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Week of March 25, 2001

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have a boyfriend who barely talks to me. We never see each other and he never e-mails me. It's like he’s ignoring me for some reason. I don't know what to do. A lot of my friends say that he doesn't like me but I don’t believe them. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should dump him?

Yes. Absolutely.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am in a relationship and I don't trust my partner. We have been together almost 9 months and I am 8 months pregnant by him. I know that I really didn't take the time to know him. That was my fault I have fallen in love with him, but I don't know how to let him know that I don't trust him without being rude or mean about it. Can you help?

You have opened your heart and your body to this man and are now carrying his child. You have trusted your innermost being to him, as well as the creation of one of the most important people in your life – your child. 

It seems that you have become irrevocably involved with someone who you really don’t know very well and you have some fears and concerns. You have a baby on the way and a lot to decide about its future, your future, and your relationship with its father.

Trust is a foundation of any relationship. I think the best way of talking to someone about concerns and feelings in a relationship is to use "I statements." For example: I sometimes feel I cannot trust you because… or when you say that I feel… It is never rude to talk about relationship concerns when the conversation is respectful.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My fiancée called yesterday and we discussed getting together that evening. We agreed to meet at his apartment so I went home, rushed through my evening tasks, and went to his apartment. He was not there so I let myself in, fed the dog and settled in. Two hours later – no fiancé so I left a voice mail on his cell phone and went home. I have not heard from him and I am boiling mad. This is the second time this has happened. 

If he had been saving small children from a blazing building, or in a severe car accident, well, I guess I would understand – this time. However, if he was having a great time with the buddies and losing track of time, or involved with a project and didn’t even call, well, I think it is time for THE TALK.

The TALK consists of discussing how you feel when you are forgotten: "When you forget me I feel unloved…and it hurts…I need to know…I get so worried you are hurt…." Make it clear that this episode is a major event for you and causes all kinds of pain. Make him aware of the costs of his behaviors. Do this calmly and clearly. Then drop the subject. If he continues to be forgetful, you have to decide what you will and won’t tolerate.

Dear Mrs. Web, 

How appropriate is it to call my boyfriend of four years? I have been taught not to call men. However, occasionally, not often, he does not give me a good morning call. I wait until lunchtime to give him a call. Is it appropriate to call him?

Yes, I do think it would be appropriate for you to call him occasionally. It sounds like your relationship has flourished (4 years) by you allowing him to take the lead. Therefore, I wouldn’t change things too much, but I would do the unexpected occasionally.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My boyfriend was called as an expert witness in a lawsuit. The night before he was to appear the attorney representing the case called and said there was a major error in the report my boyfriend submitted. The lawyer was upset and said he hoped this would not cripple or kill the case.

This comment made my boyfriend a total wreck. He called and asked me to visit with him. I tried to encourage him but he seemed quiet and distant. I just waited for him to talk and then I responded. Did he just need quiet support? Could I have done more for him?

I think that you could do no more than to be there when he asked, listen to him, and respond when he spoke. A person’s thoughts can be far away when a problem besets them. Being present and supportive is the role we play in those circumstances.

You showed you cared during what must have been a difficult time for him.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My future in-laws are buying us a home in time for our wedding this May. His parents have made one condition: that the house would be in my fiancé’s name only. This makes me feel like they don’t trust our relationship.

This is essentially a pre-nuptial agreement. My concern for you is future planning and asset building. Since a house is the one biggest asset most families accumulate, you should not be shut out of it. I have a number of letters in my mailbox every week about married 40 year old men who fall for younger women.  

You and your fiancé should come to a mutually beneficial agreement and your fiancé alone should deal with his parents.