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Clammy Guy, Denomination Woes, and Feeling Betrayed
Dear Mrs. Web, There is a boy at our junior high school who is gross and weird. He is always trying to pull our shirts up pretending it is an accident. He is always talking in a suggestive way too. He is a creep. We mostly ignore him but he is a pain. The guys hate him too. What should we do? Every junior high school class in the country must be assigned one of these kids. At my school, it was overbearing Albert with his clammy, moist hands and bad breath. Speak to your parents. Ask them to intervene. Your school guidance counselor is a good second choice. This boy needs to be reeled in to learn some manners! Dear Mrs. Web, My ex-husband and father to my three children 12, 8, and 6 has changed dramatically in the past two years. We were married in and attended a mainline Christian denomination before our divorce four years ago. He began attending a Pentecostal church with his now fiancée. He has become an attentive father and has the children on alternate weekends as well as each Wednesday. He insists the children go to his Pentecostal church on the weekends he has them instead of bringing them to our church. Now the children want to go to his church every Sunday and I don’t want them to go there at all. I find the worship distasteful. How can I solve this? The father of your children is Pentecostal and barring a religion clause in the custody decree, has a right and obligation to raise the children with knowledge of his faith and denomination. You share religious education and upbringing. You can solve this by realizing that Pentecostals and mainline religions are both Christian, honor the same God and use the same book, the Bible. Each denomination may emphasize different issues, but they are all walking in the same general direction. You and your husband both will need to tie both your denominations together for the children. Your will need to develop tolerance and grace towards your husband's denomination. Dear Mrs. Web,
I found out a guy I was interested in was dating my best friend and me at the same time. My friend and I discovered it and I assured her that I wouldn't let him come between us.
Therefore, I told him to stop calling me, and he did. My friend continues to see him, which is her choice. I thought he was a friend and feel betrayed by his sneaking behavior. I feel hurt and angry. What should I do?
Exclusivity is the domain of courtship, betrothal, and marriage, so I don’t have any problem with him dating both of you at the same time. People who date are shopping around.
I do have a problem, however, with someone who is not honest about his other interests. If he deliberately misled you, you now have a snapshot into his character. This should be a major factor in choosing and keeping friends. Relationships can downgrade or upgrade depending on a variety of factors; honesty is paramount.
One question: Any part of you still mad at your girlfriend who is still dating this guy who treated you so poorly?
Getting What You Want, First Grade School Problems, Sloppy Teenagers, and Leaving My Job
Dear Mrs. Web, Why am I interested in only dating men who are not interested in me? Nice, but boring guys always ask me out. In the meantime, I ache to be asked out by guys who don’t pay me the least bit of attention or don’t even really know me. Sounds like you never get what you want. Some people spend their lives never getting what they want. Part of getting what you want consists of being wise about what you pick to want. Reality-based desires are more likely to be filled. Dear Mrs. Web, How do I cope with my son’s teacher? He is in first grade and his class is always in an uproar. My son comes home with headaches and doesn’t seem to be learning much. What should I do? It sounds like your son’s needs and the teacher’s style are not a good match. Are there other classes available? If there are, transfer him to a quieter class. If not, think about homeschooling or private school to get him through the primary years. I have noticed smart mothers network with other parents to find the best classroom and teacher for their children’s needs. Dear Mrs. Web, My teen son and daughter are slobs. They never pick up clothes or lift a finger to clean after themselves. The bathroom looks like a monsoon hit it. Their rooms are indescribable. How do I cope? Some homes have a rule if an object is out of place it gets sent down to the basement or garage to a great big trash can which is brought in on Saturday to be emptied. All towels, clothes, toys, remotes, everything. The experience of pulling mildewed damp towels out of a bin that has also held other perhaps even favorite things makes for a rapid conversion to neatness in many a teenager. For teen bedrooms, I recommend closing the door. Once a week demand used food plates and glasses. Reward a pick up and cleaning once every month to six weeks. Reward the cleaning with a privilege. Dear Mrs Web, I am probably going to be fired soon. My employers treat their employees poorly and I have made some waves. My employee file is full of my evaluations and the "praises" that I have received over the last four years. There are also a couple of "incident reports" for discipline measures: two errors and frequent call-ins over a 6-month period. I requested a copy of my file so when job hunting. I was told that I could look at this information in my file but could not make copies. I cannot file a policy anywhere that states I am not allowed to copy that info. Can my employer keep me from getting this info? Is there anything else I can do to protect myself from being blackballed by this employer? I do not know whether your "own" your employment files as one "owns" one’s medical files. For various reasons, I suspect that employment files are the property of the employer, and that this may vary from state to state. If this were the case, your files would have to be subpoenaed to obtain them. I would contact a good employment issues attorney for a free consultation and bring this question.
Big Fight, No Drive, Girlfriends and Loans, and Should I Leave Him?
Dear Mrs Web, My husband and I have been married about two years. Recently we have been having a difficult time in our relationship. Last night we had a disagreement that escalated into a shouting match. I said some terrible things to him and he grabbed my arm and pushed me against the wall. He then walked out and didn’t come home until morning. We still are not speaking. Should I file assault charges? You both found out how nasty things can get between you. He almost lost complete physical control and you found that you own a cruel and cutting tongue. Filing charges in this circumstance will do nothing to help the marriage. Instead of the police, you both should call on a marriage counselor to help you pick up the pieces and learn how to not let it get to this point again. Dear Mrs. Web, My husband is not interested in sex. We have been married twelve years and have been to a number of sex therapists and he has been to our doctors twice for a full evaluation. He has also been in counseling for the issue and nothing has changed. He doesn’t like men and he doesn’t use pornography. Every four to six months he gets up enough of a head of steam, but that’s it. Usually he would rather be doing other things. It is very lonely for me. I tend to focus on the children. What should I do? There are some things that just aren’t fixable, perhaps it is time to take the focus off them and decide what kind of great life you can have despite this disability. Find other things in common that you can share. Moreover, remember this is not about you, it is him. Sex is only five or ten percent of any marriage but when there is a problem it can take up seventy-five percent of the marriage energy. I suggest you also dissipate any anger and energy in daily physical exercise, a good workout every day or two. Dear Mrs. Web, I have been dating a very nice woman who recently asked me for a loan. She wants to buy a house and needs a down payment of about twelve thousand dollars. She wants to pay me back monthly and sign loan contracts. I am very comfortable and could easily write the check but I am uncomfortable about this. Should I do it? I recommend keeping dating relationships out of any possible financial quagmires. No, let her find the money somewhere else. Dear Mrs. Web, I've been married for 15 years. Three years after we were married my husband got into some trouble. I thought at the time he was wrongly accused. I worked 3 jobs to pay a large restitution to keep him from getting a felony sentence. Subsequently, he began stealing from the children and me. By this time I was 9 months pregnant and not working. He started having affairs and threatened to fight me for custody. I have tried on several occasions to get our family into counseling but he refuses to continue because the therapists focus on his behavior and he feel it is unfair. I went back to school so I could be more self-sufficient. He recently did some stupid things and then tried to commit suicide. He was hospitalized for two weeks. He always tries to put all the blame on me because I'm not the size I was when we married. He verbally degrades me. I have no money but he does pay all the bills. I need financial help until I finish school in 2 more years. Should I throw in the towel or do I try to see if there is anything to be salvaged. I don’t really see that you have anything to salvage. You have been married to a felonious, irresponsible, cheating, cruel, childish, blaming, controlling man. What is worse is that he refuses to see his contributions to the problem. Nor is he the least bit repentant. What you have is a bad situation, not a true and functional marriage, and you have been stuck for a very long time. On the other hand, this is the father of your children. So, like it or not, you will have a lifelong relationship of some sorts with this man. What I don’t hear happen in the relationship is your boundaries – "Straighten out, Bud, or it’s over." You are asking me, I think, should I stay or should I go? I need to rephrase it to: "When should I leave this relationship, take the children, and find a better situation and negotiating position for my marriage, my children, and my future"? The answer to that is (as long as you and the children are physically safe) when you can afford emotionally to go through the trauma and difficulties of a confrontation and separation. People like your husband who walk all over people and get their needs met at everyone’s expense tend to make separation and divorce harder. They don’t like being left. Go to your college Counseling office. You should begin there to find a marriage positive, but realistic counselor who can help you walk through this decision process. Keep in touch.
Behaving Like a Cad, "Little Boys Don't...", Undisciplined Mom, and The Neighborhood Terrors
Dear Mrs Web, I went out to a film with an old female friend from college who was in the area for a few days. Afterwards we went to a local brewpub and met up with several other friends. A woman I have been interested in for weeks asked for a ride home so I jumped up and obliged. My old friend is furious with me for leaving her at the pub with our friends. She chewed me out and has cancelled our Thanksgiving plans. What do I do? You behaved like a cad. One starts and ends an evening out with the same woman, friend or love interest. Anything less is rude, ninth grade behavior. Forgiveness for such loutishness begins with flowers and a card imploring mercy. Use words like "stupid thing to do", and "thoughtless". Do the right thing. Dear Mrs Web, Getting my ten-year-old son into a tub has become a bigger battle each time. He seems to be allergic to soap and water. I have actually begun to resort to bribery. When is this going to end? Although not a distinct developmental stage, aversion to water is seen in many prepubescent children, predominately male (although I distinctly recall several stinky girls). As Hobbes said to Calvin in the comic strip: "Little boys don’t smell so good". It will end when he is well into puberty and develops the ability to drain the water heater with his continuous showers. Just wait. Dear Mrs. Web, My wife and I are raising two children. She had a very rigid upbringing. She was not given a lot of freedom and did not have many material things from her parents. They were strict, demanding, and undemonstrative. My wife is a quiet, but warm woman who gives our children everything they want and never disciplines them. They are quite unmanageable and spoiled, I am sorry to say. We have had many long conversations about this problem without solution. What next? The children of strict and demanding parents are sometimes undisciplined and indulgent parents. The opposite is also true: undisciplined, indulged children often grow up to become overly strict and demanding. People tend to either copy their parent’s parenting behavior or become their parent’s opposite number. The essential issue here is balance. Your wife needs to go beyond overreacting to her parents style to making parental choices bases on the needs of her own children, her own family, and her own present needs. I recommend a round of family counseling to overcome these echoes in your family. Dear Mrs. Web, We have four neighborhood children who pack around together and pick on all the others in the area. They take away toys, hit children, and are sometimes (minimally, so far) destructive to property. What should we do? The parents of the children and property being affected by these little terrors should have a cup of coffee together and elect two to meet the with the little darlings’ parents. These two should bring the problems to these parents’ attention. Most parents will reel in children when politely informed.
Smoking Mom, On My Own, and Disagreement With Mother
Dear Mrs. Web, My mother smokes cigarettes. I want her to stop. It stinks. She won’t listen to me. How can I change her? This is a tough lesson to learn, but you can’t change people. They have to change themselves. Write her a letter and tell her of your concerns and your love, then drop the subject. Loving people despite their faults is a sign of true maturity. Dear Mrs. Web, I am alone after thirty years of marriage. I have raised three children who are on their own. Friends and family keep telling me I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. In our family, I have been the fixer, and the picker upper. I always have put my family first. I am finding it difficult to put myself first now. I find myself feeling guilty, like I should be doing something else instead. I have always done all the homemaking and most of the child rearing. Now things are scaled back I find that I have extra time on my hands to just sit and relax. This too, makes me feel guilty. How do I adapt to this new life? It sounds like you have been standing on your own two feet, and helping others, to boot. I think you need some balance. On one hand, you need to use your gifts of giving and helping, volunteering might fit the bill. On the other hand, you need to learn how to give yourself breathing room just to "be". No one can take your "guilt" away. You own it. It is wholly yours. You need to replace it. Instead of feeling guilty, make yourself a big list of things to do that are comfortable, relaxing and soothing. Keep it close at hand and choose from it whenever you have extra time. Dear Mrs. Web,
I visited home last weekend. My eight-year-old brother was missing. He had been missing ten hours. It was a crisis and police and neighbors were involved. He was finally found. He had been at a new classmate’s house about a mile from home. This is not the first time this has happened.
You both went through one of the biggest crisis imaginable – a lost child. After such an event, emotions are particularly open. We identify with the victim. It is normal.
Emotionally and developmentally, eight years olds have different needs than teens and adults. They even think differently, concretely, and understand things best in black and white. Spanking can be a way to get their attention.
Your mother made a decision to spank based on her perception of your brother’s needs. She obviously wanted to make a deep impression, for this is not her usual method of discipline. A wandering child is a danger to himself.
This was not a thoughtless lashing out but the deliberate evaluation of a concerned mother. After a difficult time, it is best to extend grace. You are both doing the best you can. If I were you I would apologize for any hot words, and move past this.
A Seventies Throwback, Stealing Files, and He's Leaving Me
Dear Mrs. Web, I dated a man this weekend for the first time. He told me that he always sleeps with the women he goes out with on the second date. He asked me out for next weekend. He was nice in all other ways. What should I do? I don’t want to sleep with him but I did like him. Well, in my humble opinion, you should cash in this seventies throwback and change your phone number. His demands are way out of line and indicate a selfish, self-centered personality. Dump him or be his doormat, your choice. Dear Mrs. Web, I work in a field where I develop my own files. I will be jumping to a new job soon. I plan on taking my address book. My new employer is encouraging me to bring my present files. What do you think? Lying, cheating and stealing? I'm against them all. This sounds like stealing to me. Another concern: what kind of people are your new employers? When you are around people who have poor moral values don’t be surprised when they cheat you. Find a better new job. Dear Mrs. Web, I do not want this divorce, but am powerless to stop it. My husband says that there is no going back, that I will always be his best friend, but he doesn't love me as a husband. I still love this man with all my heart. How can he just throw all
these years away? Please help. A concern I have is that your husband still considers you his "best friend". This man is having cake and eating too. You need to establish some new boundaries with him. One is not the "best friend" of the person who has wrecked one's marriage, pledged his heart to another, and broken one’s heart. There are other places to stand in your relationship with him, but not there. I highly recommend a book by James Dobson to help spouses come to terms with unwanted (by them) separation and divorce. It is called Love Must Be Tough. I found wisdom in this book about the issues you are dealing with, that I have found no place else. I think it would help you immensely.
Doggism, Old Clothes, Widows and the Holidays, and More on Two-Year-Olds
Dear Mrs. Web, Our friends own a dog that is the center of their universe. We all socialize together and "Bowser" must always be included. "Bowser" is a decent and well-mannered dog but sometimes I don’t think it is appropriate for it to be attending all the parties again this year. They brought that dog to our Christmas Eve get together. What do we do? Some people practice the religion called "Doggism". Their dog is the most important "person" in their life. They fund all the Doggie catalogs one sees during the holidays, you know, the ones with the dog-sized Santa suits. The practitioners of Doggism are basically welded to their dogs. I suggest you give in or give them up. You could buy "Bowser" a Santa suit for your next party and consider him a party decoration. Dear Mrs. Web, I am married to the best husband in the world except for one little problem; he won’t throw away his old clothes. I have discussed it with him to no avail. The man owns shirts and pants that are literally rags. He wears them for chores. You can see his underwear. He often stops by the hardware store and transfer station on Saturday morning in these clothes. I don’t see any other of the husbands in our neighborhood dressed so poorly. How can I get him to part with his "Saturday clothes." I am not sure you can. I recommend that you patch his clothes so his underwear no longer shows. If he continues to wear them patched and all, you are probably married to the neighborhood eccentric. The neighborhood will survive and so will you. The folks at the hardware store are used to seeing some sorry cases lined up to purchase items for chores on Saturday morning. They won't even notice. Dear Mrs. Web, A friend just lost her husband after a short illness. She is childless and has no close family; her parents died this year too. I want to invite her for the holidays but my husband says we shouldn’t because it might be too painful for her. What do you think? I would give her an open invitation to any and all of your holidays and let her decide. Some people need to cocoon themselves during their grief; others tend to feel suffocated by the loneliness. Let her know if she does come, she can leave at any point. Dear Mrs. Web, In yesterday’s letter, you recommended insisting a two-year-old hold a parent’s hand. How can you say that? Some two-year-olds just don’t do what is asked of them. My two-year-old whines and cries when I make him hold hands. I didn't say the toddler would be happy about holding a parent's hand. I said that the child must learn to comply with this request. Basic safety is at stake. At two, a toddler must learn that certain things are required of him. It is part of the civilizing process.
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