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Lying, Sizing Him Up, and Should I Leave the Children?
Dear Mrs. Web, I am a liar. I lie about big things and little things. Sometimes I shock myself as I listen to the lies that come out of my mouth. It seems to be a habit. I want to stop. How? You make a decision: no more lies from this point forward. Then you keep your mouth shut and open it only when you choose to tell the truth. If you hear a lie inadvertently slipping out, you stop, apologize for being mistaken, and correct the lie. Within two months, expect that the habitual lying will end although you may catch yourself backsliding occasionally. When you have succeeded you will have added slabs of good muscle to your character. Dear Mrs. Web:
I am not reading here about the careful, tentative evaluation that is needed to determine whether to initiate and continue a relationship. You don't seem to be looking at his character, habits, family, attitudes towards children, faith, values, beliefs, or any of the other numerous issues that can make or break a marriage. You seem to have your mind already made up. He is fitting some basic criteria and you seem to be hoping for a future with him already. You are not seeing clearly, girl. In this stage of a relationship, the way you tell whether he likes you is the same way you tell whether anyone likes you. Does he want to be in your company? Does he initiate some contact? Is your relationship like a tennis game with the ball going back and forth between you? Or are you lobbing all the balls over the net with very few return shots? Men can smell a desperately eager woman at sixty paces and tend to take advantage of them. A friendly, interested, reserved woman who is fun to be with interests men. A woman who takes time to really see the man, and not project her hopes onto him. Dear Mrs. Web, My husband wants to take a long romantic four-day weekend away. My mother who lives near by has offered to move in and care for the children, who are 3, 5, and 7. My best friend has offered to help too. This will be the first time I have ever left the children. Should I go? Yes. If the children will be safe with a close, responsible and loving relative, go. Your husband is clearly saying he needs and wants your companionship. Have a wonderful time!
Waking Up Grumpy, Should He Call? Should She Tell? and Being Truthful
Dear Mrs. Web, My husband wakes up grumpy and angry each morning. It takes him about an hour for him to pull himself together and act like a decent human being. If anyone in the family crosses him before he is in a better mood he snaps at them and is very unpleasant. Before the children came I just avoided him, but now he is treating the children poorly. When I speak to him about it he gets defensive and says he is "just that way". What can I do? Avoid him. Teach the children to avoid him. Negotiate with him to have him isolate himself in a room until his poor mood lifts. Since he doesn’t see a reason to try to change his churlish behavior, you need to protect yourself and the children from it. Dear Mrs. Web, I met a wonderful woman at a barbecue this weekend. We spoke for a long time and shared a table during the meal. Before she left, she asked me for my phone number. I very happily gave it to her but I neglected to get her number. She hasn’t called yet. Should I call our host, track her phone number down, and give her a call? I would give her until next weekend to call. If you still are interested, look her up and call. Dear Mrs. Web, Yesterday my brother who lives overseas called our family members to tell us that he is marrying a local woman. The wedding is next weekend. No one in the family can fly over so quickly, and we feel terrible. My mother is very upset. None of us have met his bride-to-be. When his fiancée got on the telephone to talk with me, she began to describe the upcoming wedding. This is not a quickie wedding at the local justice of the peace. They have over two hundred guests. This had to be in the works for months. Should I tell our mother? Why didn’t he tell us sooner? Evidently having you at the wedding was not a priority to him. It would spare your mother additional anguish to keep your discovery to yourself. Dear Mrs. Web, My new roommate here at the university is nice but he asks me to answer the phone all the time and tell the women who call he isn't in. I don’t like it. What can I do to stop this? I would tell him that you will continue to answer the telephone but will no longer say anything except the truth. That ought to stop it.
New Friend, Man Next Door, Dad's Old Friend, and Insults
Dear Mrs. Web, I have been somewhat attracted to the man next door. He is married to a nasty, fat witch. She travels quite a bit with her company and my husband is out of town a lot too. There are no children involved. I would like to get to know him better but I am worried about him just being right next door. What if things don't work out. Boy, did you write to the wrong column! Frankly, infidelity is stupid. It is a form of lying. Don't act like a moral-zero. Dear Mrs. Web,
It is not uncommon for people thrown together in new environments to find a friend with whom they deeply resonate. In a new setting, a person who has similar values, thoughts, and beliefs really stands out against the background. It is perfectly normal and happens all the time. You said that previously a close friend had hurt you. Remember, in making a close friend immediate resonance can be a part of the mix. However, in the long term, observing how a person treats you, other friends, acquaintances, animals, and strangers is a better indicator of a potential friend’s character. Dear Mrs. Web. Dad has been dead for years. His best friend since boyhood recently moved into our area. He is in a wheelchair. He contacted us and we went over to the group living facility where he lives and brought him home to join our family’s Fourth of July celebration. He is nice enough. My wife now says we should have this man over occasionally on weekends and invite him to our holidays. Until now, our holidays have been family-only events. Sounds like you married a generous-hearted woman who sees someone who might like a change of pace and some connections to better days. What a treasure! Your family will survive the addition of this old family friend. It might even thrive. Dear Mrs. Web, I have just started here at the university this semester. One of the professors started the first class by insulting my religion. When I objected he insulted me. What do I do? Your three obvious choices: 1) Stay and take it. 2) Leave. 3) Sue. Although I don’t like lawsuits, if a professor at a public university insulted me and my beliefs, I would sue him and the university into the middle of next week. Contact the Rutherford Institute.
Unexpected Visitor, Divorced Parents, and an Untrustworthy Uncle
Dear Mrs. Web, My uncle who is my dad’s twin took me to dinner and a movie Saturday. He then stopped at a friend’s party with me for "a minute". He got roaring drunk and the party scared me. I think there were drugs and some people were swimming without clothes. I am fourteen. I walked home three miles and didn’t get home until 2 a.m. I got up and went to school today like normal. Should I tell my parents? Yes. Your uncle’s choice and behavior was inappropriate. Your parents need this information to protect your brothers and sister as well as you. Dear Mrs. Web, Since I have been together with my husband, we have been dealing with the issue of his mother stopping by our home unannounced. Initially she had a key to the house and used to let herself in. We have had the locks changed (twice). She often stops over now we have a newborn baby girl. My husband has asked her on numerous occasions throughout our relationship to call before coming by the house and she has chosen to ignore these requests. I feel she has a basic lack of respect for our privacy. Please tell me the proper etiquette for coping with "drop in visits". Is it unreasonable to ask her to call before coming over? You don’t have an etiquette problem; you have a family boundaries problem. It is time for your husband to sit down with his mother over coffee and lay out rules for visits. Write them down if needed. He has the perfect excuse for the change with a new little one in the house. However, make sure she understands this is a permanent change, not "until the baby sleeps through the night." You both have the roles of enforcers. When she shows up open the door and tell her that it is inconvenient for her to visit now but to call and set a time. Then close the door. You may need to repeat this several times. Major boundary breakers are often a bit slow catching on to new rules. Dear Mrs. Web, I divorced my sons’ father five years ago. To his credit, he has stayed involved with the boys. My problem is that he never says no to the boys. He gives them both whatever they want and never disciplines them. Consequently my relationship with the boys is deteriorating (I am always the heavy) and they are a becoming a little wild. I am worried about their teenage years. It is hard enough with a nine and eleven year old. You will need to sit down with the boy’s father and negotiate family counseling with the four of you. Once in counseling you both can begin to work together to present a united front for your sons. Divorced parents who are able to overcome their differences for their children’s sake have a special place in my heart. It involves putting the children first.
Is It Too Late? Stress-Puppies, A Nasty in the Neighborhood
Dear Mrs. Web Saw your letter about the out of control twelve-year-old boy. He sounds just like my son. Are you saying it is not too late to straighten out my boy? It just gets harder, but it’s never too late, right? No, sometimes it is too late for some kids. I am saying it will be hard to straighten out an older boy but with effort, major boundaries, and help, it can happen. Dear Mrs. Web, One of my friends cannot get a grip on his life. There is always some disaster looming and multiple disasters often occur. He works heading up a drug rehab center. When I see him, I get knots in my stomach anticipating the stories he will tell. His personal life is a mess. Someone is always giving him a hard time and he always sounds so principled. He seems so upbeat as he tells these horror stories. I think he is really amazing but I like him less and less. Your friend is a true stress puppy. These people live in chaos and actually thrive there. Although they say they long for normal, don’t believe it. This is their normal. Often stress puppies have had a chaotic childhood and are recreating those adrenaline-pumping feelings as well as garnering the many compliments they receive about their strength and convictions. The best thing to do with the stress puppy is to acknowledge his great burden, listen sympathetically, and separate yourself from their problems. Respectful detachment works here. Dear Mrs Web My neighbor has 2 boys ages 12 and 9 who are pick on smaller children. Last week for 2 days in a row, they kicked, hit, and spit on my seven-year old son. I yelled at the boys. They went home and told their mom that I hit one of them. She called and asked me about it. I said no. She said vulgar things about my children and me and said she would call the police and have me arrested for assault. She didn’t call the police, but she has told the entire neighborhood that I hit her son. Now she won’t let my kids in her yard, and they don't speak to us. What should I do? You know, if I were you I would not want my children near those little
bullies so I would see their cold shoulder as a blessing in disguise.
Arrange other playmates for your children. I would also keep a close eye
on your little ones for bullies can carry a grudge and vendetta for a long
time.
Wanted Visitor? Inappropriately Dressed, Amazing Gifts, and Hard-to Handle Son
Dear Mrs. Web, My ex-mother in law is terminally ill. I had a good relationship with her when I was married to her son. I left that family ten years ago with no hard feelings. We had no children. She did say that she would stick by her son (the rat). We never kept in touch. I would like to see her but am unsure whether I would be welcome. What should I do? The only way you are going to find out whether you are welcome is to ask. Call her and ask whether you can visit. Dear Mrs. Web, At church yesterday there were two young girls in bathing suits, t-shirts, and sandals. Over thirty percent our church is made up of older people who did double-takes. I was flabbergasted. Dear Mrs. Web, I have gulped at the women in pants, shaken my head over the sports shirts, low cut and skimpy tops. However, this was too much. Am I over-reacting? You are dealing, not with bad people, but with ignorant, unmannered people. Our choices of clothing signify nothing less than our respect for the occasion, our regard for the other attendees, as well as our opinion of ourselves. Celebrations and events such as weddings, funerals, and church, temple, and mosque services deserve clean, attractive and somewhat formal clothing. Not sports clothes, and never bathing suits unless attending an wholly underwater service. Perhaps someone could approach the mother of the little offenders and ask discreetly whether she could use some good girl’s dresses for church. The only way to have standards is to set standards. You do this by letting people know kindly, but firmly they were out-of-line. Dear Mrs. Web, My husband is always bringing me home something he thinks I want as a surprise. These expensive little surprises are so unusual that I am unsure about what to do with them. First, there was the Pekinese. Then, he arrived with scuba diving gear, then the matched pair of jet skis. Now, a full-length mink which is beautiful but…it’s not me. I don’t know what to do or say. When one receives a gift, the first words out of one’s little mouth should be thank you. "How original!" "What a nice color!" and the ever popular "How did you ever come up with the idea?" are good follow ups when stricken with momentary speechlessness. One way to get the gifts you want is to talk about and show him what you like. "Mmmmm wouldn’t I just love to hike the Himalayas next summer Godfried!" or "Wouldn’t I look nice in a new diamond tiara?" are good examples. I am the mother of three young boys. My oldest is twelve. He is becoming a handful and is mean, sassy, and rough with his young brothers. He has taught them crude language and spitting at others, among other things. I work second shift and he has run our family through a lot of babysitters because he makes things difficult (I hate to even admit this.). Before he only acted up with the sitters, now he is beginning to act up with me. He can be a wonderful kid at times but at others, he is becoming a true nightmare. I don’t know what to do. You have an out of control young adolescent male on your hands. You don’t mention a Dad in the house, is he in the picture at all? Your boy needs some firm boundaries and major consequences. Involved fathers can do this well. You need to stop the behavior and find ways to bring him under your control and gain his respect. Remember your younger boys are watching very closely how you respond to their brother’s antics. By stopping him, you will help prevent this continuing in the younger brothers. If the boy's father is not available are you involved with a church or other organizations that knows how to handle young boys? They can be godsends. They know how to burn off boy-energy in constructive ways, and require and model high standards of behavior. Look around your extended family and community to see what kind of help and resources you have to help you pull this guy into line. ToughLove (see my links page) is another option that can help. It teaches parents how to put firm boundaries around their children. I also recommend Parenting the Strong Willed Child (see my bookshelf for this and other recommended parenting books). Good luck and keep in touch.
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