Young women love flowers and jewelry. An attractive ring and a bouquet of roses are old and respected ways of telling a young woman you want to be forever remembered in her heart. Dear Mrs. Web still swoons when she remembers the piece of jewelry Dear Mr. Web gave her before they were married.

I think unwed and divorced parents need to separate their children completely from their dating life. Children think differently than adults and cannot understand spending time with someone then having them disappear. 

Remember how young ones react when their best friends play with others?? It is much harder for children to understand change than adults are.

Going to Florida and girl-watch and party is how some 48-year old men act when divorced. I assure you it would not have been fun to go to Florida with a bitter divorcee. I think the important part of this whole thing is that your boyfriend chose not to go. Perhaps the two of you should plan a trip together, a honeymoon, perhaps?

Let’s see if I can help here.

I am going to start at the beginning. Your fiancée left you for your brother. Your family covered it up. Thank goodness you were not married and had children when this happened. Frankly if your fiancée could do this, your relationship did not have a good and firm foundation. It is better that it happened sooner than later. Your family cover-up is very sad. People usually cover up unpleasant news because they hate facing the consequences. Obviously, your family doesn’t work well with relationships.

You were very hurt. In relationships people do get hurt and move on. You have a new wife - at least I hope she’s your wife - and a baby, congratulations! However, this past issue has cut your family in two and now they are placing the blame on your wife. That is much safer than blaming you.

Your former fiancée did a wrong thing, as weak people often do. In some ways, I pity her. Nevertheless, she is now your brother’s wife, your parent's daughter-in-law, and your sister-in-law. Your children are cousins.

Your family does not manage relationships well. In order to function at all in your family you are going to have to accept and forgive what happened. They were all weak people who made self-centered choices. You won’t be able to fix who they are, or change them. However, you can change yourself to reach out to them. Will it be hard at first? You bet.

You don’t have to be in the middle of your brother and his family’s lives but you can socialize occasionally at family gatherings. You can stay connected. If things ever get too crazy, you can always politely leave.

There is one other thing you can do to redeem this mess. You can be the best husband and father you can possible be to your own created family. You and your wife can set loving examples of being everything a family should be, honest, caring, open, loving, responsible, calm, forgiving and understanding.

There is no issue here. You would be nuts to move your daughter into a chaotic, unscheduled environment, and doubly nuts to move your daughter into someone’s life without the benefit of marriage. So, don’t do it.

This man has a chaotic life, failing children, a nasty relationship with his ex, all swirling about him and he wants another family to move in? He has too much on his plate as is. How someone runs his life now is a good indication of what life with him will be like in the future. This living arrangement does not sound like a good fit for you or your daughter. It is not fair to your daughter to be placed in the chaos with uncommitted strangers.

On some levels, both of you are right. Some men tend to look at the surface of the story and see a situation that doesn’t make sense and therefore earns the label: "stupid."

Some women see the pain in the story and name it "sad." Both are opinions. We each have the right to our own opinion. You don’t have to agree with an opinion, but you do have to respect it. Not the content of the opinion, but that he has it and it belongs to him.

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You said you thought you and Louise are falling in love. However, you really haven’t talked to her about it yet, have you? Let us not assume. Check it out.

When individuals become emotionally attached and detached such as this, problems happen. Dating and going out are, frankly, a way of shopping around. People get hurt. That is why I prefer courtship. You are going to need to decide what relationships are valuable to you and choose accordingly.

I don’t give psychological profiles. However, I do have an opinion about it. People who flirt, generally like or need attention from the opposite sex. Flirting can also be a way a woman gains power in a given situation. Flirting can signal availability or lack of self-control. In some areas of the country particularly the South, flirting can be part of the way women of certain classes relate to all men; it is understood there to be all in innocent good fun.

I will be frank with you, I consider any man or woman in a relationship that isn’t firmly engaged (ring and date) or marriage, to be somewhat available. Therefore, I would not consider flirting totally out of line.

However, I feel that a betrothed couple and of course, married couples, have a commitment that precludes opposite-sex attention-getting maneuvers. 

A betrothed who flirts would be a poor marriage bet, because it would show lack of control and judgment. Moreover, a flirting husband or wife with a roving eye would cause great pain to a family. However, there is no reason for people who are in "relationships" or steadily seeing each other to close down their options completely.

That said, I would find a woman who flirts with others when dating some to be somewhat rude. The old "dance with the one what brung you" rule says it is best to pay attention to the one you are with now.

Don’t ever say another negative thing about her. Be kind and solicitous. Whenever she is cranky or controlling indirectly point it out, " Gee, Bertha wants us all to go daisy –picking but we all want to eat lunch…"and drop it in his lap. 

Encourage everyone else in the family to also drop the problems they have with her into his lap. He will spend a lot of time smoothing out the way for his beloved. That is hard work.

Be kind but keep your boundaries intact around her. She will have no one to blame because she is the problem. He is going to be very uncomfortable. This may not completely work. Some totally besotted men will actually marry someone so difficult. Be nice, she may become a family member.

Courtship is a method of finding and choosing your forever life-mate. It has become popular in the conservative religious communities and is slowly spreading as teens and adults find they need a better way to develop and evaluate relationships.

Courtship requires people to get to know each other as friends within each other’s family settings. Courtship requires both participants to rely on and work with other trusted adults to discern whether this particular person would be the best person for a future marriage and family. Courtship helps people plan their futures together.

There are many forms of courtship models currently available. Some require large amount of direction and intervention by a parent or other trusted adult and others have the parents involved but not directing everything.

I like courtship because it takes the sexual pressure off. It asks you to bring potential life-mate into your home and into your life so you can assess them in the everyday, not on dates. It asks you to spend time with the person in only group settings thus keeping the sexual pressure to a minimum. Additionally, it has you talking directly to another adult or group of adults you respect and who care about you about the relationship. So, lifetime decisions are not made in a alone and in a romantic thrall.

Courtship is becoming popular and I expect it will make a bigger impact in the coming years. I think people are tired of bouncing from relationship to relationship and marriage to marriage. Marriageable men and women are looking for ways to better ensure a lifetime commitment. We all know the old dating and serial relationship methods don't work. It is time for courtship. As usual, Dear Mrs. Web is again on the cutting edge of social change.

Which makes me wonder why you are spending time and emotional energy on no future? You seem to be a fantasy world. When someone says nobody’s home, it doesn’t matter whether the lights are on or the music is playing. They are not home to you.

You are feeling the normal feelings that happen when you open your heart to someone and become emotionally close. People do this because they want intimacy. One usually does this with people who are open to relationships. You sound lonely. When you do this with someone who won’t be going anywhere with you, the two of you are participating in mutual emotional masturbation.

I can’t really answer the rest of your questions because it would be like fishing in a teacup.

I am afraid on your computer screen is about as close as it comes. Of course with the new hand-helds, all sorts of Dear Mrs. Web portability opens up….

I don’t know. Whenever a confrontation occurs in a relationship several things can happen. He could be ashamed or embarrassed about his behavior and needing to keep his distance. He could be angry that you called him on his behavior. He could also be evaluating the difference between both your value systems. 

At your new high school, you say nothing about your past. If you are confronted about your past behaviors, I would say it is a lot of gossip and it hurts when it is brought up. That is the truth. Then change the subject. Have a couple of subjects thought out ahead to use to change the conversation.

Lean on your Mom. She loves you and wants you to do well. Your counselor can help you try out new ways to act with your friends. I have a lot of faith in you.

Since you are considering marrying her, would it make sense to begin an engagement? Your needs are to go slowly, and her needs are for commitment, perhaps a year’s engagement would be a good way to work to both your advantages. Her expectations are normal. A young woman who has spent almost a year of her life with a young man should expect a ring and a date.

It sounds like you are dealing with a man who has a hard time settling down and really doesn’t need to have you around much. You have become a touchstone in his life, someone he drops in on and comes back to occasionally, but really doesn’t or isn’t able to maintain an ongoing relationship.

Somehow your letter reminds me of the old sixties ballads about the man who disappears and comes back and cannot be tied down and the women who accept these behaviors. You know the "Someday we’ll be together but I am a Travelin’ Man…." Snore.

If you want to, you can wait around for two years, assuming you have a ring and a date. Do I think he will become more thoughtful and connected after marriage? I would doubt it.

Let me define our differences so you will understand what I am saying. You say you are in a "wonderful and committed relationship" with your beloved. Dear Mrs Web defines a committed relationship only one way: marriage. Everything else ends too easily and is too painful for children (and their moms and dads!).

As wonderful as this man is, he does not have the commitment or understanding that you and your ex-husband have for your son. You are right, he doesn’t understand.

I am going to tell you what I would do in your situation. I would either marry the man or move him out. If I married him, I would realize that he would have a qualitatively different relationship than my ex or I would have with my son. There will be times he will hurt and disappoint my son, and these will be opportunities to teach and learn for our family. We all, in family situations, occasionally disappoint each other. Learning from these bumps in the road gives us strength of character. Marriage provides the framework to make this an acceptable risk.

In my opinion, no child should go through this kind of emotional workout with the man who is playing house with Mom. It is not fair to the child. Children need foundations to stand on when doing this sort of work. "Boyfriend" is not enough. A child does not gain strength of character in uncertain circumstances. Instead, they are confused.

You are normal. Your boyfriend was at a party where a stripper performed. It sounds like he got seriously drunk. He even stuffed her G-string. In some circles, this is normal behavior for men. Not in mine.

You are disturbed by what occurred. This is a difference in values. Perhaps you need to look at this difference and decided whether this something you want to address. In my house if this sort of thing happened, I would have a long talk with my beloved about how I thought his behaviors affected our lives. I would hold him up to a higher moral standard.

My dear, you are needy and want a baby. Babies are fun and wonderful, but they need a lot more than you can provide single-handedly. The last thing any baby needs is a unwed mother. So stop thinking of yourself and think of the others involved. That is the true mark of a mature person.

Before you make a baby realize you need a committed husband, not a boyfriend. Your baby needs two parents married and committed to each other. It is unfair to the baby to use it to make you feel good. Do the hard work, and find, and marry a good, caring man who will support you while you stay home and care for the children. Do not expect any less.

So, have a baby with the man who will stand and proclaim in a marriage ceremony that you are his wife and that he commits to raising your children together. Anyone else is just a loser.