Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

My boyfriend enjoys photography, as a hobby. He wants to become proficient in it. He enjoys doing nude photography. He uses females who either want nude photographs for their boyfriends, or are building a portfolio for modeling.

He used to advertise in the local paper, or, approach women he thought were very attractive. He was intimate with some of these young women, so, part of the appeal of doing this kind of photography was the sexual thrill that he felt from being a voyeur, via a camera, and, the occasional opportunity of sex.

When we got back together, about 9 months ago, he told me that he would no longer take photographs, if it upset me. However, since then, he has changed his tune. I hoped that he would compromise with me by agreeing that I could be present during these sessions.

Recently, he said that it is important to him, and the model, that they are alone. He tells me that I am being over-emotional, and, that he will do what he wants. What is your take on it? Am I being over-emotional ? Does a nude model have to be alone with her photographer, to make her feel more relaxed?

I'll bet it's important to him that he and the model be alone!

No you are not being over-emotional. You are having a normal reaction to your boyfriend getting his sexual jollies by taking nude pictures of women he barely knows… and having sex with them whenever possible.

Interestingly, he is telling you that he will continue to do this whether you like it or not.

It is your move.

If Dear Mrs Web was in your shoes, she would ditch this creep. Life is too short to spend on an uncommitted, entitled hedonist.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been at a job for two months. Up until 3 days ago, I thought I was doing well. Then I was blindsided by a temporary supervisor who had me in the manager's office, unbeknownst to the manager, for a meeting.

During this meeting I was told I was slow at my tasks and making too many mistakes. She essentially tore me to shreds. I was mortified. I have one more month left in my probationary period and then I may lose this job. I need this job badly, Dear Mrs. Web.

According to the others I work with, I have been doing extremely well. I wrote a letter in response to this supervisor and cc'd my manager. Unfortunately, since this meeting, I have made more mistakes than ever. I am afraid to ask questions because the supervisor told me I asked too many.

What can I do to get over this and get out of it before I DO lose my job. All of my co-workers support me. It's purely psychological now: I screw up every day now because I know I'm being watched so closely.

They are not watching you as closely as you think. You should just keep working as well and hard as you can. I would want to know what the issue is for the temporary supervisor? There is a reason she is being so difficult.

I would also be proactive. I would sit down with my supervisor and her manager and ask them both how can I improve my performance. Tell them you want to learn how to be their best employee and that you may be a slow study but you are loyal and reliable. Ask them for tips and to be assigned with employees that you can copy and learn from.

Smile a lot and be pleasant. I learned a long time ago that a half-smile helps me feel better inside and calms me, especially when under the gun.

Dear Mrs. Web,

For the last 6 months I have been trying to deal with the fact that my boyfriend's ex will never go away. It is completely consuming me and destroying our relationship. She broke up with him repeatedly while they were dating because she was never able to figure out what she really wanted.

My boyfriend claims he has no feelings for her at all and would never resume a relationship with her. She, on the other hand, upon finding out that he had begun dating someone else (me), began calling him in tears and begging him to take her back. He has made it clear to her that he is in a relationship, that he wanted to be as respectful to me as possible, and that she would eventually get over him and they could have a friendship.

While she no longer makes the same types of phone calls to him, she calls consistently. She began dating someone else, but that has not stopped her from calling my boyfriend, asking about our relationship, and occasionally suggesting that they make plans. I know he would never cheat on me but the fact that this girl had enough control over him in the past that he would continue to allow her back into his life makes me very uncomfortable.

I am an insecure person as it is and this issue seems to upset me on a daily basis. I constantly wonder if she's called, what they talked about, etc. He claims that my feelings are his priority but if the phone calls upset me so much, then shouldn't he offer to stop talking to her?

First, despite all the propaganda to the contrary, romantic relationships do not transition to friendships. To have him say to this woman, that he want to still be friends a double message.

Second, he is making choices about his relationship with this woman that upset you. If he knows that you are upset about the ongoing relationship and continues the relationship anyhow, this gives you an enormous amount of information about his character.

There are boundaries here that need to be drawn. You need to draw boundaries about the kind of connections you will permit in your forever relationships and he needs to learn to say goodbye. It is time to talk.

July 25, 2002

Gift-Woes,

Equipment-Woes,

Mother-in-Law-Woes

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have a wealthy half-brother whom I've met only 3 times, and he has two daughters, whom I just met this summer. A few years ago, the younger daughter married and sent me an invitation. At the time, I was seriously ill and unable to work. I was on a tight budget and I could not shop for a thoughtful gift. I sent the girl $50 though I couldn't afford it, and included a warm letter. Since I didn’t know the girl, I did not send an explanation. In my half-brother’s family, $50 is a morning's pocket change. However, she sent me the sweetest thank you note.

Now I am in a much better physical and financial situation. I have met my two nieces, and found them to be wonderful young women. The second is getting married next month, and I don't know what to do about the gift. If I send the same as her sister I'd feel like a cheapskate. If I send her a gift, I'll feel badly because I didn't do as much for her sister.

I was thinking of sending the new bride a nice gift, and anther nice gift to her married sister, with a note explaining my previous situation. But that doesn’t seem right either. Dear Mrs. Web, do you have any ideas as to how I can salvage this? I don't want either girl to feel slighted. I've so enjoyed your column and your down-to-earth advice.

What a heartwarming letter!

In your shoes I would send the new bride the gift or cash amount you want to send her, now that you have been blessed with income and returned good health.

I would also write a letter to the first bride, telling her how much you treasure her thank you note, how much it meant to you during the uncertain and difficult times of your physical and financial strains. I would also tell her how her note helped open the gateway for your broader relationships with both sisters.

When the occasion arises: a new home, a new baby or another special celebration, I would then, send a fitting gift to this sweet and well-brought-up young woman.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My wife states she is dissatisfied with our marital relations. She says that I am less equipped than most men and that I need to find ways to compensate. She controls me and goes off to have relations with other men whom she says are more satisfying. She constantly degrades me. I really want to please her, but she just laughs. What can I do?

Sir, If your wife is controlling you and having sex with other men …you have a much bigger problem than equipment size.

The kind of disrespect and dishonor that is occurring in you marriage is bald, in-your-face adultery. I recommend that you see a counselor or a minister to discuss your marriage and see if there is anything to salvage.

You might also explore why you permit someone to treat you so poorly.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband and I married a month ago. At the reception my mother-in-law became drunk and said many crude and uncalled for remarks. She and my husband got into a screaming match. She included me in their fight and criticized my family. I was very hurt.

I am upset and my husband and I agreed not to contact her but my husband has been emailing her behind my back. She has started emailing me too and acts as if nothing happened.

I asked her to stop emailing me especially since this was at my job and quite frankly I didn't want to be bothered by her. Then she proceeded to ask what my problem was NOW. I told her in no uncertain terms to stop emailing me, but she continues.

Receiving her emails disturbs me. I really want an apology for all the trouble that she has caused me. It hasn't interfered with my marriage but it is a difficult situation for my husband.

How do I make the point that I really don't want to have anything to do with her right now. How do I deal with this situation?

This is your life and this is your mother in law. It is time for you to realize that this is the family you married. This is how they behave at times. Holding a grudge and making your point isn't going to help your marriage or your continued relationship with the family.

She isn’t going to apologize and you need to get beyond it. I do not mean that you have to agree with or put up with the poor behavior. However, you can be detached, respectful, pleasant and polite. That is what is required in difficult family relationships. It is not effective to continue your withdrawing, demanding and pouting behaviors.

There is a book on my website called How to Hug a Porcupine. It is a great resource for women with tough mother-in-laws.

July 24, 2002

Is This a Friend?

Dear Mrs. Web,

Recently, my 19 year old son who has been living with his girlfriend of 4 years came to visit. He was having relationship problems. While he was here he had sex with my daughter's friend.

Apparently, he had been drinking. She is now 4 months pregnant and does not know which of 5 boys may be the father. He said that after everyone at the apartment he was visiting went to bed, this girl came to his bed . He told her to leave him alone but she continued, and they ended up having sex.

He went back to his girlfriend the very next day, and admitted his mistake to her. They are now in counseling. Although they are too young, in my opinion, for this type of relationship, they have done pretty well together.

The girlfriend contacted my friend’s daughter and both mother and daughter came over. The mother, a good friend, was yelling at me, accusing my son of being responsible for her daughter's pregnancy. I explained to her that they were both to blame, and that her daughter had seduced my son.

With all the yelling I lost it, I told her the mother that her daughter had slept with everyone in this town, which is true. The girl told me that she has been with over 50 guys, and she was proud of it. I also told her mother that the girl does sex shows with a girlfriend for the local boys.

This girl has had me take her to a health clinic for STD tests and the day-after pill four times. I have tried to help this girl, but she just laughs. I have bought condoms for her and asked her to if she's going to have sex, to use protection, but she refuses.

The real problem is that now my friend and the daughter are furious with me and the rest of their family is upset too, because I told the truth. I had wanted to talk to her about this for a long time because her daughter is very depressed, has no self esteem, and she needs some help.

I am glad they know but I wish I hadn’t told them when I was angry. I want to know : Do you think that we can ever get over this and be friends again? We live in a very small town and everyone knows everything about each other. I really do care about this girl.

You are not going to like my answer.

I am going to talk about the whole situation. Because that will answer your question: Can we all put this behind us and just get along?

You have a friend who has had a daughter who has been sexually acting out. The girl has been bragging about her adventures and even has asked you to cover her sexual acting-out by taking her to the nearest clinic for testing and pills. You have said nothing, and even provided her with condoms. This did not begin yesterday. This young girl was much younger when these problems began. So you have been covering up and trying to be a "friend" to an out of control, acting out teenager - behind her parent's backs.

She didn’t need a friend; she needed an adult in her life who would take the actions needed to help her be physically and emotionally safe. Not your pontificating and hand wringing. Condoms! What a joke. This girl needed intervention and her family’s care. Instead, you were helping her hide her behavior from her family.

Your son had sex with this girl. Believe it or not, men can say ‘No." A man placed in your son’s situation with an aggressive female gets up and leaves. This is something that all parents must teach their sons. There are many predatory young woman.

Your son is responsible for his own behavior even if this young woman is currently sleeping with the the 6th Fleet. If the baby is his, he is the father and he will pay a lifetime for this indiscretion. Sadly but rightfully. He is responsible for his actions.

In Dear Mrs Web’s opinion, you could just held the sheets while she was servicing her 50 young men and performing sex shows for the crowds. Dear Mrs Web cannot begin to imagine the kind of woman who would let one of her friend’s daughter’s get so twisted up without telling the friend. I don’t think you were this mother’s friend at all, or a friend to the young girl. I think you were onlooker and enabler.

To put a shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if your friend knew your son was shooting up heroin and going to share needles parties? She would drive him to get fresh needle packages from the government so he would be safer from disease and she would ask him to use them. However, your son liked the thrill of a shared needle. Moreover, it got him more dope. You often saw this friend but she never told you. Your son ruined his life and is now at risk for permanent disease and death as well as emotional brokenness and she knew all about it and she never told you!

You are that kind of friend. I wouldn’t want anything to do with you. Neither would anyone in my family. What a tragedy!

July 23, 2002

Vulgarities,

and

Who is My Daddy?

Dear Mrs. Web,

I write about politics and culture. I sometimes use strong language to emphasis a point or to reach people where they’re at.

I think it is important to use current language and phrasing to connect with my readers. I have received a number of emails complaining about my language choices. It seems as if readers want my work to be read by tender 11 year olds. But I make a stronger and saltier brew. Should this be such a frustrating point for my readers?

Yes, as a matter of fact, one should become frustrated about how trashy language invades even non-trashy and wonderful ideas. It is not something for you to ignore but to face squarely.

Using foul language and current idiom may work when working on a site geared towards the common. You should pitch to your audience. What you are hearing back from your readers is that your audience is not crude and does not appreciate the street vernacular.

When addressing thoughtful people, the crude vernacular is off-putting and insulting.

Dear Mrs Web,

I am a single mom with a 4 year old son. His father never married me and he abandoned us before the baby’s birth. The man refuses to have any connections with his son.

We live overseas. I have been living with a man who was my fiancé for the past three years. When my son was 1 ½ years old, we moved to England to live with my boyfriend, who soon became my fiancé. My son thinks of this man as "Daddy."

Unfortunately, my fiancé was emotionally abusive and I have split with him because of the potential of physical abuse. So far, my son has taken this all quite well. He has only asked about his "Daddy" and the rest of my ex-boyfriend’s family a couple times, and I simply explained that his "Daddy" and I are not happy living together, so we cannot live with him anymore. But that it doesn’t mean his "Daddy" doesn’t love him anymore.

How do I explain to my young son that "Daddy" wasn’t really his father? How to I tell him that because of the circumstances, the won’t be seeing "Daddy" anymore? And how to I tell him that he has a "real Daddy" who doesn’t want anything to do with us.

As far as the biological father is concerned, I have read some books which offered the advice of telling fatherless (small) children that their Daddy was not able to take care of them and that made Daddy very sad, but Daddy knew that Mommy would take very good care of him so that made him feel much better. So now, I am both his Mommy and his Daddy. I understand that, but what about when the child asks "why?".

Also, with the double-father loss, how do I explain so that he doesn’t feel totally confused and abandoned twice over? Or hate me for taking him away from his "Daddy"? What timing should I use? Tell him the whole story at once or piece by piece? My son has already been dealing with so many adjustments since I fled the house. Any advice would be appreciated.

Your child’s biological father is his birthfather. You may be able to obtain pictures of him and introduce him to the concept of his birthfather. Tell him that he may meet his birthfather someday when he is an adult but that he is not able to be his daddy.

Your former housemate should be referred to as "Daddy John" or whatever his name was. Tack his name onto the "Daddy" part. This man was no more your son’s "Daddy" than the man walking down the street now. There was no commitment but you permitted an emotional bond. Daddy is more than an emotional bond, it is a forever commitment. Not a ring, or even a ring and a date, but a vow and a contract.

You should tell your son the truth about the man you have let him call "Daddy." That "Daddy John" was not able to care for a family and that you did not realize it and that you had to leave and go home to our real family when grandma and grandpa live. As he gets older, and over time, you will have to take more responsibility for the painful and fatherless situation in which you have placed your son. You will need to accentuate the positive and acknowledge the lack.

You obviously have permitted your emotions overrule what was best for your child. Take responsibility with honesty and integrity and never again put your son in an uncommitted relationship with anyone again.

It is a myth that you will be your son’s father and mother. You can just do the best you can. You will never replace a father and your son will have a hole in his life that I hope your family members will somewhat fill. We all have baggage, your son’s baggage will be his fatherless-ness. Be a wonderful and loving mother to him and start putting him first in your life.

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