Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!

My eleven-year-old son was thrown off the school bus this week for disrupting a ride home. I have to drive him now and I am late for work. Is there anyway I can prevent them from throwing him off the bus again?

Certainly, by making sure your son knows his life will be intolerable for a long time if he ever dares to get himself thrown off the school bus again.

Dear Mrs. Web,

We have a problem here at the office. We are all missing money and small things from our desks and purses. It has been going on for a while and we think we know who is doing it. Should we confront him?

You think you know who is stealing. However, you don’t really know. I would never confront anyone and question his or her character without solid evidence. You are talking about someone’s good name. Chip in for a lock box for the office until you catch the thief.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My doctor wants me to take a pill because he says I am depressed. I don’t want to take a pill. I am not in the least crazy. I’m just a little sad.

I don’t think your crazy, and neither does your doctor. You probably are a little sad. Sometimes one is sad because of life circumstances and sometimes one is sad because one’s brain chemicals are not in harmony. Give the pills six months and see if your sadness disappears.

Dear Mrs Web,

I am having difficulty deciding on a major. I am enrolled in a languages program but I really like anything to do with arts, computer graphics, etc. I am also interested in filmmaking, magazine work, fashion designing, advertising, animation, film creation, and graphics design.

My current college does not really carry these courses, it is very small and has limited arts and technology departments. I am concerned about losing my scholarship and whether I will be able to find another one.

Career counseling offices in universities often give help. They often give complex computerized career tests to help students narrow down their interests and best and most efficiently pursue their goals. I do not know whether these services are available at your college. Go in and talk to them.

There are also off-campus career counseling courses. I am familiar with only one from Larry Burkett’s Christian Financial Concepts

It is clear to me that the arts are where your heart and interest lay. Your interests are in the production arts end of the business world. There is great opportunity, in my opinion, in graphics and film, especially in industry. I would talk to people who are doing the work you want to do. The Internet is the home to many professional organizations that you can use to email and talk to people with your interests. Use it.

Also contact schools and universities that have degrees in your areas of interest. Email the career counseling departments and speak to them about how you can become matriculated. Let me know how you do.

September 28, 2000

Should I Stop Drinking? Disappearing Father, Adoption Question, and I Love My Best Friend

Dear Mrs. Web,

I like the occasional drink. My wife has been on my case. She feels I drink too much. I have one or two mixed drinks when I get home from work and perhaps a beer or two if we are just sitting around. If we are out to dinner, I’ll have a couple of more drinks over the evening. She is starting to talk as if the Betty Ford Clinic is in my future. What do you think?

It must be a real thrill for her to sit there each evening watching you get sloshed. The definition of "an occasional drink" is to have a drink on a holiday or special celebratory time.

Your wife thinks it’s time to stop. She lives with you. I agree with her. If stopping doesn’t work, Alcoholics Anonymous is available.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My mother died last February after a brief illness. Dad started seeing a local divorcee in July. He told both my sister and I at her son’s birthday party yesterday that he will be spending Thanksgiving with his girlfriend and her family. We asked him whether he would stop by for part of the day and he said no, they had other plans. We are upset. What should we say?

Your father is either besotted with love or numb as a hake (Often the two conditions combine…but that’s a different letter.). You both should sit down with him, and tell him how important it is to you both to spend at least part of the holiday with him, especially this first year without Mom. Let him know your feelings. Then let it go. It will be his decision.

Dear Mrs. Web,

Should I adopt my daughter’s upcoming baby? She is fifteen and wants me to raise it. I am thirty-eight and recently remarried. My husband and I had different plans on how to spend the rest of our lives.

You certainly don’t sound ecstatically happy with the idea. I think your family would want to explore adoption. Your daughter and you should visit a few agencies and talk to some adoptive and birth families. See if it fits.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am 17. My best friend is a guy I have known for years. In the past two years, we have become very close. Last year he was "in love" with me but I just wanted to be friends. Now I think that I am falling "in love" with him. What should I do?

In my opinion, the best relationships and marriages begin between two good friends. Good friends have an in-depth knowledge of each other that never is achieved in a traditional dating relationship. If your friend is someone of good character, and you both want a dating relationship, I cannot think of a reason to walk away.

September 27, 2000

Tortured Girl, Gentle Man, and Selling the Family Home

Dear Mrs. Web,

My thirteen-year-old daughter is in the local junior high school. She has always been a quiet, bookish girl. She doesn’t have many friends and none at the school. She has run into some problems with other children in her classes. They are calling her names, shoving her against the lockers, and ganging up on her. They don’t hurt her as much as humiliate her. The ringleader is a new girl in the district. This began last January and I thought it would end with the new school year and everyone growing up a bit. However, it hasn’t and I don’t know what to do.

Your daughter is being tortured by a group of bullies. I would not wait for these adolescents to mature. This is not something that clears up quickly or easily. It is not a physically or emotionally safe place. Your daughter is being damaged in the process. If she were mine, I would move her into another school immediately.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am involved with a genuinely kind man and we are planning a future together. He doesn’t have any great wants and tends to "go along to get along." He is very tenderhearted and I love him dearly. We have talked about him going back to school. Today he said he was just as happy to stay where he is, he clerks in an electronics store. I have a good job and can support us both comfortably. But I am concerned about his lack of interest in the future. I guess I am having some doubts.

I have known a number of strong women married to gentle souls. At first, they enjoyed the control they wielded and freedom they had in their marriages. They never expected, however, they would always have to carry the burden of the family. They were exhausted for they juggled work, finances, and the decisive role in childcare, home maintenance and homemaking. They were the family decision-makers. These women were all close to their husbands, but the men didn’t have or want to take a leading or partnering role in the relationship.

In healthy relationships couples roll balls of responsibility between them so no one gets stuck. These women felt stuck. If you are thinking of marrying this man you need to realize that this is as good as he gets. Be honest with yourself – can you live with it? Forever?

Dear Mrs. Web,

I want to sell my house and buy a smaller one. My husband died three years ago and this big place is too hard to keep up. My adult children are all begging me to stay here. It is "home" for them. I hate to leave but I don’t know what to do.

If it is such a big barn of a place why don’t you turn a portion into an apartment for yourself? The rest of the house could be given to one of your children. The family place stays in the family, you get to stay too, and the place is kept up by younger, stronger backs.

In others times and places parents considered themselves fortunate to live out their lives under the care of loving family members. The children and grandchildren also considered it a privilege. If everyone bends a bit, everyone could benefit.

September 26, 2000

The Engagement Ring, Making Time, and Workplace Abuse

Dear Mrs. Web,

My wife and I were at a restaurant last week. There was a couple sitting at the next table. He was crying bitterly and she was handing him tissues. The waiter went over to them two or three times. The man eventually got himself under control and then she left.

He started to leave and said something inane to us. We replied quietly and pleasantly. He pulled up a chair, sat with us, and joined us for coffee. We just listened to him. Then he left.

Dear Mrs. Web, he paid our check. In addition, after he left, we found a beautiful diamond engagement ring in my wife’s dessert plate. The restaurant won’t look in their records to tell us who he was so we can return the ring and thank him for dinner. It is a very expensive ring. What should we do?

I would place an ad in the classified section of your local papers saying that you have the ring left at The Whatever restaurant, and your telephone number. Run it for two weeks. If you don’t hear from him, I would say that you were rewarded for behaving decently. Perhaps the proceeds from the ring could be donated to charity.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have been dating this girl for about a month now. We were good friends before we started dating. I want to do something to show how much I care for her.

We are both busy. During the week, we both have school, then I have sports practices, and she has dance classes. The time we have to spend together on the weekends is limited too. What could I do to surprise her and how can I find time?

The gift of time is the most important thing you can give your beloved. I cannot make time for you but I must emphasize that most busy, overbooked schedules are that way because of choices we make. Nurturing a relationship takes time.

There are seasons in our lives when, due to school or work commitments, dating relationships are not possible. One just cannot do justice to the attention and commitment they require. You can fulfill all aspects of your life, but sometimes not at the same time.

Dear Mrs. Web,

We work at a well-known, high profile state agency, but we are "back room workers". One of the agency stars and second in command is verbally abusive and threatening to the staff. He actually stands over us and screams.

The agency head refuses to deal with this issue except superficially because of the political connections and gains to be had from this bully. We are all within ten years of retirement. We are at our wit's end and one of us has a small stroke after a session with this man. We just want to have a decent working environment. What should we do?

First, I would make sure that the stroke victim is immediately transferred to a different department…and put on paid leave until the transfer can be effected. A strongly worded letter from her doctor is a beginning.

All of you should go to a law firm that specializes in workplace problems. The best guns around. Do some research. If you are dealing with well-placed people, you will need a big, powerful firm to go against them. I don’t like lawsuits but sometimes powerful people get out of hand and abuse the people who have to take it. This is a true abuse of power. It is inexcusable.

September 25, 2000

The Clean House Club, Divorce Echoes, and Dating More Than One Man

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have recently moved to this community. It seems that all the women here belong to the Clean-House club. Their homes are immaculate and decorated to look like catalog shots. Their children all win medals, championships, and scholarships. Their husbands all work out with them and I am sure they all have perfect diets for their perfect teeth and hard supple bodies.

I guess my husband and I live more in the world of ideas. We have books piled up everywhere and the kids have been known to wear the same shirt to school two consecutive days. Our neighbor’s children have a white clapboard and trimmed playhouse. Our children built a monstrosity out of leftover lumber found in the basement. The problem is that it really doesn’t matter to me except when I connect with some of these women. Then I feel myself getting shabbier and fatter by the minute. They are very kind and sweet; it’s me. What should I do?

There is room in every village for an eccentric. It can be, in time, an honored and respected role. You will never know how some people envy your relaxed attitudes.

I have always found that when I look at "perfect lives" closely, I find the same alcoholism, cancer, mental health issues, deaths, and other tragedies we all encounter. Some people just police their boundaries differently. This knowledge helps me stay grounded when some perfect size seven is telling me all about Martha’s (Stewart, of course!) latest program.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I am a thirty-eight year-old mother of three wonderful elementary aged children. I had an increasingly difficult relationship with my former husband. I spent a lot of time trying to work with him to save the relationship but quite frankly, he was not at all committed. He left and our divorce was final two years ago. I wanted to be a good wife and mother to the children and now I fear that I have failed the children. I am working an office job that allows me to be home with them after school and I do my best but sometimes the enormity of my failure overwhelms me.

My dear, you have not failed, your marriage failed. One can blow on the dead embers of the soul of a marriage for only so long. When one’s spouse is emotionally and sometimes even physically gone, when there is no return in the give and take of relationship, when one is faced with the deadly stare of indifference, it is over.

There is a time to mourn a dead marriage and then a time to heal and move forward. Loss never completely disappears, but instead echoes in the passing years. What you may be feeling is not only the pain from the initial loss/failure but also the vulnerability of exhaustion and heavy responsibilities. This can magnify any negative feelings and thoughts. Keep in touch.

Dear Mrs. Web,

I have always been the one-man kind of woman, even when I am just dating casually. Recently I started seeing three different men, two local guys, and one who lives out of state.

Should I inform each that I am seeing other men? We all are dating casually and it is awkward to bring up. I have not lied to any of them but I don’t want to cause any major misunderstandings. What should I do?

I am unsure of what you mean by dating casually. If you are dating different men, the person you date Friday night has no claim over what you do Saturday night. There are no strings in the dating relationship. Exclusivity is for betrothal and marriage.

There is, however, no such thing as a casual sexual relationship. Instead, it is people using each other to satisfy various physical and emotional needs. Relationships that include sex are often assumed monogamous because of the level of intimacy. People often get hurt with these unclear boundaries

Do you want to continue to have casual dates? Do you wish to deepen your relationship with one of the three? How you proceed will depend on these answers.

September 22, 2000

Odd College Roommate, Cats, Unusual Child, and Strange Boyfriend

Dear Mrs. Web,

My roommate is acting funny. We are freshman here at this big, well-known university. He is a quiet guy but he has started talking to himself. He also has covered the horizontal surfaces of his room with napkins and towels. This morning I realized that he hasn’t been to class all week. Tonight, he just doesn’t seem to be making much sense. What should I do?

It is not uncommon for a young person away from home for the first time to have a break with reality. Tell your Residence Director or call your university counseling emergency number immediately. Expect that your roommate will go to the hospital for an evaluation.

Dear Mrs. Web,

My nine-year-old daughter is begging for a kitten. My son is allergic to cat fur. What can I do?

Obviously, you cannot have a cat unless you get one of those gruesome, blue, hairless ones. Have you thought of guinea pigs or other little cute furry objects? A dog? Really small dog? Parents can usually cut a deal with their children. Your daughter will come up with some other ideas. If you are not careful, she may parlay this into a horse.

Dear Mrs. Web,

We recently discovered that our only child who is one year old is seriously behind in her development. She is a merry and happy baby but she is just rolling over and sitting up and she should be walking now. Our doctor is somewhat concerned and has scheduled her with a specialist. What do we tell people we encounter who ask about her age and development difference?

The same thing you tell anybody, that she is a bit behind in her development, then change the subject.

Dear Mrs Web,

I am living with an unusual but sweet man. My family does not like him but they really don’t understand him the way I do. He has a temper but he has never hit me. He won’t come in for my family’s parties. He just sits in the car, reads books, and listens to music.

My family mostly ignores him but my sisters want me to move back home. Sometimes they go out to the car and bug him and make him angry. Then he screeches off and I have to beg a ride to our apartment or take a cab. It takes me quite a while to calm him down. I don’t want to give up my family, but I love him.

I am always concerned when a woman says "no one really understands him the way I do". She is setting herself up to be dragged away from her life and family in her mission of "understanding". A bad-tempered man who can’t get along with your family is a poor choice as a husband or a father for your children, no matter how much you think he needs you. If you think his personality is going to improve over time, you are kidding yourself. If you need to be needed go volunteer at the pediatric unit of your local hospital, but chose a life-mate for the good, loving qualities he exhibits toward you and others.

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