Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

I have been chatting with a gentleman both online and on the telephone for 2 months. We have spent hours discussing many important life issues: personal feelings, emotions, and general life topics.

We are both divorced and neither are looking for a relationship now. We do plan to meet each other but no date has been set yet. We sometimes have problems. He sometimes thinks I am falling in love with him. He has always made a point of letting me know he does not want a relationship. I have also explained that I am not looking for any type of relationship either.

I enjoy our conversations and hope to continue. He has become a very good friend. Could he be having feelings for me and is just afraid to actually let me know the true feelings he has developed? Could you please help me to decide why he is so open with me and why I am so open with him ? Do you think we are both be afraid of the feelings we are having for each other?

You are emotionally involved with a man you have never met face to face. You know nothing about him or his family except what he is willing to tell you. He keeps asking you whether you are having any feelings for him. You keep on saying no; we’re just friends. Then you spend the rest of the letter wondering whether there is a possibility of a future with this man who keeps telling you: "There is no future here."

Which makes me wonder why you are spending time and emotional energy on no future? You seem to be a fantasy world. When someone says essentially, "nobody’s home," it doesn’t matter whether the lights are on or the music is playing. They are not home to you.

You are feeling the normal feelings that happen when you open your heart to someone and become emotionally close. People do this because they want intimacy. One usually does this with people who are open to relationships. You sound lonely. I think you want a deep and rewarding relationship.

When you become emotionally involved with someone who won’t be going anywhere with you, the two of you are participating in mutual emotional masturbation.

I can’t really answer the rest of your questions because it would be like fishing in a teacup.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I wrote to you earlier about my mother and military school. I have a follow up question. It concerns the tuition money my Mom was not refunded when I withdrew from the school. We have been getting along pretty good. We do, however, disagree about the issue of the tuition money. She feels that I should pay her back for it. I disagree because she placed me there. It was her idea. She also thinks it was a wonderful opportunity for my personal growth. I thought it was a prison.

If this were something we had agreed to before I came home, then I would willingly pay up. However, it was never mentioned. Why do you think she would be so adamant about this issue? I think I am on solid ground and am in the right on this one. Part of me just wants to refuse to pay. But our relationship has been better. I hate to see money mess it up. What's your opinion?

I remember you letters. I think your mother took a big leap of faith when she brought you home. I think she wants something more from you. Show her you don’t have to be petty or argue. I would keep the peace and fork over the money. It would be the adult thing to do.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Sometimes I wish you lived in my pocket.

My boyfriend and I had a discussion where I outlined how he had disappointed me about a commitment he broke and his behavior at a party. I told him that I would not bring it up again. Since then, he apologized a couple of times, but seems to have kept his distance with me. Do you think he is upset with me?

I am afraid on your computer screen is about as close as it comes. Of course with the new hand-helds, all sorts of Dear Mrs. Web portability opens up…oh my!

I don’t know. Whenever a confrontation occurs in a relationship several things can happen. He could be ashamed or embarrassed about his behavior and needing to keep his distance. He could be angry that you called him on his behavior. He could also be evaluating the difference between both your value systems.

Some men expect their girlfriends and wives to accept a certain level of acting out behavior as normal. Every time you set a boundary in a relationship, you risk. You can improve the relationship with the boundary or you can end it.

March 6, 2001

The Heir, New Beginnings, and Married Now??

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband and I are expecting our second child. We have planned since we have been together, to have 2 children. When we told my mother-in-law the happy news she took me aside and said that if we have another girl we will need to try a few more times so that we can produce a boy to "carry on the family name." My in-laws are are not as interested in our daughter as I would have expected. Sometimes I think if we had a son, they would be more involved.

My husband is now an only child, his brother died tragically 5 years ago. I don’t really know what to say to her. We will love our child, girl or boy. I am not sure I want more than two children. How should I respond to her.

The size of your family, and the decision to start and end childbearing is a mutual decision between you and your husband. Your mother-in-law, in stating preferences, broke a boundary and ended up someplace a mother/mother-in-law has no business being.

Your in-laws may or may not have preferences. For some people, the family name is a hallowed and sacred trust to be carried forth. That is part of their values. Your job here is to be kind, polite, and non-committal. Let your husband handle his mother and give her boundaries if she starts getting invasive. Moreover, never let your daughter hear from your lips that they do not love her enough. They may come around when she gets older.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I did some stupid things at my old high school. My mom is helping me get through it. We are both seeing a counselor together too. I transferred to a different school to get a new start on my life. I am worried about beginning the new school tomorrow. I don’t want to tell them about my past. Some pupils at this school are friends of students at my old school. What should I tell them if they ask about my past?

At your new high school, you say nothing about your past. If you are confronted about your past behaviors, I would say it is a lot of gossip and it hurts when it is brought up. This is the truth. Then change the subject. Have a couple of subjects thought out ahead to use to change the conversation.

Lean on your Mom. She loves you and wants you to do well. Your counselor can help you try out new ways to act with your friends. I have a lot of faith in you.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a 26 year-old man who has been dating a 25 year-old woman for about a year. We have talked about marriage. We have not been physically intimate. I think she is the "one", but I think that dating for several more months would make our relationship stronger and give us more experiences to fall back on in our marriage.

Recently, I have realizes my girlfriend does not feel the same way. She seems hurt that I have not yet popped the question. Many of our friends are in the midst of marriage preparations. Her family has a history of brief dating and short engagements before marriage. I love my girlfriend very much, but I don't want to rush into anything. Do you have any advice to offer?

I think it time for the two of you to have some frank talks about your future. Tell her your plans and hopes. Listen to her. Start with some specific planning together.

Since you are planning to marry her, would it make sense to begin an engagement? Your needs are to go slowly, and her needs are for commitment, perhaps a year’s engagement would be a good way to settle this to the advantage of both. Her expectations are normal. A young woman who has spent a year of her life with a young man should expect a ring and a date.

This is a good time to check out my web page: To: Questions and Issues to Explore with Your Beloved Send me an invitation when you finally hammer everything out!

March 5, 2001

Early Marriage,

Difficult Granddaughter, and

The Travelin' Man

Dear Mrs. Web,

How old should someone be before marriage? My girlfriend want to wait until we are done with college, I am not sure I want to wait that long.

I have met fifty-year-olds who are too young for marriage, as well as very mature teens. I generally go against the current received opinion and do advocate younger marriages, if the young couple have a marriage-supporting family in place.

I do not support couples waiting two, four, or six years to complete advanced schooling, before marriage. I also advocate the availability of married housing on college campuses. I think it is good for a couple to work together on future goals.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My 4-½ year old granddaughter is becoming difficult to discipline. She recently picked up a trinket at a department store. She has begun talking back. She also has hit her teacher at preschool. I need help in determining an approach for her.

Some of the behaviors you describe are normal for her age. They do shoplift, on occasion, and need to be watched and guided (They are still in the if-it-is-not-nailed-down-it’s-mine phase, which some people never outgrow.). Fours do talk back, at times. It is practice for becoming five. I recommend reading Your Four-Year-Old for more information about expected behaviors at this age.

The one behavior that causes me concern is that she hit her teacher. This is something not usually seen in older preschoolers. Most of them hold teachers in awe or reverence. Is she spending too much time outside her family in daycare? She may have a lack of understanding or respect for authority. On the other hand, she may be away from her parents for too long each day. She may be feeling stress and unable to manage it.

I would approach the child in a kind, loving and firm way. If you give a child one hour of unstructured and undivided attention each day it will give her a solid base to cope with the world. Let the child set the agenda. Just be with her. See if loving attention turns her heart around.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a single 25 year old female. I am currently involved in a long distance relationship. The man I am seeing with travels extensively and has wanted me to travel with him and move in with him. I didn't because of my values about living together before marriage. Sometimes, I don't hear from him for weeks sometimes months at a time. He says that never has he cheated on me.

He told me he wants to marry me in 2 years, but he then he joined the Navy! I haven't heard from him in 2 months. His family said they have heard from him once but they don't have his address. I don't think I can deal with his disappearing acts anymore. Please help me.

It sounds like you are involved with a man who is not settling down. You have become a touchstone in his life, someone he drops in on and comes back to occasionally, but really doesn’t or isn’t able to maintain an ongoing relationship.

Your letter reminds me of the old sixties ballads about the man who disappears and comes back and cannot be tied down and the women who accept these behaviors. You know the "Someday we’ll be together but I am a Travelin’ Man…."

If you want to, you can wait around for two years, assuming you have a ring and a date. Do I think he will become more thoughtful and connected after marriage? I doubt it.

March 2, 2001

The Neighbors and The Fence, and My Boyfriend and My Child

Dear Mrs. Web,

This past summer, our neighbors told us they would like to put up a fence. We did not want it and told them to put it on their own property. Despite our objections, they put it our property line. We sold our house three months later and moved about 5 minutes away.

Today I received a telephone call from our former neighbor demanding $300.00 for our side of the fence. My lawyer says we are not legally obligated to pay. These people have been friends of ours for the three years we lived together in the neighborhood. These people are also aware that things are financially tight for us right now. Should I let our friendship end over $300.00? .

You will not be the first person whose friendship has cooled over money issues. Since you said you did not want to participate and since they continued on their merry way and are expecting a payment; I would say they don’t want your friendship as much as they want $300.

If I were in your shoes, I would just say no. I would not want to have more than a casual, nodding acquaintance with neighbors who allow their agenda to roll over my needs, requests, and wants. They have no respect for boundaries. The world is full of thoughtless people, why pay to have some around?

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been divorced for three years. My ex and I are on fine terms and both are raising our 6-year-old son together. We are both doing the best we can for him.

I have been in a caring and committed relationship for the past two years with a wonderful man. He was in an accident two months ago and has been staying with my son and me. Recently my beau and I have decided to make the living arrangement permanent. He is moving in. He is a wonderful communicator, listener and is a good friend to my son.

This man recently disappointed my son by not being able to join us at a certain family event. He did not tell my son he could not attend until the last moment, and the boy was crestfallen. I am angry because he could have avoided it if he had told us of the change in plans as soon as he was aware of them.

I do understand he has never had to consider these kinds of problems before; he does not have children. I'm just having a horribly difficult time forgiving him. If he had disappointed only me, I could let go. But watching the disappointment in my son’s eyes has made it next to impossible for me to let go. What should I do?

I understand you anger and concern about how your son was treated. Your protective motherly instincts are rearing up, as they should. They are running smack into your womanly decision to permit this man into the center of your family.

Let me define our differences so you will understand what I am saying. You say you are in a "wonderful and committed relationship" with your beloved. Dear Mrs Web defines a committed relationship only one way: marriage. Everything else ends too easily and is too painful for children (and their moms and dads!).

As wonderful as this man is, he does not have the commitment or understanding that you and your ex-husband have for your son. You are right, he doesn’t understand.

I am going to tell you what I would do in your situation. I would either marry the man or move him out. If I married him, I would realize that he would have a qualitatively different relationship than my ex or I would have with my son. There will be times he will hurt and disappoint my son, and these will be opportunities to teach and learn for our family. We all, in family situations, occasionally disappoint each other. Learning from these bumps in the road gives us strength of character. Marriage provides the framework to make this an acceptable risk.

In my opinion, no child should go through this kind of emotional workout with the man who is playing house with Mom. It is not fair to the child. Children need foundations to stand on when doing this sort of work. "Boyfriend" is not enough. A child does not gain strength of character in uncertain circumstances. Instead, they are confused.

March 1, 2001

Behind Her Parent's Backs, Bachelor's Party, and

"I Want a Baby!"

Dear Mrs Web,

My daughter’s best friend is 15. She is involved with a 20-year-old. She has been seeing him for a few months. It seems as though everyone in town knows about this except her parents. What can I say so she will understand that this is not a good thing to do?

No group of words exists to pry a 15-year-old girl from a 20-year-old man. Notify her parents of this situation immediately. She needs her parents to intervene and protect her from her poor choice. Wouldn’t you want someone to tell you if your 15 year old daughter was involved with an adult behind you back?? Pick up the phone and call now.

I don’t think it takes a village to raise a child but it does take concerned adults everywhere acting like adults to protect the children.

Dear Mrs. Web,

This past weekend, my boyfriend went to a bachelor's party. There were dancers there, of course. Drunk, he called me and asked me to pick him up. He had a couple of bills folded in his shirt pocket so I know he gave the dancers money.

I haven’t said anything about that evening, but I did not like the drinking or the dancers. Is there anything I should do or say now? He did apologize because his hangover prevented us from doing some planned activities the next day. Am I insecure or normal?

You are normal. Your boyfriend was at a party where a stripper performed. It sounds like he got seriously drunk. He even stuffed her G-string. In some circles, this is normal behavior for men. Not in mine.

You are disturbed by what occurred. This is a difference in values. Perhaps you need to look at this difference and decided whether this something you want to address. In my house if this sort of thing happened, I would have a long talk with my beloved about how I thought his behaviors affected our lives. I would hold him up to a higher moral standard.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I want a baby very much. I know this may not be the best time but a baby seems to fulfill every desire I have in life. I have experience with children. Every time I hear the word "baby," I get a warm feeling.

I wanted to have a baby with my boyfriend but he moved away. I met another guy who helps his sister raise her baby. He loves babies too. But he is a high school drop-out and doesn’t have a good job or a car. My first boyfriend is moving back and now he wants a baby. Dear Mrs. Web, I don’t know which guy to pick as father to my baby.

My dear, you want a baby to fill your needs. Babies are fun and wonderful, but they need a lot more than you can provide single-handedly. The last thing any baby needs is an unwed mother. So stop thinking of yourself and think of the baby. That is the true mark of a mature person.

Before you make a baby realize you need a committed husband, not a boyfriend. Your baby needs two parents married and committed to each other. It is unfair to the baby to use it to make you feel good. Do the hard work, and find, and marry a good, caring man who will support you while you stay home and care for your children. Do not expect any less.

So, have a baby with the man who will stand and proclaim in a marriage ceremony that you are his wife and that he commits to you and to raising your children together. Any other option is third-rate and not good enough for any baby.

February 28, 2001

A Demanding Woman,

On Public Display, and

The Cad's Girlfriend

Dear Mrs. Web,

I was introduced to friend by my cousin. On our first date I gave her a small bouquet of flowers and took her out to a nice restaurant.

Our second date was on Valentine’s Day. I bought her a flower and a small bear and again took her to a nice restaurant. At the end of the night, she said she was disappointed with the gifts that I had given her. If she was not happy that day and we are only getting acquainted, will I ever be able to please her in the future?

This gal sounds like she has an overblown sense of entitlement, self-centeredness, as well as extremely poor manners. The proper response to a gift of any size or cost is "Thank you."

Would you be able to please her in the future? I wouldn’t even bother to try.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Sometimes my husband likes me to wear revealing clothes and leave off my bra in public. I am in good shape. In the checkout line, I noticed that other women give me disapproving glances. Men stare a lot too. This happens a lot whether we go to the movies, out to eat, bowling, or wherever. This is something that I do for my husband's pleasure and enjoyment. But the rudeness of other people bothers me. What do you advise?

Dear Mrs. Web does not understand men who set their wives up to garner stares. Dear Mrs. Web hopes that all husbands have enough respect for their wives not to put them on public display to titillate. Dear Mrs. Web hopes all wives have enough self-respect and modesty not to behave like a ten-cent pornography novel for all the world to see. By the way, publicly advertising one’s physical charms often does invite public comments.

My advice? Buckle on your brassiere and put on some modest clothes. You’re being used.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband left me for another woman. We were married for 15 years and have teenage children. I am really struggling with how to deal with this woman since she is at the house when my children to visit their father. They are already making marriage plans

How do I deal with her? Especially when he brings her to our children's activities, or when he picks up or drops off the children. We live in a very small town.

How difficult and sad for you, I am sorry. I think you should behave politely and coldly when dealing with this woman. The same way you would treat any particularly smelly, unpleasant situation. You get through it as distantly and rapidly as possible by standing on the outer edges of politeness.

She is going to be in your life for a long time, when the kids visit and later at their graduations and weddings. Moreover, of course you will be meeting up with her, at times, in your small town.

Everyone knows he is a cad and she is a loser. Sounds like they deserve each other. The opinion tide is turning and people who have values and commitment are shunning people who behave like your ex and his friend.

Top of Page Page 18 Prev-Next Page