Well…there are six other days in the week, sir. They are available. I suggest you make up for lost time.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My wife devotes all her time and emotional energy to the kids and their activities. They are 14, 17, and 18 years old. She refuses to attend any of my business social functions. She has never been affectionate towards me, even when we were dating, and never initiates lovemaking. Now I rarely do either.

We have been married 25 years. I recently was diagnosed with depression. When I talk to her about how I feel, she attempts to improve, but it only lasts a few weeks. Then she reverts to her old self. I am beginning to think divorce is the only answer.

You are in a lonely place and I can understand why you are entertaining thoughts of divorce. However, there is something I find significant in your letter. You said that when you talk to your wife she attempts to improve – although it only lasts a few weeks. She tries but she isn’t successful or it is very uncomfortable for her.

People do not change deeply ingrained patterns or lose fears easily, even with the best of intentions.  It takes re-training and lots of support. You have not mentioned marriage and family counseling. I think you both owe it to those children to get yourselves into marital therapy, and if needed, individual counseling. Look for a therapist who shares your worldview and respects your religious beliefs, if you have them. 

Your feelings are not wrong, but they are getting in the way of having normal family relationships. We live in a culture where some people gain and lose family members because of divorce.

Your husband’s first wife has taken on other roles in his family’s life, that of close friend of your sister-in-law, as well as mother to a family grandchild, niece/nephew. I don’t get the impression she makes life difficult for you, as many ex-wives do. I gather you are objecting to her because of she was once married to your husband and it is awkward.

You have made it a her-or-me situation. The family wants to include both of you for different reasons.  She is now a family friend and mother to a family member and your are your husband’s wife. In my opinion, it is time for you to find the inner resources to behave gracefully at events when you both attend. Do I think it is an ideal circumstance? No. I think it stinks. When you marry someone, however, who has been previously married, you marry the family, children and sometimes even the ex.

On some levels, both of you are right. Some men tend to look at the surface of the story and see a situation that doesn’t make sense and therefore earns the label: "stupid."

Some women see the pain in the story and name it "sad." Both are opinions. We each have the right to our own opinion. You don’t have to agree with an opinion, but you do have to respect it. Not the content of the opinion, but that he has it and it belongs to him.

Well, everybody can change, if they want to. It sounds like you have a good reason to change; your marriage is sinking. There are many ways you can get help. Start marriage counseling and a read a great book on my website called If He Only Knew in my Bookshelf. It will give you some idea about how your wife is feeling and how you can respond to change your marriage.

Trust is the foundation of marriage. Your wife does not trust you. She has some good reasons to be concerned. The industry you are working in is very hard on marriages. Musicians, and other entertainers, especially well-known ones, are in the midst of alcohol, drugs, and sexual acting out. 

The headiness and glitz of the industry can change people. Performers change and grow for their audiences. As a wife and perhaps, mother, your wife’s concerns are somewhat reasonable. No woman at age 34 and with three kids wants to be dumped for a groupie or record exec. In this day of easy divorce and lack of commitment, this isn’t a stretch to imagine.

On the other hand, you could be having affairs while pumping gas. Many of the choices you'll make with respect to your marriage commitment will be dependent on your character, and how you choose to keep it intact. Marriage, especially marriages with stresses of separation, adulation, and travel need more communication and work than the ones with a 9 to 5 life.

In your shoes, I would get into marriage counseling with my spouse. Trust-building would be the focus. Your wife may have insecurities that your behaviors are setting off. In addition, you both need to examine your expectations about marriage.

It is time to learn the details of marital communication. You need to know how to communicate with her so she feels connected. In addition, she needs to learn how to enter your world and become comfortable in it. She needs to know it and understand it, because this is part of you. I would, of course, expect you to do the same for her. You are a team working together to design the lives that you both want. There is nothing, in my opinion, that supports one more than a solid, strong marriage.

Do not misunderstand me, I think the marriage comes first, even before a world-famous career!  However, I think that the issues do not make it an either/or situation. With full commitment and communication and hard work you might be able to have both.

My advice? Buckle on your brassiere and put on some modest clothes. You’re being used.

Let’s see if I can help here.

I am going to start at the beginning. Your fiancée left you for your brother. Your family covered it up. Thank goodness you were not married and had children when this happened. Frankly if your fiancée could do this, your relationship did not have a good and firm foundation. It is better that it happened sooner than later. 

Your family cover-up is very sad. People usually cover up unpleasant news because they hate facing the consequences. Obviously, your family doesn’t work well with relationships.

You were very hurt. In relationships people do get hurt and move on. You have a new wife - at least I hope she’s your wife - and a baby, congratulations! 

However, this past issue has cut your family in two and now they are placing the blame on you and your wife.  Your family wants to close this issue, and no longer deal with it.  It is over as far as they are concerned.  But it isn't over for you.

Your former fiancée did a wrong thing, as weak people often do. In some ways, I pity her. Nevertheless, she is now your brother’s wife, your parent's daughter-in-law, and your sister-in-law. Your children are cousins.

Your family does not manage relationships well. In order to function at all in your family you are going to have to accept and forgive what happened. They were all weak people who made self-centered or easy choices. You won’t be able to fix who they are, or change them. However, you can change yourself and reach out to them. Will it be hard at first? You bet.

You don’t have to be in the middle of your brother and his family’s lives but you can socialize occasionally at family gatherings. You can stay connected. If things ever get too crazy, you can always politely leave.

There is one other thing you can do to redeem this mess. You can be the best husband and father you can possible be to your own created family. You and your wife can set loving examples of being everything a family should be, committed, honest, caring, open, loving, responsible, calm, forgiving and understanding.  Your children will flourish with such examples.  So will you.