Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

My wife and I were married 11 years in December. I am 38, she is 31. We have no children and for the last 2 years or so, we have been looking into what the reason(s) might be. After many tests and procedures (mostly on her), we are being told that in-vitro is probably going to be the only way we will be able to have a child.

She wants a baby so much...and now I find that I do not. Some of my reasons would probably be considered selfish, but I also have other, more realistic reasons. I love her very much, and have absolutely no idea of how to tell her this without breaking her heart and possibly ending our marriage.

This is not a unilateral decision. Because you have decided you don’t want children anymore, does not mean the subject is in any way now closed. You and your wife will need to work together to arrive at the decision whether or not to continue in vitro, adopt or remain childless. Beginning and ending childbearing or adoption in a marriage is a couple’s decision not the overruling choice of one spouse.

The mechanics of the "fertility treatment" world are daunting. It is normal to pull back. Moreover, it may not be appropriate for your marriage. Adoption could be a possible way to grow your family. We have found it a blessing.

This is the time to lovingly sit with your wife and voice your reservations and concerns. Tell her how these issues would be and are emotionally costing you. Ask her to listen. Then listen to her. Her emotional costs here are high too. You both need to find a way to the same page on this decision. My advice to both of you is to put your needs first, and your wants second. If you need to, use your minister, priest, rabbi, or other counselor to help you work through this problem.

Throughout my life I have met many men who are initially reluctant and uncomfortable about becoming fathers. Particularly if it is something they have to plan or work towards. They often become loving and enthusiastic Dads, thanking their wives for opening this new world for them.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a 41-year-old - recovering addict with eight years of sobriety. I have not been in a loving relationship for over 10 years - not even "casual sex."

Work, being part of my children's lives, and other reasons have always come first. Truthfully, I am scared to death of actually finding a mate.

Everyday I rush home after work, hide away until the next morning, and repeat. Initially in my sobriety, the solitude was fine. Now I am so lonely and wish to be involved with a life-mate. I am even avoiding my women friends because I am tired of making up relationships - how sad – so I would fit in. I am intelligent, attractive, and so confused. I just want to feel again.

You sound tremendously lonely. And you seem to be isolating even more. Are you going to meetings? Have you done step work?

When I hear about fantasy and lies, and retreating, I would recommend you get yourself to a meeting and get involved in a home group. Individuals go in and out of their need for intensive recovery work. It sounds like it is time for you begin it over your isolating tendencies. Meetings will also get you out of your isolation and listening and interacting with a wide variety of people. Keep in touch.

January 25, 2001

He Hits Me, and

Stuck and Mad Part 2

Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We've had some good times, and we've had some rough times; we have always persevered and kept our marriage together. We have no children.

He has, on rare occasion, hit me, usually by slapping me somewhere on my body. Some years ago we were in marriage counseling together, in part for the abuse, and I felt that it did a great deal of good. He wanted to stop going, so we did. He came from an abusive background and did have some individual counseling about it at that time.

Last week he hit me again, because my dog was barking. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, shoved me to the stairs, and slapped me repeatedly. He also wants me to get rid of the dog. I have always loved dogs. I don't feel that he should insist I give up my dog.

I need some advice; I would rather save our marriage than give it up, but I need to find some way to ensure that he never hits me again and that I can continue to enjoy having a dog. (I've already ordered a no-bark collar for the dog, which will be coming home - with my husband's agreement - after he learns not to bark in the house.). Help!

First, adults don’t hit each other, ever. It is a non-negotiable. In your shoes, I would find a marriage counselor who can see you immediately. And I would leave. I would tell my husband that the hitting crossed a line. I would insist on couple’s counseling as a condition of continuing to live together as husband and wife. Moreover, he would have to continue the counseling until both of you have resolved all issues.

Second, the dog is not the issue, lack of communication and anger are the issues. Your husband is unable to communicate his feelings about whatever the situation may be in your marriage and instead, physically lashes out. You both may need to learn how to negotiate to get your needs met.

Third, what happened to him in the past with his family can give some insight into his behavior but, in my opinion, is not as important as the choices he makes right now. He can choose to learn how to communicate more effectively, He can choose to learn how to manage his anger. He can choose not to hit you. It sounds like you both have a long history together. Two willing and loving hearts can work together to change old patterns.

Dear Mrs Web,

I am the guy who wrote to you about his mom sending him to this military school. You chewed me out. I want to go home so that I CAN finish high school and go to college. Is that wrong? In my letter to you, I expressed regret for all of things I did. I lost spot on the football and basketball teams, my girlfriend, and memories of my senior year. This school is pointless to me. Did she send me here so she could make suffer? You bet she did.

I can be successful in a regular college. There is money left to me but Mom controls it. It would not cost her anything. The college I would like to attend is 200 miles from home. It's not as far as she would like me to be away from her. Still, it's far enough that we can lead completely separate lives and avoid each other almost entirely.

My first option is to move home for 4 months, finish college, and begin college this summer. I would not have to ever see her again once I graduate from high school. Mom and I could then make a clean break of it. I get my education and a chance at a career. Everybody should be happy.

My second option is to leave here when I turn 18 in a few months. I have an uncle with a construction company on the East Coast. I have enough money to get there. He could put me to work. I could get my GED later and maybe go to college part time somewhere. I want to put my life back together after what she did to me. It's going to be tough enough without either parent. Which one of these 2 choices seems best you?

If you want an either/or answer, I think both choices have good and bad points. Going to the local college begins you on your college career immediately, but allows you to immerse yourself in your anger. Going to your uncle’s construction company may give you some distance and good physical labor to mature and work off some of your anger. However, you may get off track on your college plans.

You are right, I did chew you out. And I would do it again. Maybe your Mom made the wrong choice for you; I don’t know that. It doesn’t sound like your mother was rejecting you when she sent you so far away. It sounds like she was a woman without any idea of how to handle your behaviors and fearful for you.

Did she overreact? Maybe. All I do know is that she is doing the best she can. That’s all anybody can do. She tried. That is what people who love do – they try. Moreover, sometimes it’s not good enough, or it’s not the right thing. You ended up feeling enormously rejected and abandoned.

I understand that you lost a lot when you went to military school. It sad that you can’t graduate with your class. Instead of looking in at yourself and having your heart soften, though, you have become hard and bitter.

You are so bitter that you have emotionally cut your mother off and reject her at every turn. I have seen this behavior up close and I can honestly say that when one cuts off family members, it is a horrible burden that one carries until the end of one’s days. Bitterness poisons people and eventually seeps down to their core. It weakens them.

If your family has been through any sort of upheaval such as a death or divorce, then things have been tough all over. For all of you. However, the whole family does not have to be blown to smithereens. Giving others and yourself grace and forgiveness can go a long way towards maturing you into the kind of man you really want to be. Not an empty husk.

Enough lecture?

January 24, 2001

Grad School Bully, and Do I Love You More?

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a student working on my doctorate. All of my classes are seminars, focused on discussion of the texts we read. Every time I make a point to speak, a specific fellow student immediately responds with a negative comment about what I said, or to argue with it.

She does not do this to anyone else in the class, however, she always does questions me. When I recently gave a presentation on my work (which went very well), this student was the first to ask a question afterward. I feel this person was again trying to undercut me.

I have tried to find classes she was not taking. However, she would then switch and sign up for the class. I have also tried to be very prepared to back up what I have to say; yet she asks questions that often baffle me. How should I handle her?

There are many old jokes about doctoral students undercutting each other. She sounds like a bully. In your shoes, I would probably say something semi-humorous, in somewhat impatient way to draw attention, confront, and poke gentle fun at her. "Oh Bertha, I was expecting your usual attack," when she raises her hand. "Or I see Bertha has all her guns out today." Or " Going for scorched earth policy this time Bertha?" Dear Mrs Web would never recommend asking "Did your doctor cut back on your Lithium, Bertha?" Nevertheless, it would cross her mind.

Practice so you are able to say these all with a smile and chortle. Remember it is always easier to ask questions and tear down an argument than to form and defend one. If she is asking questions that baffle you, they probably baffle everyone. There is a certain competitive quality in some programs so fair-haired, highly visible people get plum internships. She may try to ride your back all the way there. Stake out your boundaries.

You seem to be an unhealthy focus for this woman. I would speak to my faculty advisor and ask his /her advice and opinion. I would particularly emphasize that she is shadowing your course picks. It is almost a kind of stalking. I would ask whether her behavior is common and accepted practice in this particular program. By the way, post-grad programs sometime attract people of questionable mental health.

Dear Mrs. Web,

How right or wrong was it for me to tell my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, that at times I feel as if he means more to me than I mean to him. I explained myself by pointing out some of the things he does (or doesn’t do) that make me feel less important in his life.

I also pointed out that I do a lot for him, and his dog. I just don’t want to be taken for granted. I said all this in a calm tone, no yelling - just a casual conversation.

I don’t think "wrong" is the word. "Productive" might work better. I am not sure this kind of confrontation is productive unless presented with examples of how he could show his caring. Without this information, he is working in a vacuum.

Men tend to ignore women’s needs to be cherished unless directly addressed. I would get out of the blaming place and find the ways you both show love.

I have a great book on my web site bookshelf called The Five Love Languages. The author works with this issue in detail. I recommend you read it.

January 23, 2001

Single-Date Sue, and

How to Start Again

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am totally perplexed. I am 40 years old and have plenty of dates. However, no one ever calls back for a second date. They all say how much they enjoyed the evening, my company, say they want to see me… and I never hear from them again.

I have even left voice mail for two different gentlemen and never received a return call. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I want a relationship. Please lend some insight.

This is not an uncommon complaint. Well, let us begin with the obvious issue. No man, unless he is a complete boor, is going to say any thing but positive things to a woman he is dropping off after a date. Men don’t do that. They usually don’t confront issues like this. Men are better read by their actions, in my opinion

I have not been dating you, so I don’t know why you are not progressing in your relationships. I would ask a truly honest friend for their opinion.

In addition, you could try behaving somewhat differently than you usually do, if talkative, being somewhat more quiet and vice versa. That old chestnut about men needing to be drawn out and listened to still applies in year 2001.

Dating is shopping and frankly, I think there are other and better ways to meet people and highlight your assets as well as discover more about them. Volunteer organizations, classes, and political work are good places to begin.

You obviously have what it takes to get dates, and that is more than many people can say. So dig a little bit and see if the above sheds light. You could read The Rules for additional insight.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I had a difficult marriage with a man who was, at the end, untrustworthy and cruel. It has been over three years since we divorced and I am still struggling. I attending university, work, and raise one child. It is very hard.

A man is interested in me. I have known him for years. My first priority is to my daughter and I know this man really likes my daughter but I am so scared. My daughter likes him too. He is a decent and caring person and very understanding but I keep putting him off.

Whenever I say to myself that it's okay to get involved, I get afraid and withdraw. I really don't know what to do. I shy away from physical contact and any emotional commitment.

I am terrified of getting hurt, and worse, my daughter getting hurt again. I feel that most times my emotions are on a roller coaster and they’re out of control. I really need the advice.

When you are badly hurt and trust has been killed, you need to recover. Time, sometimes counseling, and approaching new relationships in small steps all help.

Many universities have counseling centers where people could help you forge a place of trust in your heart again. Your new beloved may be the right person for you to trust again.

My only caveat is that sometimes we pick the same situation or same kind of man. Other times we choose someone so opposite just as a reaction. Both kinds of reflexive choices are not good, thoughtful, loving, choices.

Take you time with this new man. Spend time with him. Use my Questions for Couples to get to know him better. Take time to learn whether he is the sort of man who will protect, honor, and love you forever.

January 22, 2001

Time to End, How to Voice Concern, and Stuck and Mad

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am living with a man who has been divorced for 5 years. There are no children. They were briefly married after a long time together in college. My boyfriend considers his ex-wife one of his best friends and had been active in her life. Her picture still hangs in his study. He said that he had loved her very much and she left him.

When I moved in, I asked him to severe ties with her. He assured me he loves me but I still felt that her presence in his life would make it difficult to establish the intimacy I wanted. He agreed somewhat resentfully, and said he didn't feel it was necessary.

Did I do the wrong thing by asking him to end their friendship? I have told him that once we have a steady foundation maybe their friendship can resume. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

I feel the thoroughly modern notion of being a friend of one’s former spouse or beloved denies all the pain and difficulties of the relationship and does not close the door. The "I love you as a friend" phrase, best remembered from one’s sophomore year when breaking up with one’s "first love." is a prime example of this thinking.

I think if you are considering a relationship with this man, it is time he put the past away and said goodbye. In the terms of another modern notion, it is time he "moved on."

No, I do not think you have made a mistake by insisting he terminate the relationship. Let’s all be real grownups and realize things do end.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My neighbor has a three-year-old boy who seems to be having problems with his behavior. He is a terror when he visits, inappropriate, and flailing. He is just so different from any other children in my experience. Children avoid him. This is their first child. I am a mother of three. I think there is something wrong with the boy. How do I approach this with her?

I would stress your experience and ask her if he has had any sort of neurological evaluation. I would say in my kindest voice that if he were mine, I would request a referral from his medical practitioner...it could be nothing but it would not hurt. Then drop it. It is now in her ballpark. If she reacts negatively, remember she is probably overloaded. Give her grace.

Dear Mrs. Web:

I am a 17 year old high school senior with a horrible life. Last spring I had some discipline problems at school and at home. I gave my mom a real hard time about things. I skipped school, went to keg parties, stayed out real late, had fights, and along with my friends, caused some property damage. I am guilty as charged. I would do many things differently now. I was too wild and am sorry about that.

Mom sent me to this private military-style school halfway across the country. I don’t fit in and I hate it here. I have no interest in a military career and their routine is meaningless to me. I asked her to get me out of here. I promised to do better. She refused. She said that I needed the kind of structure that this place would give me. She said I would be here for a semester and she would then reevaluate.

I lost my temper, told her to leave and that under these conditions; I had no further need for a mother. Our relationship was over. I always accept my brother's calls as long as I don’t have to talk to her. She has tried to call and sends letters and packages, which I throw away without opening. I have had no contact with her since August. I was even stuck here for the holidays.

I am on academic probation here and will probably not graduate. I refuse to participate in any extracurricular activities. Now we are into the second semester and she still hasn’t sprung me. That's the only way we could have patched things up and I could have forgiven her. for this. I want to get out of here. What do you think? Any ideas?

Wow! Let me see if I understand you correctly. Your mother has a difficult time handling your dangerous, acting out behaviors. Instead of letting you blow yourself up, as many parents do, she takes the best proactive stand she can come up with to help you find structure and keep you safe. She puts you in an environment with rules and regulations and high expectations. You bottom out academically and in sports to prove your point and whine incessantly.

Instead of showing your mother you can live within structure and succeed, you screw up. Not only do you screw up, but you place all your anger, hate and irresponsible thinking on someone who is doing her best by you.

This kind of irresponsible thinking and actions will land you nowhere. It is time to grow up and discover the world does not revolve around you and your wants and desires. I think you need to get into line.

January 19, 2001

Dishonest and Vindictive? and Him? Or Him?

Dear Mrs. Web,

I cannot believe your response to the woman who’s husband left her and their child. You said she should sue and go after him financially to punish him for his poor behavior. His wife signed a prenuptial agreement and you said she should try to break the contracts. This is terrible. Sometimes people make mistakes in their marriage. You don’t know his side of the story. This is sleazy and dishonest. I can’t believe you would be so dishonest and vindictive.

You are right, I don’t know both sides of the story. Her husband didn’t write me, she did. This was her story. Moreover, it is a sad one of irresponsibility and dishonesty.

Not every contract is morally worth keeping. A man who keeps the house and spirits away the savings in order to avoid his responsibilities is the dishonest character here.

It is not vindictive for any parent to protect their child’s interest. Fighting for the family assets to better raise a child, especially one who may be a heavier financial burden is not sleazy. It is necessary.

I think parents who willfully abandon their children for their own interests, should be horsewhipped. Lawyer attacks are the twenty-first century equivalent. Sic 'em Counsel!

Dear Mrs. Web:

I would like your input (although I'm sure I will not like the response). I am having a difficult time. I have been divorced twice and am now engaged to a wonderful man. He is just like me in many ways and he offers me a wonderful and comfortable life.

I recently met and fell absolutely in love with a man I met who lives quite a distance away. He makes my heart, and all the other important parts, zing. He leads an equally comfortable, but very different life.

I don’t know him very well, just seven days on a vacation. If I were to leave my fiancé to explore a life with this new man, I would lose my fiancé and perhaps my 'love' wouldn’t work. Momma said last night, if I just listen to my heart I will come to the right choice. I am confused.

I think the zinging has scrambled your thoughts. You are having trouble making a choice. It sounds like you have not decided the kind of life you want, or the kind of man you want to share it with. You seem to be running on emotions instead of head and heart knowledge. Listening to our hearts is important, but we must also use our brains.

You also seem to subscribe to the prevalent notion that being "in love" is important to long- term relationships. This is, of course, false.

"In love" is an emotional state of being. On the other hand, loving someone is a decision you make, sometimes hourly when the going gets tough, to commit yourself forever to your beloved. Moreover, when you make that decision, other possibilities close.

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