Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

My father threw me a huge wedding last autumn. We had over 300 people attend, many of them business acquaintances of my father. We received hundreds of gifts that have been cataloged in a book by the wedding consultants.

My father expects me to write a thank you note for each gift, including those from people I don’t know. My husband refuses, he says he took care of the thank-yous for the twenty or so gifts from his side. What do I do?

You write "We so enjoy the (whatever it is) you sent us. What a thoughtful gift! Thank you for your kindness. We will think of you every time we use it. Sincerely…. 300 times. If you have willing family members, you might be able to enlist their help.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. We are very close. Since we have been so serious, she has basically given up most of her friends.

Recently, she said she wanted to take a break from our relationship so she could enjoy her senior year and have fun. I told her that would be fine, and I would give her space. We agreed that we would still hang out and stay close, but we wouldn't act as if we were together. This was incredibly hard, for the both of us, and only lasted a couple of days after we broke up.

I can tell she wants to have her friends and me at the same time. She always calls me, and I always call her. I really love her. I want to know what I should do to get her back so I am her number one priority, and get things back to where they were when we were really serious.

Should I just continue doing what I am doing, and be patient, or should I refuse to act as if we are together, and hope she realizes what she is giving up. I am just afraid that this is going to last more than a month or two, and I want to do whatever it takes to get back together with her ASAP!

The problem here is that being "together" for the two of you is an either/or situation. We are either together or we have friends. There is no balance. Your girlfriend has started to feel the relationship’s exclusivity as too heavy a burden to bear despite her love for you.

You might get her back to the old ways for the short term, but it won’t work forever. Love is having someone in the center of your heart, but not necessarily in the center of your attention at all times.

One can be involved (or married!) and still have friends and interests outside the couple. Women have and need a circle of supportive women friends. Many men do too. You cannot expect her to be the focus of your attentions indefinitely and vice versa. That does not mean there is no love. It means a person functions in the world from a base of love.

Something else I see relating to this issue is that many couples have the intensity, depth, and intimacy of a married couple, without the commitment of marriage. So they feel intense emotions but have no platform to build on. Instead of having the comfort of standing on the solid ground of love and commitment and reach out into the world, they have to put all these outside strictures and checks around the relationship to guard their hearts.

February 4, 2001

Playing House, and

Lonely for Friends

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have a 40-year-old daughter who is a single mother with her own 4-year-old daughter. My daughter is contemplating moving in with her boyfriend. I am not in favor of this. I see many problems ahead. Please give me your opinion.

You daughter wants to play house with her boyfriend? Moreover, she wants to drop her little girl right into the middle of the games? I cannot imagine moving a young child into such a shaky situation. Children need solid, committed relationships; the people children should have in their lives to love should be forever people - not Mommy’s bedmate.

Over sixty percent of physically abused children are hurt by the mother’s boyfriend. An unconnected man without a life-long, commitment to a child and its mother will not put up with the child behaviors a committed father will tolerate. Your daughter is also modeling the kinds of behaviors her daughter will copy when she grows up.

My opinion? You daughter is threatening your granddaughter’s emotional well being, possibly endangering her physical safety, and damaging her outlook and expectations about how men and women should manage relationships and commitments. A forty-year-old woman should know better. There is a book called Ten Stupid Things Women Do. No one says it clearer. I recommend it.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am finding it hard to make and keep friends. It is really bothering me. I would like to have a best friend or group of friends that I can count on. I have lost touch with my high school friends. I have tried to keep in touch with my neighborhood friends and church friends by sending Christmas cards or a phone call twice a year, but they do not reciprocate. I have invited people over for tea but hear nothing back from them.

However, I thought it would be nice for our children and us if we could get together with friends every once in awhile. How do I go about making friends and establishing a circle of friends?

People tell me making friends is harder to do in many locations. Busy lives, television, and the fractured families make it harder than ever to connect. Some families have to schedule time to be together, never mind, socializing with others. Neighborhoods, which once teemed with children, and opportunities for adult friendships, are now empty because both parents work and the children are in daycare.

That said, there are plenty of people out there to be friends with, but you have to look for them. Since you are a churchgoer, shop around for a church, which puts a premium on relationships. Look for one that holds potlucks and has small group ministries.

Another option is to find an interest and immerse your family in it. I know families who are historical war re-enactors, snowmobile club participants, 4H families, homeschool groups families, private school families, and track and field families, among others. These families members have found their friends in their interest area.

Remember friendship is a combination of affection, respect and usefulness with a varying measure of commitment added. Friends come in all types and styles from as-close-as-a-sister, to the people you stand and catch up with at soccer, to the once-a-year heart to heart phone call people.

I even know families who have moved to certain communities and neighborhoods specifically because of the community and friendship opportunities available. Or they summer at certain locations for the same reasons. Join in, give a hand, become a part of a group, add fun to the group, and keep reaching out. Friends will appear.

February 1, 2001

She Left, and

Pornography in Marriage

Dear Mrs. Web,

My wife and I have had some tough times financially but I worked and went to school and have received my degrees and certificates and have started a new job. We have one child and have been married five years.

My wife recently left with our child for a man who boards at her mother’s house. He is about twenty-five years older than she is. I was served with divorce papers the day after she left. My mother in law seems to support our marriage dissolving.

My wife and child have meant everything to me. I don’t know what I did wrong. She never said any thing was wrong in our relationship. She even waited up for me every night to come home so we could talk.

What happens to me now? Do you think she’ll ever come back or do you think I’m destined to be alone now? It’s been over a month since she left and I hurt as much as I did the first day. I gave my whole self to her and our child. She and my son were my best friends. Now I am lost. Please advise.

No, I do not think you are destined to be alone. I do think you are going through one of the most painful things that can happen to a human, to be rejected by the one you love. I am sorry, I know it is hard.

I do not know why your wife left you. I do know sometimes that married women are seduced. This man may be amusing himself. Some men like to break up marriages. This may be a romance that will run its course.

If you want to try again, I would wait. In your shoes, I would do several different things. I would immediately see an attorney and tell him I don’t want a divorce but would be interested in a legal separation, to limit financial and legal liability. I would, if possible, ask for full custody of the child. The courts frown upon people "playing house" in front of the kids.

I would also see if the court would order counseling for the family. Ordered or not I would go into marriage counseling. Custody may be the negotiating point for counseling. In other words if she participates in counseling, you will not request full custody.

I think that one does not jump into divorce. Often people come to their senses and I think a year or two of legal separation helps slow decisions down and cools emotions. So take a deep breath and take your time.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband does not treat me with the affection and passion I would like to have. His lovemaking is abrupt, and quick, more of a release than anything. Yes, he does use pornography on occasion but I don’t mind. He doesn’t seem to care about my needs and me. What do I do?

I have never met a situation where pornography, over the long term, improved the marriage bed. Pornography teaches people to consider sexual release to be the primary goal for lovemaking. The primary reason for lovemaking in marriage is to bond the relationship by close emotional and physical intimacy; orgasm is the bonus extra.

You have become a depository for his physical release instead of the beloved spouse to honor and enjoy. You are not the center of his lovemaking, he is, with the help of whichever silicone goddess he chooses.

I would recommend sitting down and talking to him about what has been lost in the marriage for both of you. Perhaps it is time to remove pornography from your home and learn how to focus on each other.

January 31, 2001

Shy Guy, and Lonely Man

Dear Mrs. Web,

Whenever I'm in a situation where I talk with girls I get all hot, sweaty, blushing and embarrassed. I can’t even look them in the eye. I feel like I don't have control of the situation. I'm totally self-conscious (I go to the washroom a lot just to look in the mirror to make sure I look all right). I generally have this problem around all strangers (also when public speaking) but never as bad as when I'm trying to talk with girls.

Around my friends, I am a totally different. Is there something wrong with me? A pretty girl in my class said hello recently. I blushed and mumbled something inane. I would just like to be able to ask her out.

Your hyperawareness of yourself and other’s reactions to you, combined with a self-critic can tie anyone up in knots. Behavioral retraining methods can help one change the hyperawareness and turn off those critical tapes in your mind. Does your university have a personal counseling office? Make an appointment and ask for a referral to a behavioral oriented psychotherapist.

In the meantime, let me tell you that I am familiar with that shy, tongue-tied heart pounding feeling. Most people have it to one degree or another when placed in an unfamiliar situation. The best method I have found to deal with it is to immediately get my mind off me. I do that by having a standard repertoire of questions I ask others about themselves when I find myself tongue-tied.

I ask them where were they born, who lives in their family, where they went to school, what their hobbies are…Then I focus intently on their answers and use it as a springboard for further questions. People love to focus on themselves and they are their favorite subject. As they talk, I learn about them and my anxiety cranks down.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a man in my late sixties. I live alone now. My health is not that good. I have children from two of my three marriages. I really am not interested in becoming involved in another relationship. I watch television all day and go out for a walk in the afternoon and pick up some groceries for supper. On Friday, I have supper out. No one ever calls.

I never got very far in life, and I spend a lot of time thinking about the past, and sometimes I just go over the many mistakes I have made wishing I had done things differently. What should I do?

Sometimes it is hard to accept the past. We need to focus on the good things, and realize that we all have made choices based on our limited abilities. As a friend I admire very much says, We do the best we can." Is there a minister or doctor you can talk to about your thoughts? I would recommend it.

Sounds like you need to get out and involved in life more. There is nothing like a small, cute dog to help you focus on something else beside yourself. A dog is fun. A dog needs to be walked often and the exercise will be beneficial to your outlook. Dogs are also the best people magnets I know. Pick a small heartbreaker. I have seen this work with many lonely people.

January 30, 2001

School Choices, and

Stuck and Mad Goes Home

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband began working in the South Pacific last year and I followed with our 8-year-old daughter. He wanted to follow his "dream" of living on an exotic island, and become a better sailor. I wanted to keep the family intact.

I agreed to move for one year (ending January 2002) and then reevaluate how my daughter was doing in school. She has a very mild learning disability and started to receive services in 2nd grade. I found a school I thought would work for her. The school is not working out, but we could manage until the end of his contract.

My husband just informed me that he is extending his contract for a few months then planning a protracted sail around the greater islands and back to the States, running until our money runs out. I am thinking of joining him with our daughter but this is still under debate.

I may need to stay here on the island and have found a second school, well recommended and able to manage learning differences. It is associated with a Christian denomination, my daughter would need to attend chapel daily, and the family would need to go to services once a week. I am Jewish by birth, however I have liberal beliefs. My husband doesn't accept the beliefs of the religion and feels that to expose or "teach" the church beliefs to her would be against his values.

There are a number of issues here. I will focus on your daughter’s education. You have become, essentially, a Navy wife. If I were in your shoes and had the option of sailing with my husband for that year I would do it. Being together as a family is the most important thing.

In that case, I would investigate homeschooling. Many families homeschool as they travel. I homeschool my own children. There are wonderful consultants who work with special needs homeschoolers. They can put together a very workable curriculum, which would honor your daughter’s strengths and work with her weak areas.

If you will not be traveling but instead waiting for him in your current setting, and if homeschooling is out of the question, I would chose the better school, the religious one. I understand it goes against your husband’s values. Nevertheless, it seems to be the best choice available. I would work with him on this. He needs to realize through his choices, he has made this school the best option for her.

It sounds like your husband wants are being honored before your family’s needs. In family life, I work with the premise that each individual’s needs must be prioritized and met and then the wants are addressed.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am the 17-year-old who wrote to you about his mom leaving him in a military school. Well, things have changed. I AM OUT OF HERE!!!! YES!!! within a day or so. I found out through my brother that Mom had sent me an e-mail inviting me home for the Christmas vacation. However, I had no way of knowing because I had deleted all of her e-mails.

My brother told me that mom wanted to use it as a sort of trial period. She wanted to talk and to see how things went. I realized that I blew my best chance to get out of here. Mom reached out. She had shown some maternal concern.

I decided to take a chance. I wanted to get Mom to take me back. I promised to do a WHOLE lot better and asked if I could come home. She could set the terms. I figured that an "I love you mom" could not hurt.

I thought that even if she said yes, she would have conditions. Even if she did, it was better than this place. But she didn't do that. She seemed happy and surprised. She said she would make the plane reservations and I could come home now. I was stunned! My jaw almost hit the floor. It was that easy.

She said that she wanted us to communicate again. Did we ever! We talked for over 2 1/2 hours. We agreed about most things. Some we did not. Still, it was a good talk. She said that my behavior was getting to be more than she could take. She said that I was self-destructing and she could not stop it. She said that if I were 10 years younger, she would have paddled my bottom, but did not know how to help me now. She also admitted to needing a break.

She told me how great it was to hear from me, how much she loved me, and how great it would be to have me home. She sounded like she was crying. Although it's not a condition of me coming home, she wants our family to go into counseling. She also said she would get busy cooking all of my favorite foods.

The counseling sounds like a good idea. I need to learn to control my impulses. I realize now that I gave her a difficult time. There has been a lot of pain between us for a while. Without help, we may end up just being civil and putting up with each other until I leave for college, assuming that I can get my grades back up.

It will be great to get back to a regular school again. I realize that she's taking a gamble on me. Once I get home, she's rather stuck with me. I could go bad again, but am determined not to. I am leaving! I may have a few choice words for my former commanders before I leave. Or, I may just leave without saying anything.

In any case, I AM OUT OF HERE! You were right about bitterness eating away at people, especially in this case when reaching out was not that hard. Thanks for the advice.

You are welcome. You know sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. If I was in your shoes, I would have learned that my anger can get in my way of seeing things clearly and can hurt the ones who love me. That I will bite off my nose to spite my face.

That is good information to know about oneself. It will help you not sabotage yourself in the future. Now go treat your Momma well, now. And that brother, too.

January 29, 2001

She Pierced Again, and

Internet Footsies

Dear Mrs. Web,

I just made the most awful discovery! My 18-year-old daughter, who we are supporting while she is going to school, pierced her tongue! This past summer she pierced her navel and we had a discussion and she agreed that while living here and being supported, the house rule was NO tattoos, and NO body piercing.

We allow her freedom with just about everything else, provide transportation to and from work, school etc. I told either she gets rid of the piercing or moves out. It pains me to do this but I feel there must be some standards set.

We have supported her both financially and emotionally in everything she does and I am not a control freak about her activities or friends. I would appreciate your input about this and generally about adult children living at home but not supporting themselves.

If no-piercing was a rule of your home and she willfully broke it, I would say she has a month’s notice. People who are being supported are dependents. They follow the rules of the house. She is old enough to support herself.

There is a time when adult children need to make their own way. An inability to follow the rules of the home is a good indicator. I am not talking about shattering family bonds here. I am talking about it being time to move on and this can be done in a loving and dispassionate manner.

In my opinion, parents should provide clear rules and expectations for their adult children. In our home, we expect all adult family members to abide by the moral and religious standards of the family. We expect all adults to extend courtesy and tell people the time of their expected return when going out. Helping with general family chores as well as taking care of their own things is expected. In other words, we expect them to be family members, not boarders.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been involved in a serious, long-distance relationship with a guy for 8 months now. We are engaged. He is very attentive and does what he can to keep our relationship going.

My only concern is that when I visited him in December, I was checking his ICQ messages and I found a couple of messages from other people that concerned me.

One particular girl he had been writing to since before we met, had flirty messages written to him and he had flirted back. I noticed that in one of his messages he had written, 'I love you' and threw some kisses to her and asked her to call.

I was very upset by these messages and talked to him and his mother. His mother tried to reassure me, saying he does not have personal relationships with these Internet correspondents. He only receives phone calls from me. She remarked about how serious he is about our relationship. Her opinion is that he was bored and passing the time on the Internet.

My fiancé swears that he didn't mean anything by those messages and that it was sheer entertainment; he has never met these people before and doesn't even know what they look like. He deleted all of the information front of me. What do you think? Is this a big deal or something minor?

You caught your boyfriend playing Internet footsies. I would not make this more than it is, but I wouldn’t ignore it either. I would be very clear with him about what you expect regarding fidelity, including emotional fidelity, in a relationship. I would evaluate this situation by his future behaviors. You must be able to trust him on the Internet. I get many sad letters from women whose husbands are devoted on on-screen relationships and stimulation.

If he were my beloved, I would also question his pornography use on the Internet. People who use the Internet as an amusement can often become sucked into its pornography. I would hold off the wedding until these questions are cleared up.

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