Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

My husband has been married twice before and has a grown child from each marriage. His first wife, who he divorced 26 years ago, is a best friend of his older sister. When we first got married his sister would talk about his first wife in front of me. My husband realized how hard it was for me to sit and listen to the conversation and he asked her to stop.

A few months ago the sister’s daughter had a wedding, we did not attend because the first ex wife was invited. The last time we went to his mother’s house his sister showed me the pictures. Dear Mrs Web, the ex wife was included in the family pictures!

A family baby shower is coming up and the sister called to tell my husband they would really like me to attend. The ex wife will be there. Are my feelings wrong? Should I go?

Your feelings are not wrong, but they are getting in the way of having normal family relationships. We live in a culture where some people gain and lose family members because of divorce.

Your husband’s first wife has taken on other roles in his family’s life, that of close friend of your sister-in-law, as well as mother to a family grandchild, niece/nephew. I don’t get the impression she makes life difficult for you, as many ex-wives do. I gather you are objecting to her because of she was once married to your husband and it is awkward.

You have made it a her-or-me situation. The family wants to include both of you for different reasons. She is now a family friend and mother to a family member and your are your husband’s wife. In my opinion, it is time for you to find the inner resources to behave gracefully at events when you both attend. Do I think it is an ideal circumstance? No. I think it stinks. When you marry someone, however, who has been previously married, you marry the family, children and sometimes even the ex.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have one son and two daughters. My son and oldest daughter are in regular contact with me, usually by telephone or email, on a weekly or monthly basis. We are not as close as some families who speak several times a week but the relationships are o.k. My younger daughter (30) is single and lives close to and remains much attached to my ex-husband. She excludes me and seems to have chosen sides. Her father and I have been divorced 15 years.

The break in our relationship has existed about two years. I get a check and a card on holidays and my birthday, and I never see her or speak to her. She is an educated, intelligent young woman. I wonder why she won't let us discuss her problem with me. My other children tell me just to leave her alone; otherwise, I will make it worse.

I am not a "yes" person and I am not particularly "easy" to get along with but this has always been who I am and it never bothered her before. Her behavior hurts me. I cannot comprehend a reason for this separation. I am a respectable business owner, I work hard, I am not an overweight lazy slob, a drug addict or drunkard and I cannot find a reason why she doesn't acknowledge me anymore.

If I knew I was responsible for a legitimate reason for her avoidance of me, I would honestly try to repair it. But without communication, nothing can be healed. I can’t even write her anymore, she changed her e-mail address. I would like to have my younger daughter back in my life before I die.

How sad. I am sorry. She is physically and emotionally cutting you off. Is emotional cutoff a common method of coping in your family? Your daughter is deliberately turning her back on you.

She must be very angry which is normally a response to hurt and pain. You can date when her coolness began as two years ago. Is there anything you can remember about your interactions with her that might give you a clue? You say you are a blunt-spoken woman. Did you say something, which might have caused her pain?

Whether you remember or not, if I were in your shoes I would ask to meet with her or write to her and tell her how sorry I was for any pain I had caused her. You don’t need to even know what hurt her. It doesn't matter whether it is a legitimate reason in your eyes. She is your daughter, your aim is to have a restored relationship, not count who’s right.

She may not even be able to respond to you right away. When you drops your defenses and shows your loss, pain, and concern to another, it often penetrates, sometimes immediately, often over time. I hope you are able to reach out to her in a loving, way.

Dear Mrs Web

I'm 17 years old, and I've never dated. I've never really wanted to. I have lots of really close guy friends. I'm not against dating or romantic relationships at all; I can't wait until I fall head over heels in love with "my guy," but I don't think I need that in my life right now.

I have a really close guy friend who recently moved across the country. Before he left he really started liking me, and I think he still does. I hate to try to keep my distance or anything, but I don't want him to think that I'm interested in anything romantic. He's planning on coming back this summer to visit me and a few other friends in this area, and I just don't want him to have his hopes up. But I don't want to lose our close friendship either. We still email each other all of the time, and I miss him a lot. Am I doing the right thing in keeping such close contact with him... Any advice?

Since you have not told him you are not interested in a romantic relationship, I think it appropriate to tell him. I think this is important information for him to know. A letter or a telephone call might be in order. He should be told of the limits on the relationship.

I cannot guarantee you will not lose the close friendship. This young man needs to decide how much of himself he wants to immerse in this friendship.

February 26, 2001

Should We Talk?

Competing In-Laws

Dear Mrs. Web;

I broke off with a guy over 10 years ago. I sent him a Christmas card this year. We ended up back in touch. We have twice cooked dinner at his apartment, and rented a movie. He is now calling and emailing daily. I am not sure where this is going. Is this a casual time with an old friend or will this turn into something more? Should I talk to him or will it scare him off??

I think you are right to want to protect yourself emotionally. You both should sit down and discuss your expectations. You initiated something here, and this man responded. I always think it is a good idea to try to explain what you want in a relationship, particularly with the person you hope to have the relationship! You both are in a unique situation; you have been down this path together before.

I would not worry about scaring him off. Frankly, if discussing "what are we doing and where are we going" sinks the relationship, you haven’t lost a thing. He was just marking time.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My in-laws treat my husband and me like children and find fault with every thing we do. We are actually both responsible professionals and doing well in our marriage and finances. Her older son and his wife are constantly broke and looking for handouts. They also are always trying to "one-up" and compete with us. They are snide with us at times.

The in-laws think the world of them and don’t understand our coolness towards them. How do I deal with this? I have tried to befriend my sister-in-law, but she is consistently nasty. How can I let my mother-in-law know this in a way that doesn't make it look like I'm trying to put the other woman down and make myself look good? Please help!

You have parents in laws who treat you both in a way you find condescending. You feel you and your husband are competing with your brother and sister in-law for your in laws approval. Your sister in law is fairly nasty and you don’t want to have a relationship with her. You want your mother in law to understand this and explain it to her so she will accept it. And you want me to tell you how to do this successfully.

I give advice, not miracles! Your husband should cope with keeping his parents in line. Dear Mrs Web’s rule number one for families and happy marriages is if your family is causing your spouse grief, you are to confront family members involved and arrange/request that they stop their grief-causing behaviors. If they refuse or are unable to stop their problematic behavior, you protect your spouse and family unit by stepping away from the problem family members and limiting your contact. Your spouse and immediate family come first.

Now stop competing with your brother and sister in law. Just take yourselves out of the race. Be cool and detached. There is only a competition if you choose to run the race. Whether you like it or not you do have a relationship the sibling in-laws. The best you can do in these situations is distant politeness.

You are not going to change your mother in law's perspective about your sister in law. Your job here is to maintain a cordial relationship with your mother in law. Look for the humor in the way they treat you. Believe it or not, it is there. My husband and I used to place bets on how we were going to be treated when visiting a certain family member. However, it requires the detachment that realizes that her behavior is not about you. It is about her.

February 23, 2001

Should We Continue?

She's in Our League,

My Daughter Hates Me

Dear Mrs. Web,

What advice would you have for a 25-year-old guy who graduated college and took a job, moving away from his girlfriend of a little less than a year?

We've maintained the relationship, visiting every few months, but recently things have been really tense. We fight on the telephone regularly. It seems email is the only way we can communicate calmly and effectively.

She's a couple years younger and still in school. Is it worthwhile or fair to continue a relationship, when we may never end up together, at least geographically?

If you don’t end up together geographically, you aren’t together. Relationships such as yours need a goal, a future. Or else, it is just two people who are emotionally tied up for no good reason. Does this make sense?

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been engaged to a wonderful man for the last two years. When he met me he was sexually involved with a married woman. He broke it off right away.

The first year we were together she harassed us with visits, notes, and phone calls. Only by threatening her with telling her husband about the affair did she stop. I found some revealing pictures and a diary which my fiancé kept where he praised her abilities in bed. He immediately got rid of them and apologized for keeping them.

My fiancé and I bowl once a week and so does her husband. So she comes to the lanes half dressed, drunk and flirty. My fiancé ignores her and is wonderful to me. Whenever I see her it hurts. I feel inadequate around her. Should I ask him to quit bowling. He has been in the league for almost 20 years. Or do I try to forget all the pain associated with her. Please help.

I think it is time to find a different bowling league. You are talking about infidelity, harassment, and sex, all issues of the heart. This woman is sitting in the middle of your relationship every week. No bowling league is worth the strain this has on your relationship. By the way, when are you going to stop playing house and get married??

Dear Mrs. Web,

I've been married 15 years, Two children, a son 8 years old, and a daughter 14 going on 30.

I have lost her, and she hates me. She won't look or talk to me. Why? Because I won't let her date an 18 year old. He’s a nice kid but I think he is too old for her. My wife overruled me and permitted the relationship to continue. I strongly disapproved. When he came over to meet me, I tried to be nice but ended up threatening him. He drives my daughter and her girlfriends wherever they want to go.

Last month my daughter, the boyfriend, his brother, and another juvenile female, were arrested for shoplifting. My daughter denies any direct involvement. She has been lying, skipping classes, and sneaking around. I have grounded her, suspended all telephone privileges, and cut her allowance. I'm the meanest Dad around. My wife now agrees with me and supports me in my opinion that 18 is too old. How can I legally keep him away from my daughter?

Depending what state you live in statutory rape laws and restraining orders may be legal means to separate your daughter from this young man. There is, however, something more important at stake here. It is your daughter’s unwilling heart, and the need for your wife and you to pull together when dealing with her. Your daughter sounds like she’s unraveling. This sometimes happens. It could get a lot worse.

This is the time parents need to step in with an intervention. I am going to recommend family therapy for all of you as being the best pro-active step you can take now. Before you have an angry, pregnant, runaway on you hands. Don’t wait. I am the voice of experience speaking.

Both you and your wife need to sharpen your team skills and your daughter needs a safe place to blow off her anger. Sometimes children react to a parent’s negativity with huge bomb-sized negativity of their own. A relationship with a teenager is about connection and love, tempered with firmness and increasing responsibility.

As an aside, any eighteen-year-old attempting to date a fourteen-year-old is way out of line. I don’t care how nice he is. Have you talked to his parents?

February 22, 2001

Not on Saturday,

Breaking Mom's Heart, and

He Won't Hug

Dear Mrs Web,

My wife refuses to have sex on Saturday. She won’t give me a reason, she just says no. That is one of my days off. What should I do?

Well…there are six other days in the week, sir. They are available. I suggest you make up for lost time.

Dear Mrs Web,

I just told my mother I was sexually active. I am 13. She hit the ceiling. She took me to the doctor for disease and pregnancy tests. I need help but it is hard to deal with this problem when my mother is so flipped out.

Some of the kids at school have found out about what I did and my reputation is gone. Since the guy I had sex with is the boyfriend of a really tough girl, I am being threatened all the time and I am afraid. I don’t know what to do. I tried telling an adult at school but I just got a lecture.

Your mother is upset because she is seeing her daughter make poor choices that can and will affect the rest of you life. I think it is time to sit down with her, take a deep breath and tell her how sorry you are and how badly you need her to help you. You need to pull your relationship together with your mom.

Tell her how difficult it is for you at school and that you fear for your safety. Perhaps she would be able to arrange for a transfer to another school. If you are religious, get to a church with a good youth program

There is a terrific book called Life on the Edge. It talks about the choices we make as teenagers and how they affect our entire lives. It is a great book for both Moms and teens to read, perhaps together?

Dear Mrs. Web,

Are you a real person? Or are you just a computer-generated response? Either way, I guess it will help me to write everything down.

I am dating a man who is generous with his money, time, and emotional support. He is not, however, affectionate (kissing, hugging, handholding). I have told him I like affection but he says if he is affectionate with me, he wants to have sex. Therefore, I sometimes get a peck kiss.

This bothers me a great deal, because I come from a family of enormously affectionate people. I feel the lack in our relationship. I told him recently that I needed to have him show his love. He responded by taking me to the room we are together building onto my house and said this was a big kiss from him.

He is right, his work with me does show his love but I want to hold hands, hug at the movies, and more. Dear Mrs Web, he sent me a computer card for Valentine’s Day! My daughter got roses and candy from her 16 year old boyfriend.

I also feel like I am guarding myself around him because I am always the one to reach out to him. Whenever he is the least bit affectionate I do encourage him and he does continue…but...

I am not a computer generated response machine. I am real, live human being with a husband, children, a mortgage, pets and all the other joys and worries computers just don’t face.

You have a man who doesn’t provide affection outside of the bedroom. One who is uncomfortable with any signs of public display. Some men are much more private than others are about affection. He has been forthcoming and points out that he shows his love through the things he makes and provides for you. Aside from not being affectionate, he is not romantic either.

I do not think you are being too demanding. I do think you are involved with someone who will not meet your needs for affection and romance. I think you need to make some decisions about this.

You can continue to encourage him. You could both be involved in some behavioral training, if he wants to change, to see if he can learn to be more affectionate. Have you tried a week’s getaway to a tremendously romantic destination, as a honeymoon?

February 21, 2001

Not the Marrying Kind,

A Visit From Two Year Old Twins,

and The Unavailable Wife

Dear Mrs Web,

I have been dating a man for two years. He is 54 & I am 42. Neither of us has ever married. I just have never met the right guy and he has had 3 different 6-year courtships, which were mutually ended. I am falling in love with him. Although he says, "I love you," he also says "but don’t run with it. I don’t want to hurt you."

My mother thinks he's just another guy who doesn't want to marry, but likes company, (we don't have sex). I have been very clear and have told him I plan to marry someday. He says he hopes to marry too. I don’t want to waste 6 years. Should I just tell him I am not waiting or continue on, saying nothing. Is my Mother right when she says I am wasting my time?

If a man told me not to "run with it" and that he didn’t want to hurt me, I would take it as evidence that he is not interested or able to commit to marriage. The "I love you"s are just expressing his current feelings, but have nothing to do with the future.

When confronted with prime evidence that the man involves himself in long-tem dating relationships without culminating in marriage, why would you want to continue? People tend to behave they same way they always have behaved.

I think your mother is right.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My almost two year old twin nephews are coming with their mother to visit next week for two days. They are active and I want to know how much should to accommodate their curiosity. Should I put my collections up and away or should I just teach the children not to touch.

I certainly wouldn’t start training 20-month-old twins the finer points of child etiquette by practicing with my exquisite porcelain collection.

Two year olds? Two days? Move everything breakable out of sight and reach. Snap heavy-duty elastics onto the cupboard knobs. All medications and poisons under lock and key.

Frequent trips to the local playground and a bottle of bubble bath for early tub before bedtime. Then you and your sister can sit back and catch up.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My wife devotes all her time and emotional energy to the kids and their activities. They are 14, 17, and 18 years old. She refuses to attend any of my business social functions. She has never been affectionate towards me, even when we were dating, and never initiates lovemaking. Now I rarely do either.

We have been married 25 years. I recently was diagnosed with depression. When I talk to her about how I feel, she attempts to improve, but it only lasts a few weeks. Then she reverts to her old self. I am beginning to think divorce is the only answer.

You are in a lonely place and I can understand why you are entertaining thoughts of divorce. However, there is something I find significant in your letter. You said that when you talk to your wife she attempts to improve – although it only lasts a few weeks. She tries but she isn’t successful or it is very uncomfortable for her.

People do not change deeply ingrained patterns or lose fears easily, even with the best of intentions. It takes re-training and lots of support. You have not mentioned marriage and family counseling. I think you both owe it to those children to get yourselves into marital therapy, and if needed, individual counseling. Look for a therapist who shares your worldview and respects your religious beliefs, if you have them

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