fantasies and stepping away from the reality of sex as a component of married love. Instead screen-sex becomes a lonely exercise in excitement and self release. It is selfish, immature sex.
He is not "partnered." You are.
Waiting rooms in marriage counseling offices all over the country are packed with marriages that have died because of the increasing allure and titillation of the internet. I consider it very important and if he were my beloved I would not permit this sort of thing in my marriage.
I would confront this issue directly. It isn't going to get any better and it could get a lot worse.
Dear Mrs. Web would recommend that you not marry this man until this issue is cleared up. She also strongly encourages you to think twice about living with someone without the bonds of marriage. If this is the man you want to marry, it will be more likely that you will marry, if you avoid first living together.
|
|
©
2000-2016 Dear Mrs Web Industries.
Direct corrections and technical inquiries to [email protected] All other inquiries to i[email protected]
|
