Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

I am 14 years old, and I have a problem. I am pretty, and popular, but am very shy. I have plenty of guy friends, but no boyfriends. My first high school prom is coming up son and I don’t want to go alone. How can I get a date to the prom?

There is a prom for freshman and sophomores? It is not something available in my area and I am surprised that a school would permit it. Definitely not the kind of pressure young teens should be facing.

If you want to go to the prom, ask one of your guy friends whether he would go with you? If you have good guy friends, I am sure that one of them would be delighted. It would take the pressure off both of you to try to link romantically with someone but keep you involved with your friends’ activities.

Dear Mrs. Web

I am a single 35-year-old man who works at a family business and lives in the suburbs. Most of my friends have gotten married and are settling down with their families. I am closing this month on a new house in my neighborhood. This is the second time I have bought a house in the suburbs here. The first one I bought and sold because I decided to live in the city. I never did move there though, and now with my family’s encouragement, I find myself again buying a house here.

The city is a long commute from here. I would love to rent a loft there, perhaps have a roommate, and live near the restaurants and entertainment the city offers. I have said I was going to do it for years, but never have made the leap. Frankly, where I live feels like home and I am reluctant to change. I just feel like I should leave my home area for a while and experience the broader world. I am confused and in a panic because I am supposed to close this month.

It sounds like you really want to move into the city for a while. It also sounds like you are tied to your work in the suburbs. Sometimes one needs a change. I think it would do you good to move to the city for a while. The suburbs will always be there, waiting for you.

Perhaps it is time to plan your life a bit more instead of just letting it happen. Sit down and list where and how you want your life to look in 5, 10, and 20 years. Then list what you need to do to achieve these goals. This will give you a framework and purpose for your decisions.

By the way, if you can afford it, you can close on this house, rent it out to cover its expenses, and rent the loft you want. Talk to your realtor.

January 17, 2001

She's Offended, Thank You Notes, and A Bounder and a Cad

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a new member of a small, local organization. We have an email group. Occasionally a member will post information that has nothing directly to do with the organization, usually political in nature. These political emails and petitions offend me. They in no way reflect my beliefs and politics. What should I do?

I would say how you feel about this is your responsibility. Feeling offended by other's beliefs is in my opinion, childish. Good people disagree about politics (and religion). You own your feelings and responses. In your shoes, I would hit the delete key and forget about it.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My mother-in-law told me today that she did not receive thank you notes from our children for Christmas gifts. The children called her specifically to thank her for the gifts. All of them talked to her and thanked her. She seems to be expecting a card from each of them. The kids are reluctant to write her, they keep saying, they already thanked her. What do I do?

Purchase attractive note cards for each of them, sit them down, and teach them to write a thank-you. There is no substitute for a written note.

This is a skill they need to learn. It shows they took the time to be thoughtful, and is a hallmark of good manners. Each year I include a pack of note cards under the tree for each child.

Dear Mrs. Web:

I have been separated from my husband for over two years. I have been married for fourteen years. We have one child born seriously disabled

From the moment the baby was born, husband stopped being a husband or father in our family. He blamed me for the child's disabilities. I continued in the marriage hoping he would change. I even tried marriage counseling but my husband refused to join me.

I essentially have raised our son single-handedly in our home. My husband had no participation in our lives. I finally left him. I signed a prenuptial agreement stating that the house was his. At that time, I believed we would be married together until we died.

After our child was born, My husband became angry and materialistic. He began hiding money. He saved his money and I supported the family. He stocked his retirement fund for fourteen years. When the marriage ended, he emptied out the bank accounts and took all the paperwork. I have no idea how much money we have in savings. We have no place to live and no money. I am exhausted and hurt by him.

My dear, you have been not just hurt, but severely burned by your relationship with your husband. He is a bounder and a cad.

You husband broke the solemn promise of marriage to care for you and his child, to be your protectors and to love you both with all the depth of his soul. He was not a man, a husband, or a father. Things didn't go the way he wanted or expected and he behaved like a selfish child.

Have you talked to a lawyer about your prenuptial agreement? As all good lawyers will tell you, contracts are made to be broken. Ask around for a lawyer known for winning large divorce judgments in your area. Work out a percentage of monies recovered.

In some states, you should be able to obtain the retirement funds as part of the settlement for yourself and your daughter. A good lawyer can trace the funds. Your husband deserves a whipping. A financial whipping can be extremely painful to a miser.

January 16, 2001

Her Marriage is Changing Our Friendship, and

He's Too Old for Me

Dear Mrs. Web,

My closest friend for twelve years is getting married. During her first marriage, our friendship was stronger than ever. With her coming marriage however, I get the feeling our friendship is on the skids.

Soon I will be the guy that visits every other Thanksgiving. Her children will vaguely remember me. It seems like she has found the perfect man and doesn’t need me anymore. We used to have so many inside jokes, now I listen to her tell me about their inside jokes. When other close friends got married, I didn't lose a close friend; I gained more good friends. But this one feels different.

It is hard when relationships change. As intimacy increases a couple binds closer together, leaving others behind. In the best of worlds, they make each other the best friend. Others become a bit more peripheral. This is not unusual.

However, it is a big leap from the center of everything to a turkey dinner every other year. Make sure you are not contributing to the situation. Every relationship is slightly different. The reality is that her husband-to be may be threatened by your emotional intimacy with her.

Sometimes friendships change. Friendships are not as durable as family ties. We don’t shed mothers or brothers, we do shed friends. For friends are bound by affection, respect and admiration, and common interests and usefulness. These can be fragile ties. When these reasons unravel, the friendship changes, or even ends.

We live in a culture that tells us friendship can substitute for family relationships. This is false. Friendship is more tenuous. It is based on your behaviors, the circumstances, and the needs of the friend, as well as yours.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am 15 years old and I really like a guy who is 20. I know that is old, but he is different from other guys. He’s religious, kind, compassionate, and considerate. I think he likes me too, but I'm only 15. What should I do?

Ah, the older man! I remember being 15 and having a crush on an older man. That's what we called it back then, a crush.

Twenty is way too old for fifteen. However, twenty-five isn’t too old for twenty, in my opinion.

Do you have a mother or father that you can talk to about this attraction? If not perhaps a woman from your church could partner with you. She would give you the accountability and guidance you need to maintain your grace and integrity, as well as understand your emotions about this young man.

A mature twenty year old man with his head screwed on straight and his heart in the right place will back away immediately from a relationship with a fifteen year old girl. He would put her best interest first, which would be to allow her to mature without the heavy burdens a relationship with him.

This relationship would be inappropriate and in some states could lead to time in prison for him. You should back away too.

January 15, 2001

Ouch! He Won't Share, and

He Has Been Hurt

Dear Mrs. Web,

What do you think of nose piercing?

Ouch!

Seriously, it is not my taste. But, you knew that.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My cousin is a chef. He brought a delicious appetizer to our New Year party. I asked him for the recipe. He didn’t respond. I just called him and he said he wouldn’t give me the recipe. What is wrong with him?

I would say it is one of his own developed specialties. A lot of time and work probably went into getting it right. This is your cousin’s livelihood. Be grateful he brought the appetizer. There is no requirement that people share their recipes.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been involved with a man who has been divorced three years after 11 years of marriage. His ex-wife left him for another woman. We had interwoven our lives, friends, and family, including our children. We had become intimate. I don't want to marry him and he doesn't want to get married although we both said we would live with someone.

Six months into the relationship he said he needed space. He wanted to see other friends and "get himself together, but wanted to remain my friend." I pulled back. I said I understood although I was crushed.

This autumn he called and we had a few dates. He said he was not interested in a relationship at this time because he was buying a boat, but when he was ready, he wanted to have one with me. I have been trying to be sensitive to his needs. I think he was hurt and is afraid of these feelings. I don’t know what to do.

You have a man who has been unable to be close to you without pulling back from the relationship. In the meantime, you stand with arms open letting him come and go in your life, not asking for much, taking the crumbs and hoping for love and some undefined future… He wants love and is afraid of any commitment. You want love with no commitment. In my opinion, neither one of you is a safe bet.

Relationships require many things but the foundation is commitment. You don’t deposit your money in a bank that won’t guarantee it will be there next week, month, or year. You don’t place your hearts in the care of someone who can’t promise he/she will be there in the future.

I understand he has been hurt. We have all been hurt. There comes a time we stop nursing our wounds and risk everything again. I think you both need to make a decision.

January 12, 2001

Kisses, The Prom, and How to Rebuild Trust in Marriage

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been engaged for about 6 months to a woman I have known for two years. At the beginning of our dating relationship she went out with a guy and French kissed him at the end of the date after trying to resist him earlier.

She said that she did it to get rid of him and so he would stop trying. She has lied about this incident for the whole time that I've known her. The only reason I know today is because I made her "promise to God" that the guy didn't kiss her. She lied at first but later broke down with the truth. I have known for a month now and her lying bothers, me even though she has begged for forgiveness and swears she will change. What do you think of the situation?

I think she was not able to be truthful with you because she was afraid of your extreme reaction, and she was right. It is inappropriate and out of bounds.

Stop clubbing her with God and stop bullying her. People sometimes do things they would not normally do because they feel stuck in a no-win situation: Like kissing an insistent boor, or lying to a bully.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My daughter has been seeing this young man. She is 15 and he is 18. He has just asked her to his senior prom. I am told there will be an after prom party and it is the tradition in this town not to expect the attendees back until noon the next day. Evidently adults rent hotel rooms and they serve as hospitality suites for the students.

The adults who have spoken to me about it all wink and nudge or shrug their shoulders. It seems to be accepted here as the way to "do the Prom." The more I hear about it the less I like it. What do you think?

My daughter wouldn't be at that prom night. I wouldn’t permit my children to attend a series of events where the expected behavior goes against my beliefs, or better judgment. I would say no, give my reasons, and negotiate a safer alternative.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a 27 year old married guy who made the worst mistake of his life. I allowed myself to be seduced into a brief liaison with my old girlfriend.

I know how terrible this was. I know that I shattered my wife's trust. To make it worse, I knew that this woman was bad news for me. I don't know how I let her get to me. I am not a chronic chaser.

There was just this one time. When my wife found out, (I told her), she reacted as any woman would have. She talked of a divorce but backed off that. She agreed to take me back. She has forgiven me - sort of.

While we are together physically, my wife seems very emotionally restrained. She even undresses in a different room.

I know I did wrong. I want to try to repair the damage I've caused. We’re together but were not together. What can I do to mend fences?

You broke her trust. Her behaviors betray her emotions. A woman loves from the center of her being. When she is betrayed or hurt she goes into physical shutdown.

She has agreed to live with you but not to open her heart to you. You are right; forgiveness has only half-happened here. Now it is time for the emotional healing.

You may need a third party to help you, such as a marriage counselor. On the other hand, you may be able to work it out together. When a marriage trust is breached, you have more to do than confessing and asking for forgiveness. You have to rebuild the trust. It is a bit like the trust building that occurs when you first fall in love with someone. It consists of keeping her first in you thoughts and showing it. Long talks, dates, and more talk.

Do things you both enjoy together. Put other issues on hold, make her, and repairing your marriage the number one priority in your life. Look at my Ideas for Couples and Topics to Discuss with your beloved for ideas on how to spend time and reopen emotional intimacy. Keep in touch.

January 11, 2001

Lying Daughter, and

Sneaking Around

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have an 18-year-old daughter who has been caught in several lies by me and her friends. She lies about many different things and sometimes without any apparent reason.

Her lies seem to be more frequent. She lies...for money, to save feelings, for lots of reasons. What should we do?

Lying can become a nasty habit. Sometimes people lie for no reason at all. It is a character defect. She is the only person who can fix it.

In my Archives on September 12. I have a letter from a habitual liar. Perhaps you might want to print it out and give it to her.

If she were mine I would sit down with her and tell her your concerns about this behavior. It may take a few difficult and embarrassing situations for her to discover she needs to change her habits.

In the meantime don’t ignore or minimize her lies when you are confronted with them.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am in love with a man who my mother hates. I have been intermittently involved with him for 5 years. We broke up about 5 months ago and I moved back in with my mother.

We have started reconnecting as a couple (by the way I am the mother to his four year old son and one year old daughter) My mother vehemently objects to him so I have to sneak around to see him.

I really would like to be back with him. We have been talking about getting married. I don’t know what to do. My mom won’t help me with anything if she finds out that I am returning to him. She is also my daycare provider. I just don't think it is right that she is making it so hard for me.

I think it about time you took full responsibility for your own life. In addition, I think you and your boyfriend should take full responsibility for the two little children you have made. I am sure part of his paycheck would cover the daycare costs.

I have no idea why your mother is so dead set against your boyfriend. However, sneaking around is dishonest and juvenile behavior.

Your mother is not making it hard for you. She is telling you the rules of her house. By breaking these rules you are using her.

You have an adult choice here. If you really want to be with your fiancé and he wants to be with you, and you both want to support your children and be responsible for them, then grow up, get married and be responsible. If you don’t want to do this, and want to continue to live with your mom, and receive those benefits, then follow her rules. The world is made this way. It's called choices.

Now make me proud and make a decision that is the best and safest for your children and you. Notice I put the children first. You should too.

January 10, 2001

No Gifts,

and

He Won't Play

Dear Mrs. Web,

My new in-laws are very nice people. However, they are cheap. We have not received a wedding gift from one family member. I have talked about this with my husband. I want him to confront his family about it but we just end up arguing. Do you think he should talk to his family?

Dear Mrs. Web, they didn’t even buy us a card! I feel as if they are not acknowledging or accepting our marriage. Help!

You said they are cheap. Therefore, it is not that they don’t accept you or your marriage. They don’t like to spend money. This is a characteristic of the family you married. You need to get over this and realize it is not about you.

Of course, he should not say anything to his family. Pointing out other people’s deficits in manners is very impolite. It also puts your husband in the odd situation of whining for gifts. Gifts, by the way, although a custom, are not ever to be expected or demanded. They are…well…gifts.

People have different ways of expressing love and happiness to others. Moreover, people receive love and happiness in different ways, too. The Five Love Languages can help you realize the different ways people (including cheap people) express their love.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Here is my story. I met a gentleman on-line a couple of months ago. We found out we lived near each other and after chatting for a few weeks we met.

We got on well and we continued to chat via the Internet and talk on the telephone. He has been to my house for a visit and continues to suggest coming over. The problem is that I always have to take the initiative. He never contacts me.

He says he will call or come over, but he never does. When asked he says he was busy working. I have come right out and asked him if he would rather not talk/email and he has told me to relax and continues to suggest getting together.

So...what do I do now? I really like this man but I am beginning to feel like I am chasing him. Any suggestions?

Dear Mrs Web believes that relationships are a bit like tennis. When one lobs the ball over the net one expects it to be returned. If one lobs all the balls without any returns; well, one is running around the court, but it ain’t tennis. Even if there is someone standing on the other side of the net saying it is tennis.

The best way to find out if your are in a relationship or not is to lob it into his court, tell him you expect him to lob it back, and stop. If nothing comes back, there wasn’t anything there.

In relationships, it is important to watch what people do as well as listen to what they say. If there is a divergence between what they do and what they say, I always bet the truth rests in what they do. Talk is cheap.

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