Purchase attractive note cards for each of them, sit them down, and teach them to write a thank-you. There is no substitute for a written note. 

This is a skill they need to learn.  It shows they took the time to be thoughtful, and is a hallmark of good manners.  Each year I include a pack of note cards under the tree for each child.

This is a difficult subject to talk about for a number of reasons. I am going to try to address it because I am seeing more letters in my email box about the topic. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, it is a controversial and emotional topic. Nevertheless, here is my opinion.

First, studies show that currently in the United States over 90% of the parents use corporal punishment at least occasionally. 

• Those who occasionally swat a bottom to get their child’s attention or make a point;

• Those who have a well-thought-out disciplinary system which also includes physical punishment;

• Those who unthinkingly lash out physically;

• Those who beat and bludgeon helpless children, whether out of control or for their own sick twisted pleasure.

This encompasses a broad range of parent, motives, and behaviors. It is unproductive and unfair to group these different behaviors together. Parents who spank are not, for the greatest part, child abusers. Some people however, define any and all corporal punishment as abuse.

I have had a number of people tell me that no child should ever be hit, and that spanking a child is abusive. I no longer agree. In my opinion, there are many ways to abuse a child. The emotional abuse some children suffer with the unchecked and sharp tongues of their parents is large and pervasive. I am not talking about ignorant or dull parents who name-call, although they certainly guilty.

I am referring to the educated and intelligent parents who are verbally abusive and or emotional hostage-takers. Parents who wrestle control or beat their children’s souls and break their wills with crafty logical arguments, pervasive nagging, and cruel chastisements. Families where a child never measures up, or is always expected to perform flawlessly. These parents may not have laid a hand on the young one, but have caused huge pain and damage.

I have seen children who are not able to permit their hearts to really like anything, because their parents have overused consequences and revocation of privileges. They have spent too much time in parenting classes learning techniques, and not enough looking into their child’s eyes or at their spirits. Anything these children would hold dear would be held over their heads in exchange for compliance. Therefore, I am not an immediate admirer of parents who announce, "I never would hit my kids." There are many ways to "hit."

At this time, in our country, there is a great reluctance to discuss corporal punishment as a disciplinary tool. Many individuals are fearful of being labeled a "child abuser" or even losing their children to the whims of their state departments of welfare. Moreover, we have all heard of overzealous state welfare workers who have disrupted families based on erroneous information or personal prejudices.

It is unfortunate this discussion taboo is in place, given the large proportion of the parents who do use physical punishment. My opinion is that since many families do use physical punishment as part of their discipline choices, parents should learn how to use it effectively, kindly, with discernment, and appropriately. They need to learn not to react in anger. Parents need to learn how to discipline themselves when using physical consequences with their children.

I certainly wouldn’t start training 20-month-old twins the finer points of child etiquette by practicing with my exquisite porcelain collection. 

Two year olds? Two days? Move everything breakable out of sight and reach. Snap heavy-duty elastics onto the cupboard knobs. All medications and poisons under lock and key. 

Frequent trips to the local playground and a bottle of bubble bath for early tub before bedtime. Then you and your sister can sit back and catch up.

My heart goes out to you. Your son’s problems may be more severe than Ritalin can handle. I would immediately make an appointment with the family physician and tell him or her what is going on in detail. Request referrals to a child psychiatrist for an in-depth evaluation. When in with the psychiatrist be an advocate for your son. Describe his behavior and detail your concerns. Ask for appropriate referrals in your community for help for both of you, as well as a medication reevaluation. His behavior sounds serious and dangerous. Best of luck and keep in touch.

I think you should step back to the wall raise your hands and drop all your expectations. This is not yours, you can not go there. This belongs to your sister and her birth daughter. Let them find their own way.

When you have a child in danger you act. In this case you act by notifying your local welfare office, often termed Department of Human Services and have the child removed from your sister's custody. You can be appointed guardian and be able to take over the child's parenting. Sometimes people think that a dreamy, neglectful parent is safe, but in their own way, they are just as abusive as a physically abusive, violent parent is.

A very wise old man once told me that a great way to change a person's attitude is to send them out for a walk (If there is a blizzard out an exerciser is a good alternative). So at our house the miserable one has to go walk the dog. And the dog is walked until the attitude is changed. 

When the child returns my mental question is: "Self, is she 'done' yet?" If I don't see a substantial difference in posture, facial expression and attitude the dog gets walked some more. 

Like beach glass, sometimes you have to throw them back two or three times. After the poor attitude is walked out I make sure we reconnect. We talk, play a game, or do a chore together. I want to hear what's going on. Eventually the grumpy one opens up.

I would stress your experience and ask her if he has had any sort of neurological evaluation. I would say in my kindest voice that if he were mine, I would request a referral from his medical practitioner...it could be nothing but it would not hurt. Then drop it. It is now in her ballpark. If she reacts negatively, remember she is probably overloaded. Give her grace.

All two year olds tantrum when things don’t go their way. This is normal; it's why they call them the "terrible twos." Some times they are three or four before they stop.

Your little guy thinks he is in the center of the universe. He honestly does not have the brainpower to understand why the cosmos does not rotate around his desires. Therefore he tantrums because it is the only way he knows to tell the world it had better knock it off and obey him. This is how two year olds think, it takes them a while to get past it. Tantrums usually scare the toddler even more than it exasperates the mom. They sometimes get so overwhelmed they can’t stop.

Do not take it personally, he’s not mad at you, he is mad at what you won’t let him do. Let him know you are there to hug and hold him when he is ready. I always gave my kids their teddies and huggie blankets so they could have them right near them when they stopped. I would sit nearby and wait until they were finished.

Two-year-old children are not consistently obedient. That is not what they do, and they also tire easily. Don’t expect a lot from young children late in the day or before meals.

Little kids, like your young son, do not do things to make you upset. They do things to explore their surrounding and try things out. You get upset because you expect him to act differently than a two-year-old should. Relax, all moms do that at times.

Your two-year-old sounds like he has a lot of energy. The best thing to do with a high-energy child is to run it out of them. Out doors, walking, running biking, strollering -  whatever moves you - fresh air will be your friend. 

I have a friend who runs her three boys up to two hours every afternoon from three to five. She has the best aerobic workout any mom could want. Instead of hypnotizing your son with Barney, buy a secondhand sport stroller and walk. Go to the park and play. Ball, swing, slides, mazes, keep that little guy moving!

When things are really tough at my house in the toddler department, I make a cup of hot tea, grab a book to read and take the toddler, and stick him in a bubble bath with every possible bath toy available. Just a couple of inches of water. I sit there in the bathroom; I never would leave him for a moment, and read and sip tea while he splashes away. A friend’s mother once said parents would have fewer problems with their kids if they gave them lots of long, fun baths, and I agree.  A busy afternoon, a late afternoon bath and early supper for a two-year-old, with bedtime following, can help give a mom the down-time she needs.

By the way, stop potty training your two-year-old. Put him into pull-ups. Don’t worry about it. I always assume my kids would potty train sometime before they were married. That took the pressure off me. They all were dry when they were ready. Between 21/2 for my easiest girl to 41/2 for my little boy.

I had never spent any time with babies and children when I brought my first one home. I joined a weekly play group. I read a lot and leaned on many other moms for help. That’s how women do it. I also recommend Your Two Year Old.  It is part of a series explaining normal development and abilities  through age fourteen.  Another tremendous book is Your Baby and Child : From Birth to Age Five.  Both very helpful.

Find interesting active things to do: walks on the beach, at the park, and at the playground. Go wherever you can have there energetic and sturdy bodies exercised. Use strollers, tricycles, wagons, and any other manner of locomotion they can handle.

I also help begin my children at play when needed. I give them some ideas such as "Nice truck, why don’t you take your blocks and build it a garage? Or " I would take these items and those items and build a city or outer space station or… I don’t play with them but I do give them ideas to jump off into play.

Remember to purchase toys that are open-ended. Capes and jackets instead of character dress up clothes that force them into the character’s role. Fill the toy boxes with building blocks, Legos, tiny trucks and cars and lots of construction equipment. Stuffed animals that are not cartoon characters but look like real animals, story tapes and their own cassette players. Don’t buy toys that have the answers built in. Let the imagination roam!!

By the way, place puzzles, clay, paints, and games with pieces up high out of reach to be taken down by a parent and used with supervision. Until 6 or so many children use these item as bitty parts or missiles, when unsupervised. They can’t help it; it is just too fun!

This boy is at the edge of puberty. In your shoes, I would advise putting him into family counseling. His father, you, and his mother will all need to learn how to help, guide, and direct this child. He needs attention.

It is time for the adults in his life to clear their calendars and focus on this child. It will be important to work with the counselor to help this child find a niche and a way to shine in life. You will be surprised at how positive attention will change a child’s heart. He is at a good age to catch this isolating, angry behavior and turn it around. However, it is going to take time, attention, and commitment.

I think unwed and divorced parents need to separate their children completely from their dating life. Children think differently than adults and cannot understand spending time with someone then having them disappear. 

Remember how young ones react when their best friends play with others?? It is much harder for children to understand change than adults.  

If someone made the commitment to send your children a gift, your child has an obligation to send them a thank you note. I think a child who has not been taught to write thank you notes to be poorly brought up.