Personal Advice Column

There is no issue here. You would be nuts to move your daughter into a chaotic, unscheduled environment, and double nuts to move your daughter into someone’s life without the benefit of marriage. So, don’t do it.

This man has a chaotic life, failing children, a nasty relationship with his ex, all swirling about him and he wants another family to move in? He has too much on his plate as is. 

You are having an excellent preview of your future with this man: chaotic. This living arrangement does not sound like a good fit for you or your daughter. It is not fair to your daughter to be placed in such chaos.

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I would be concerned too. Have you talked to your fiancé about what he expects from you when you are both married? A man who has his mother perform these mundane daily tasks often will expect his wife to step in, or even worse, continue to have his mother do them. Have you visited my Topics to Explore Before Marriage?  Find out what your future might look like now.

Courtship is a method of finding and choosing your forever life-mate. It has become popular in the conservative religious communities and is slowly spreading as teens and adults find they need a better way to develop and evaluate relationships.  

Courtship requires people to get to know each other as friends within each other’s family settings. Courtship requires both participants to rely on and work with other trusted adults to discern whether this particular person would be the best person for a future marriage and family.  Courtship helps people plan their futures together.  

There are many forms of courtship models currently available. Some require large amount of direction and intervention by a parent or other trusted adult and others have the parents involved but not directing everything.

I like courtship because it takes the sexual pressure off people. It asks you to bring potential life-mate into your home and into your life so you can assess them in the everyday, not on dates. It asks you to spend time with the person in only group settings thus keeping the sexual pressure to a minimum. Additionally, it has you talking directly to another adult or group of adults you respect and who care about you about the relationship.  So, lifetime decisions are not made in a alone and in a romantic thrall.

I hope you like this introduction. There is a lot more about it out on the Internet, check my links page.  My popular Topics to Explore Before Marriage is excerpted from the popular courtship introduction, Of Knights and Fair Maidens.

On some levels, both of you are right. Some men tend to look at the surface of the story and see a situation that doesn’t make sense and therefore earns the label: "stupid."

Some women see the pain in the story and name it "sad." Both are opinions. We each have the right to our own opinion. You don’t have to agree with an opinion, but you do have to respect it. Not the content of the opinion, but that he has it and it belongs to him.

Well, she asked you whether you would go out with her. No one can read anyone’s mind about how she really feels. However, one can take a good guess by listening to her words and watching her actions.

I get a sense you don’t want to be toyed with. So, I would be frank with her: If you want to go out with me, you go out with no one else. Tell her to make up her mind.

I am a proponent of a more courtship-based philosophy of dating. Look at my bookshelf for good books by Josh Harris and others.

I don’t know. I think you are going to need to ask him. People sometimes say things that may have been true in the moment, but are no longer true. I would hold off saying anything to him though, until I had more indication of his interest and commitment rather than four dates. I do want to assure you, just about everybody feels the way you do occasionally.

I don’t provide psychological profiles. However, I do have an opinion about it. People who flirt, generally like or need attention from the opposite sex. Flirting can also be a way a woman gains power in a given situation. Flirting can signal availability or lack of self-control. 

In some areas of the country, particularly the South, flirting can be part of the way women of certain classes relate to all men; it is understood there to be all in innocent good fun.

I will be frank with you, I consider any man or woman in a relationship that isn’t firmly engaged (ring and date) or marriage, to be somewhat available. Therefore, I would not consider flirting totally out of line.

However, I feel that a betrothed couple and of course, married couples, have a commitment that precludes opposite-sex attention-getting maneuvers. A betrothed who flirts would be a poor marriage bet, because it would show lack of control and judgment. Moreover, a flirting husband or wife with a roving eye would cause great pain to a family. However, there is no reason for people who are in "relationships" or steadily seeing each other to close down their options completely.

That said, I would find a woman who flirts with others when dating someone to be rude. The old "dance with the one what brung you" rule says it is best to pay attention to the one you are with now.

Young women love flowers and jewelry. An attractive ring and a bouquet of roses are old and respected ways of telling a young woman you want to be forever remembered in her heart.  Dear Mrs. Web still swoons when she remembers the special piece of jewelry Dear Mr. Web bestowed upon her prior to their marriage.

I think unwed and divorced parents need to separate their children completely from their dating life. Children think differently than adults and cannot understand spending time with someone then having them disappear. 

Remember how young ones react when their best friends play with others?? It is much harder for children to understand change than adults.  

I would guess you didn't enter the discussion because your boyfriend’s cousin invited him, not you. You were not invited because the cousin wanted to hang around with a guy and do guy things like burp and …well… whatever.

Going to Florida and girl-watch and party is how some 48-year old men act when divorced. I assure you it would not have been fun to go to Florida with a bitter divorcee. 

I think the important part of this whole thing is that your boyfriend chose not to go. Perhaps the two of you should plan a trip together, a honeymoon, perhaps?

You showed you cared during what must have been a difficult time for him.

You said you thought you and Louise are falling in love. But you really haven’t talked to her about it yet, have you? Let us not assume. Check it out.

When individuals become emotionally attached and detached such as this, problems happen. Dating and going out are, frankly, a way of shopping around. People get hurt. That is why I prefer courtship. You are going to need to decide what relationships are valuable to you and choose accordingly.

This is essentially a pre-nuptial agreement. My concern for you is future planning and asset building. Since a house is the one biggest asset most families accumulate, you should not be shut out of it.  I have a number of letters in my mailbox every week about  married 40 year old men who fall for younger women.  

You and your fiancé should come to a mutually beneficial agreement and your fiancé alone should deal with his parents.

When I think of matchmakers, I think of people who will search in their ethnic or religious databases for a mate within the ethnic or religious enclaves. Orthodox Jews, high caste Indians, and some Arabs use traditional matchmakers. I am not aware of any more broadly based matchmaking services. Please let me know if there are any.

In the meantime, there are dating services. For the more traditional there is a new, well-recommended service called Singles With Scruples. I think that says it all.

Cutting back a bit at work to find the right woman may be the best thing you ever do. Because you cannot have a family and such a hectic schedule, so this would be a good time to lean how to gain some balance in your life.

If he had been saving small children from a blazing building, or in a severe car accident, well, I guess I would understand – this time. However, if he was having a great time with the buddies and losing track of time, or involved with a project and didn’t even call, well, I think it is time for THE TALK.

The TALK consists of discussing how you feel when you are forgotten: "When you forget me I feel unloved…and it hurts…I need to know…I get so worried you are hurt…." 

Make it clear that this episode is a major event for you and causes all kinds of pain. Make him aware of the costs of his behaviors. Do this calmly and clearly. Then drop the subject. If he continues to be forgetful, you have to decide what you will and won’t tolerate.

You have opened your heart and your body to this man and are now carrying his child. You have trusted your innermost being to him, as well as the creation of one of the most important people in your life – your child. 

It seems that you have become irrevocably involved with someone who you really don’t know very well and you have some fears and concerns. You have a baby on the way and a lot to decide about its future, your future, and your relationship with its father.

Trust is a foundation of any relationship.  I think the best way of talking to someone about concerns and feelings in a relationship is to use "I statements." For example: I sometimes feel I cannot trust you because… or when you say that I feel… It is never rude to talk about relationship concerns when the conversation is respectful.

Yes. Absolutely.

You have seen this man at a local bar and over a year’s time you had three sexual encounters with him. No commitment, no connections – just sex. His emotional commitments are elsewhere and you feel betrayed.

My dear, you opened yourself emotionally to a bar pickup. No strings sex is just that – no commitment. Just because he is nice, doesn’t mean he has anything but sexual interest in you. Most men are nice with the women they want to use sexually; it gets them farther. What I can’t comprehend is why you are desperate over a person you were involved with in casual sexual encounters.

It seems you have mistaken sex for affection or even love. Just because someone has sex with you doesn’t mean that any affection exists.  

Sex can drive one's heart.  That is why sex is precious. Only have sex when you are in a relationship with someone who loves you, who cares for you, and who will appreciate the gift of your body and emotions.

I think you need to readjust your dating methods. First, become emotionally connected, and then have a sexual union - preferably in the bonds of marriage.

You need to stop obsessing about a man who gave you crumbs. You may want to list out what you want in a loving, committed relationship and hold out for it. There are plenty of wonderful, men out there who are looking for commitment and love. I know, they write me.

I don’t know if he really loves you. I stopped doing long-distance mind reading.  Dear Mrs Web considers commitment to marriage prime evidence of love.  Dear Mrs Web also does not consider it healthy to have a boyfriend involved in your children’s lives!

I certainly hope he is working and you re not giving him a free financial ride.

I would say kindly: " I love you. When you go to restaurants featuring undressed women, it feels disrespectful to our relationship. Our sex life, in all its aspects, is sacred to me. This creates a wedge in our lives."

You cannot forbid him, you can only tell him what is on your heart. Your boyfriend will make his own choices. If he makes a choice you do not like, you will need to take a hard look at the differences you both have in the values you hold. The you will need to decide whether you can live with them.

I think it depends upon several factors including your ages, the length and depth of your acquaintance;  what your parents and siblings say about an impending marriage;  and how well both your families are incorporating both of you into their family structures.

You need to know each other as a friend, as well as a beloved. I do not believe in long engagements, but I do believe it is important for both members of the couple to take responsibility and do their homework about each other. Marriage is a life-long commitment so it is important to have agreement about the major issues in life. Use Dear Mrs. Web’s Questions to Explore with Your Beloved to help you learn more about each other.

I believe couple should talk at length with all the people who know them well and listen to the information that they receive. The love-struck are often blind.