Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

In our area schools, there is zero-tolerance when a child hits another child. The child who hit, as young as kindergarten or first grade, is suspended. Then family is called in and the child has to go through a special training program. What do you think of this?

Young children are developmentally kinesthetic (touch and movement oriented) and it is sad that they would be so ostracized for doing what comes naturally. I am not saying that hitting is right, just that it is a natural response for young children.

The civilizing process teaches children when a physical response is appropriate. In the classroom, children should be taught not to hit, but zero-tolerance is ridiculous. It ignores biology and developmental facts. If my child went to a school with this sort of attitude, I would find a different school.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a senior in high school. I am a writer, have won awards and scholarships for my writing, and am planning to attend an excellent college with my scholarship monies.

I have had a close relationship with my English teacher. She has encouraged me for years and has provided me the skills and the methods to become a good writer. She has always told me that I am the best student she has had in all her teaching years.

Last year another teacher was added to the department and although I have had no problem with the new teacher, I noticed that the relationship between my English teacher and me deteriorated dramatically. She became negative and started criticizing my work. I let her know that I did not like it. She then, would gang up on me with the new teacher and both would be very critical. I stopped hanging around her schoolroom after school. I even had to have my mother come in and meet with the principal over the criticism.

I became upset over some accusations about my work that were not true and went straight to my English teacher to confront her. It ended in a yelling fit. The next day in the class I was so angry with a fellow classmate that I threw a pencil and shouted. I was taken down to the office and barred from her class. My English teacher and I have not spoken since this incident. I am not permitted to take another class with her, therefore do not have any advanced writing classes to take in my senior year.

She has deeply hurt me. I thought that we were friends, but she turned on me. Do think that she treated me so poorly because of jealousy, fear, or did she feel inadequate? Do you think the other teacher influenced her? I plan to go to her room on the very last day of school...AFTER I graduate so that I won't lose my diploma, to give her an earful. Should I do this? Please help.

It is hard to know another’s heart and attribute motives. One should work with what you have; a broken relationship with a once treasured English teacher. A woman who, despite the problems, has given you much and helped you go far. How tragic for both of you.

Teachers are never friends, they may act like friends, but they are leaders, guides, and directors. It sounds like roles were mixed up. Sometimes teachers and students lose their boundaries.

In your shoes, next semester I would take a college writing course, if possible, to challenge you and hone your skills. I would also give myself some time and more distance to look back at what transpired. Use the different perspectives of everyone involved. It is a useful exercise and can help you understand things more clearly.

I would not give your former teacher an earful. I would, instead, extend an olive branch of peace and sorrow. Not now, but when you have had some time to think this through. There is nothing useful in giving someone an earful. It just meets your needs at someone else’s expense. Nevertheless, extending an "I am really sorry for my part in this mess," shows an openness of spirit and a humbleness that we all need to have in difficult situations.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been going out my best friend's brother for 2 years. My boyfriend and his sister don't always get along, and since I have been dating her brother, my friend constantly is trying to get me involved in their fights. I have listened and offered advice to both of them. My friend expects me to side with her and becomes angry and irrational when I side with her brother. She calls me selfish if I don't help her, and says if I really cared about her, I would be working harder to keep her relationship with her brother from being destroyed beyond repair.

Although I hope they both can solve the problems they have with each other, I now feel it's not my responsibility to be the mediator of their fights. I also don't want to lose an otherwise exceptional friendship with my best friend. What should I do?

I think you need to stop taking sides. This is their war, stop mediating the battles. Tell them both that you love them and are going to sit out the arguments. Tell them both that it is their responsibility to not destroy their relationship. Tell them you will not side with either one of them and that the issues around their relationship are not something you will discuss with either of them.

Then detach and smile because they are both going to try to suck you in. Remain polite and detached.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been an active teenager with youth group, missions trips and many friends. I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost my two best friends, and I started hanging around with a bad crowd last September. I still kept up my grades, had close relationships with my parents, and kept my morals intact. These kids were the only ones I thought I could be friends with at the time. On Valentine's Day, I began to realize how much I changed. I was wearing all black (because it was "cool" to rebel, eesh...), and one of the members of our little clique decided to push me against the wall with his bare bottom. I filed a sexual harassment paper and lost all my "bad" crowd friends. The rest of the year was difficult.

Now I don't have many friends. It gets pathetic when you can count them all on one hand. My mom is more concerned about letting me date since I had spent time with the "bad" crowd. And as I've read in some of your articles, it is pretty useless to date at my age.

I am quite lonely. My piano's been moved up to my room as well as my computer, and I have a job, so I at least have some stuff to do. I do have a little ray of hope. I am changing schools and will be going to a smaller private school in September. They all seem like good kids. One of my friends (of the few that are left) goes there, so I won't be starting out alone. I know I probably won't start "dating" until I start at this new school, but if I have to go to another movie alone this summer, I'm going to scream. I've tried getting more involved with my youth group, but a few weeks ago our youth pastor left, and nobody shows up now. Please tell me how to make it through this summer without dying of boredom and loneliness?

It sounds like you are on hold until this autumn when the new school starts up.

In the meantime, you want to have a group to do things with, movies, pizza etc. Right?

So, who says you need a youth pastor? Call one or two of the people from the youth group and get together to plan some activities to do with the group. Plan fun activities and service activities. Then call the rest of the group and put it together. Enough activities so that no one will miss everything because of vacations. This can be a wonderful time, but you need to put some effort into it. Tap into your parents, the pastor, and others in leadership when needed. In your shoes, I would focus on lots of different people and activities. The activities, both the fun and the volunteer service will make your summer memorable.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My sister-in-law still talks to my husband's ex-wife. She has given information to the ex-wife that my husband and I consider private. When my husband’s ex called asking for more money, my husband said no. She told him that she had heard that I was no longer working. My husband was very angry and discovered his sister divulged this information to his ex. The ex has also called his sister and complained that he is not helping to pay for household repairs. My sister-in-law was then angry with my husband for neglecting his ex-wife.

The whole situation bothers me because I would like to improve my relationship with my sister-in-law even after she tried to have my husband and his ex reconcile despite his firm objections. Because my sister-in-law continues to communicate with my husband's ex-wife, I find it difficult to be anything but cool to my sister-in-law. What should I do? Should I just smile and pretend nothing has happened? I'm hurt and confused by my sister-in-law's lack of tact.

Your sister-in-law and your husband’s ex-wife have had a long-time relationship. Your sister-in-law wanted to see reconciliation. You are the newcomer. They talk about you. You have nothing to be confused about. Your husband divorced his wife and remarried. This is the debris of divorce. It is normal for people to be hurt and angry. This is unpleasant but normal.

What you and your husband need to do is box in the relationship. The fact that you are not working is public information. What bothers you is that they are talking about you. They will always do that so you will need to get over it. People talk. You are to be warm and polite to all members of the family, but not overly familiar. Over time family members may eventually reconcile themselves to the remarriage.

If the ex is using your sister in law to get what she wants from you husband, he can eliminate the problem by telling his sister that the issue is between him and the ex, then change the subject.

Let your husband handle his family. Do not enter the power struggle.

July 1-15, 2002

Religious Differences, Drunk and Embarrassed,

Ungrateful Kin, and Dangerous Pool

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am 16. I am going to meet my girlfriend's parents soon. She is a Christian girl, and I'm a Gothic Satanist. I want to impress her parents. I need to know some basics such as how to address them and how to let them know that I'm a good kid although I don't look like it. I'm afraid that if I make a bad first impression that they will hate me, and I'm almost sure that if they don't like me it will make the relationship much harder.

I am sure that they will enjoy getting to know you just the way you are. I think as long as you are clear about your beliefs with them and explain the historical roots of your beliefs you will make a lasting impression.

I am amazed by your ability to cross such a philosophical divide and date a young woman with such diametrically different views. Dear Mrs. Web finds mixed marriages to be difficult and does not recommend them.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Last weekend, I attended my boyfriend's sister's wedding. I have met his family only once before the wedding. At the reception, I had too much to drink, and I know his parents noticed my behavior. My boyfriend had to take me home early. He said I was really pickled. Should I mention this obvious mistake to apologize for it in my thank you note to his parents? On the other hand, will that only draw attention to my inappropriate behavior?

Send a small arrangement of flowers with the card saying something to the effect: It was a beautiful wedding. The champagne was strong and it went to my head. I am embarrassed and sincerely apologize. Yours truly, Pickles.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband and I married after an extremely brief courtship and I became pregnant the first week we were married. He was the most loving, gentle man ever. Two months after we married we went to his home country for a month. He stayed an additional month before returning.

Upon his return, he has been controlling, dominating, and lost his trust in me. He has gone through all my personal letters and photos and has come up with some wild accusations. He has decided that that I must cut off contact with friends that I have had for years. He also has decided that I can no longer contact my brother, my uncle, and even wants to get rid of my dog.

What is most painful, is that he has opened some old wounds from my childhood. He wanted to know about my first sexual experiences, which were from abuse. He has turned this information against me, and blames me for what happened in my past. He has also threatened me with violence, but so far, it has only escalated to pinning me down and restraining me if I try to leave. He is a lot younger than me, has had much violence and abuse in his life, and says the only person he trusts is me.

When I try to end it, it’s too much, and we can't do it, we do love each other a lot. I am due soon and I don't want my baby to think that it is all right for men to treat women like this. I really love him and want things to work out. Please knock some sense into me!

I think the two of you need to get to high-powered marriage counseling now. You are married and both have a child. You will be connected forever, divorced or not. In some relationships, the first year of marriage brings out many difficulties as people adjust to their different expectations. It sounds like your husband is reverting to his past life and behaviors, and so are you.

See if you both can change your old patterns. Make counseling a bottom line issue – he has to attend marital counseling with you. Every session. Or no marriage.

Dear Mrs. Web,

A few weeks ago, my Mother asked my oldest brother to fix something for her. She is widow with arthritis and has difficulties opening and manipulating objects. My sister-in -law got angry and had words with Mother.

I am upset because my brother and sister-in-law seem to have forgotten that my parents gave them a place to live for 6 months rent-free. They didn't even have to help with any of the bills. They have also borrowed money from my parents never paid it back. When I lived with Mom and Dad I paid rent, and helped with bills.

My mom wants peace in the family but these two will not say they are sorry. I want to have peace in the family to but I think they should tell Mom they are sorry. Am I wrong?

My Mom is so upset that she is having chest pain and says that she will not be happy until she dies. How can I get them to see that they are in the wrong? How can I help bring peace to the family?

You cannot force rude and entitled people to see that they are wrong. The best you can do is drop it and not expect many positives from them.

Your mother needs to be evaluated by a doctor for the chest pain and for depression.

You both need to detach from such difficult behaviors and not let their poverty of spirit effect your outlooks.

Dear Mrs Web,

A few months ago, I met this incredible guy and we fell in love with each other. We used to talked a lot every day.

After 3 months, he started feeling insecure. He said he was afraid of hurting me; so he broke up with me. We continue talking together and seeing each other. He is afraid of commitment.

I want to have a serious relationship with him, and perhaps get married. Since he is so commitment-shy, I’m afraid of telling him about my feelings and plans because he may become scared and run away. At the same time I don’t want to continue with this "relationship" I know he is is fearful of losing our friendship. I think that, if we’re not going be together, we shouldn’t be friends, because I won’t be able to get over him if I keep in touch with him. Should I insist in having a deeper relationship with him, or should I forget about it?

Ask for what you want. If he cannot provide it, look elsewhere. End the relationship if he won’t give you the future commitment you want and need. Don’t compromise on the basics.

If you want a forever commitment and a beloved, don’t settle for lukewarm soup. Expect marriage. That is the only lasting commitment.

Dear Mrs. Web,

We have lived in a quiet neighborhood in the country for 6 years. We built the first home in this subdivision. The neighborhood has built up around us, and most of the people in this subdivision are around the same age (late 20s early 30s). A few years ago, all of the neighbors started having babies!

Now the neighborhood is filled with 3 year olds. Our neighbors, John and Mary, have been our friends for the past four years. They also have a three-year-old. They are financially better off than most of us here in the neighborhood and have installed a lovely in-ground pool. There was still, after 4 years, no fence around the pool, although zoning requires it.

My aunt has babysat for them on several occasions. The lack of fence has bothered my aunt for several years. She feels it is a safety hazard because any of the neighborhood children could wander into John and Mary's yard, fall in, and drown in the pool.

Recently, John and Mary were turned in to the zoning board and have now had to install the mandatory fence. On top of that, they had to pay a fine for not getting the building permit needed to install the pool. They are angry with us because they think my aunt turned them in. She denies it.

John and Mary aren't the kind of people I can talk to clearly about this situation. I have thought about going over to their house and talking to them but I have watched them spurn others when they are upset about something. They talk about everyone in the neighborhood behind their back over lesser situations.

John and Mary have turned the entire neighborhood against us. They would not bring their child to our little boy’s 3^rd birthday party. Other neighbors came but it was strained. I felt as if I was in high school again...and people were talking about me behind my back.

I am SICK over this whole situation. Am I being ridiculous? I feel horrible. What should I do now? How should I handle people talking behind my back?

I think you are stuck in a tough spot.

I am glad that someone forced John and Mary to fence in their pool. It was irresponsible of them not to and in a neighborhood of three-year-olds it could have been lethal.

Their childish whining over doing what needed to be done is tacky. I am sure many of your neighbors are thankful that the pool is fenced. Remember that someone else in the neighborhood could have made the call.

I think that you are on the unpopular end of the stick in the neighborhood right now. Feels a lot like junior high school, doesn’t it?

I think that all you can do is be clear to others in the neighborhood about your issues. "This came up, we had nothing to do with it, they are angry, isn’t it too bad... " End of story. No whining, no talking about it being unfair. Just leave it there. If John and Mary are the kind of people you say they are, someone else will be on the outs with them soon and over time your neighbors will discover the kind of backbiters they really are.

This will blow over. They aren’t talking about you as much as you think they are.

Hold your head up and be cordial to everyone.

June 16 - 22, 2002

The Wise Spouse

The wise spouse doesn’t take anything for granted. The spouse is thankful to be loved and seeks ways to make him/her self more loving.

The wise spouse doesn’t permit him/herself to be a liability but strives to be an asset to the marriage. The spouse looks for ways to make, save, and use money wisely. The spouse’s beloved knows that her/she is richer by the marriage.

The wise spouse seeks to be part of the beloved’s life. One’s interest becomes the other’s interest. The wise spouse looks for ways to help the beloved in every endeavor. When the beloved needs a helping hand, the first one should be the hand of the wise spouse.

The wise spouse knows that he/she can give or withhold peace of mind for the beloved through conversation and observations concerning circumstances or people. The wise spouse limits conversation to the positive.

A wise spouse does not fill his/her mind with pornography or romance novels. Excitement and passion is reserved for the beloved.

The wise spouse sets a joyful mood in the home. Using laughter, music, and happy times the wise spouse stirs the beloved and the children to joy. The wise spouse knows that lightheartedness and grace reduces stress.

The wise spouse gauges the beloved’s needs, fulfilling desires before he/she is even aware of them. The wise spouse meets every desire.

The wise spouse does not lie, but is gracious.

The wise spouse does not ever abuse the beloved, physically, emotionally, or sexually.

The wise spouse understands that the beloved needs to be honored and respected not based on the beloved’s performance, but instead on the beloved’s position. The wise spouse embraces with enthusiasm the beloved’s ideas and plans.

The wise spouse is not whiny, complaining, pitiful, or entitled. Instead, the wise spouse seeks to be confident, capable, graceful, and thankful.

The wise spouse does not fantasize about the "roads not taken." The wise spouse realizes that he/she is not God’s gift to the opposite sex. The wise spouse realizes that he/she is blessed by the marriage and learns to be content.

The wise spouse does not use mood-altering substances, become addicted, alcoholic or a user of illegal drugs. A wise spouse keeps his/her body fit.

The wise spouse never expects to be served, thus is never disappointed. The wise spouse is a giver, a helper; and is an example to the children of cheerful and energetic service to others.

The wise spouse doesn’t attempt to instruct the beloved through feigned questions. Questions should be sincere inquiries, not traps.

The wise spouse is eager to learn, is open to change, and ready to listen. A wise spouse does not cloud his/her mind with foolish folly of common entertainment. The wise spouse uses his/her time wisely for the beloved and the family.

The wise spouse realizes that the best gift he/she could give to the children is to love the beloved wholeheartedly.

Adapted from Debi Pearl’s

A Wise Woman Builds Her House

No Greater Joy

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