Daily Columns Archives

Since you assumed something and no one yet has been able to read your mind, I’d say you are on your own. Wedding gifts are not required, but it is the custom to bring one. Your beloved has made her expectations clear. Guy, is this the hill you want to die on? Buy the gift.

We don’t hit our spouses, ever. I don’t care what the reason. It is out of control behavior. My guess is that you have anger management issues and communication problems. I am sure your wife has her host of problems too. Neither one of you have to behave like preschoolers. You both have mouths need to learn how to communicate and work together as a married couple.

Can you get her back? I don’t know. Many men I know who have seriously messed up their marriages have had have had success following the advice of the book If He Only Knew. Find it on my Bookshelf in the Marriage section. I recommend you buy and read it immediately.

Since you are in school, go down to the counseling office and get yourself first, and then your wife, into counseling. Anger management, communication issues, and marriage counseling are all in order.

Saying you are sorry and presenting your wife with a plan and commitment to change will begin the healing of this broken relationship. There is no sense trying to worm her back without commitment and action to change. Physical and emotional abuse hurts you, your wife, and your children. Think about how terrible it is for your little ones with both their parents out of control. It is time to act like grown-ups.

Just because Snickers has a sentimental value doesn't mean you can’t find it a nice home with someone who would appreciate his finer qualities. I am sure there is someone who will enjoy Snickers. Perhaps a shut-in who could spend time with him.  And no, Dear Mrs. Web does not want a parrot.

The "I love you as a friend" is an old adolescent romance game. Grownups make choices, commit to relationships, and marry. They open their bodies and emotions to ultimate intimacy with the one they love.

There is something very disturbing about the fact she violates the intimacy and privacy of her relationship with the man she is purportedly in love to give you an inside view. I find this lack of boundaries unusual and inappropriate.

The only way to change this sad situation is for you to take matters in hand and realize this is an either/or situation. In your shoes, I would sit her down and tell her what you want from her. It sounds like you want commitment, and forever. If she begins her, "you are my friend speech", tell her you will be her lover, fiancé, husband, and forever person, but you will bow out of being her "friend." She will either come running or disappear. If she does not commit, you will not have ultimately lost anything, for there wasn’t much there. You were being used.

Our family eliminated broadcast and cable twelve years ago – best thing we ever did. We have our lives back. We have a video night once a week, two videos, one short, and one full feature. 

I also add in educational tapes on occasion, you know: Identifying Schooners of the Maine Coast, Our Friend, Bacteria, or my personal favorite, The Fascinating World of Milk Processing.

Parents should present a united front. Have options available. They are not going to entertain themselves immediately. Bring out all the games you never play, or things  family members have wanted to build or make. Read aloud or borrow book tapes from the library. Stack up on craft supplies, and good music the family can enjoy such as musicals. Music lessons work well here. Eliminating television means everyone goes to bed earlier and can add more time to the other end of their day.

Your girlfriend is busy bonding with the baby. There is no bigger gift you can give to your child at this time, than a secure relationship with its mother. You will be more in the picture in a few months, but this is "momma time." Your role is to support your girlfriend, both financially and emotionally. Back rubs, bath salts, taking over for an evening so she can have a break…you name it. Bringing home takeout (Dear Mrs Web and her family live on the menu of the local takeout pizza shop when we bring a new baby home), getting someone in to help her clean up all are things you can to help right now. Recognizing and admiring the big job she is doing is important too.

You are probably wondering when your romantic life will resume. Most likely when the baby is sleeping more, and the issues addressed above are resolved. Being particularly wonderful during this time helps. The more help she has the faster she will recover her desire. In the meantime, be cuddly, reassuring, and loving without pressure.

I know you didn’t ask, but I am going to say it anyway, because I am Dear Mrs. Web. The most precious gift you can give your child is to be fully and forever committed to his or her mother. Marry her. Life and family are series of wonderful times, interspersed with trying times and difficulties. A firm commitment helps keep the unit intact. Sometimes you both will not like each other very much. All you will have to hang onto is the promise, and it is enough.

There is a saying, least said, soonest mind-set. In this case, I think it applies. I wouldn’t say a thing to them. There is only one thing worse than bad manners, and that is correcting someone’s bad manners.

In your shoes, I would not put these neighbors on the mandatory guest list. I would leave them off the lists for most parties but invite them to an occasional "everybody over" celebration. In my book, it is worth a couple of extra burgers on the grill to keep relationships cordial, if not warm, between neighbors.

Many people, sadly enough, are not aware of the duty to reciprocate invitations. Or they feel their lives are too busy. I would chalk it up to clueless-ness or poor upbringing.

That said, I would add that some people are "users." The best way to handle a "user" is to realize what they are doing and to not take it personally. That wastes your emotional energy. After a while, their behavior will seem funny. Trust me.

I am afraid I do disagree with a number of points you raise. I am not making decisions for this couple. This is an advice column where people ask for and receive my opinion on a variety of subjects. I provide a different perspective, in this case, than what is commonly received wisdom. Whether they follow my opinion is, quite frankly, up to them. 

My opinion on this subject is that a baby is worth two people changing the direction of their lives. I assure you I do realize that people have sex without the benefit of marriage.  I have mopped up the problems from many of those situations.  I understand, and at one time subscribed to your viewpoint. Now, frankly, I find it a tiresome 70’s throwback, which has been the conventional wisdom of the early 90’s. I do not choose to support it any more.

People are usually flexible and able to meet the changing circumstances of their lives. It is a sign of mental health, in my opinion. Marriage is not a fragile entity, but instead is an elastic and durable state, able to help a couple meet life's challenges as well as joys.  The circumstances may not be your ideal, but it is certainly may be their choice. True tolerance is an ability to accept diversity in opinions, values, and choices, not just that which is spoon-fed to television viewers.

Love does not fix personality problems. Love is a two-way commitment between a man a woman. You are trying to use it as a bandage on her personality which belongs to her and you cannot fix. Now, if you want to live a miserable life with a difficult, selfish woman, well, I can’t talk you out of it. I recommend, however, you marry for happiness, kindness, joy, peace, and reciprocated love.

I think you need to sit down with her and work out a financial plan, either through payroll deductions or monthly bank drafts from her account to cover costs. If your daughter does not cooperate or ignores her commitments, you both will have a decision to make. Will you be footing the bill for your grandchild? Or will you toss the responsibility back into your daughter’s lap?

If your daughter becomes angry with you for holding her accountable, you may end up losing access to your grandchild. You will have to evaluate the relationship; I cannot do it from here. It sounds like your daughter has other priorities besides her child or parents. How sad.

My gut reaction is to get rid of the business. It is forcing your wife to do something she is not able to do well. No business is worth your marriage. This is time to find a business broker and move it out of your lives.

I would begin marriage counseling, with or without her. It would be marriage saving for the both of you to hash out this very sad prison you have both locked into. Your wife behavior makes me think she is very sad and angry. I would find a counselor who is committed to put marriages back together. You need to detach, in some ways, from your wife and reattach in other, more positive ways.

My husband found a book extremely helpful called If He Only Knew. It helps men find ways to reattach to and re-love their wives. It is at my bookshelf, read my mini-review and click through to Amazon for a more thorough reviewing. Many men I know have benefited from it.

I think you are a father. Your girlfriend is now a mother. The best way to make that combination work is by becoming husband and wife. Since both families are footing your education, I suggest that you tell your parents the news and plan for both families to get together right after the holidays. A small wedding, right after the first of the year, would insure you both enough time to get back to campus and find married housing.

You won’t be the first man to go to law school with a wife and family. Your wife won’t be the first woman to put her career on hold until the children get older. 

Undertaking this new responsibility with courage, gallantry, and grace, is the definition of good character. Best wishes and keep in touch.

A related book on this topic written by one of my favorite authors, Maggie Gallagher is The Case for Marriage on my Bookshelf.

Unreasonable – no. You would be shirking your responsibility as a parent if you didn’t address this issue. You are making choices about what you will and won’t permit in your home. These are choices you make everyday as a consumer.