Goodness gracious! 

It seems as though you have a history with them, of really making a muddle of things.  So it is only normal for them to expect the worst. 

The only thing I have seen work in these situations is abject, humble apologies. With flowers. And good chocolates. A real crawl. If everyone’s heart is able to forgo the lid of anger and coldness, relationships can work again. 

However, in your shoes, I would treat this woman with a bit of distance.

I do not believe in anonymous letters. I think they are not to be trusted. Too many people use them to hurt people. In your shoes my thoughts would be: if you believe that his stories are true and it would be right to do, sit down with his wife and tell her your concerns. His wife and baby are at risk for the sexually transmitted diseases this bounder drags home as well as lawsuits and criminal actions if he continues to have sexual encounters with underage girls.

Keep away from him, he is, in the immortal words of my grandmother, a crumb.

Aren’t you the underage boy with the 19-year-old girlfriend? I think you are swimming out of your depth. Your parents have given you limits. I think you need to follow their rules. They have your future in mind and I can assure you that if you are fiddling around with your girlfriend, your future is dim. Do you really want to be a father at 17?

I happen to believe that a true mark of maturity is the ability to accept limits, as well as honesty. Purchase and read I Kissed Dating Good Bye. It is on my website bookshelf. .

I don’t think any state would have a problem with a 16 year old dating an older woman. The problems occur if the adult has any sort of sexual contact with the minor. 

So you shouldn’t have any problem…oh, you are?  In that case, each state has different rules about sexual contact with a minor. You will need to call your local police, the state attorney general’s office or look through the state penal code.  

Before you do that though, sign up at your high school for a good active sport like soccer, basketball, or track. You sound like you need a good, tiring sports workout six or seven times a week.

I much prefer courtship to dating.

When dating is an issue though, I do agree that the traditional ways have their charms. However, we do not live in a traditional world. Many couples go Dutch on casual dates such as movies or sports events. Long-time couples sometimes each pay their own way to otherwise unattainably expensive events they wish to share together.

On the other hand, I would not want my daughters footing the bill for their date’s entertainment and food costs. Women can provide picnics and outings of a creative nature that do not make them bear obvious costs. My dear, we both are getting old!

Your lawyer will be able to tell you how the courts in your state look upon this issue. I would imagine that your former husband has an enormous say in whether his daughter leaves the area.

If he has been at all involved in her life, it would be terribly unfair to rip her Dad away from her. Perhaps, in this case, your fiancé would be able to find work somewhere in the area, if necessary. She comes first.

Yes, she could get pregnant but it is not likely. Whenever young and healthy people mate, or try to mate, their bodies are designed to make a baby, and will try to do so. 

If you are having these sorts of situations in your life, at age 15, your biggest problem, is not a possible pregnancy.  Your biggest problem is how you value yourself and others.

I am afraid I am a bit tough-minded about this issue. I cannot separate rights from the words "privilege" and "responsibility." Young people have certain true rights to expect and require from their caretakers: three hots, and a cot, safety, a minimal education as required by the state, and basic healthcare. Just about everything else is a privilege. Moreover, privileges are earned by showing responsibility, and have responsibilities attached to them.

We live in a culture soaked in the word "rights." From the Bill of Rights, to patient rights, to the right to die, to the right to own some bauble, or to be offensive, the word has been twisted to increasingly meet the needs of the unreasonable.

So my response to a youngster who is demanding something in the name of his or her rights is to really name what is going on and remove the word and all its self-righteousness from the discussion. I would say: "The word "rights" is a smokescreen. Actually this isn’t about rights; this is about you wanting your own way. You don’t want to respect my authority in this matter. Now we have this out in the open we will discuss why you can/can’t have this privilege and its responsibilities."

It is the responsibility of the adults in children’s lives to help the children understand what authority is and how it benefits them. Authority, well-applied, provides the limits children need. We have too many quasi-adults running around who hate the responsibility, weight, and difficulties authority entails. So they duck this responsibility, play buds with the kids, and then wonder why the children blow them off. There is a certain, to use a popular expression from the last election cycle, "gravitas" needed when dealing with children as their caregiver, parent, guide and protector.

I do not in any way mean harsh, authoritarian means of intimidation or manipulation. Instead, I mean that although pleasant and warm, one should be authoritative, and directive when necessary. Underneath it all, children should know that an adult will take the important issues to the mat with them, and will win.

That is why I favor courtship over dating. I think it is an emotionally safer path for relationships and the best way to find one’s life-mate.

Next, dating is about shopping. Most people think it is a venue to grow relationships. That is not true because it is such an artificial situation. 

You are not unusual, I hear many women and some men tell me they have a difficulty maintaining a dating relationship.

Get out of the meat market and read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and other books about courtship.

My grandmother used to call divorced women "grass widows."  I just love the phrase. The official formal social title of a married woman is Mrs. John Smith. With a divorcée, if she keeps her former husband’s surname, she becomes Mrs. Mary Smith.

Where is your husband on this issue? Is he having a hard time turning down his family? Do you both need to stand together firmly? You are not to face his family, or even do most of the talking. It is his family and he is responsible for protecting his marriage and children from their demands.  

The only way to stop being a doormat is to get up off the floor.  A polite "Gee, I’m sorry, we can’t help you," from him or the both of you is appropriate. No discussion, case closed. Repeat it as often as needed until the begging/anger/words of entitlement stop. They will probably will go away mad. Everybody gets mad when the cash cow runs dry. Once you stop giving money out, you will discover how much real commitment these two have to you.

You are obligated to respect and honor your parents and family, not to feed and shelter freeloaders. So, you are obligated to give them directions to the local welfare office, and the local homeless shelter, (and even a ride to the offices) but not the keys to your family’s finances.

Let me give you one piece of information: friendship is not about being completely open. Friendship includes the flexibility of tact, warmth, and discretion.

I don’t know why you are still carrying this issue around. Quit worshiping and worrying it and let it roll off your shoulders. Moreover, continue to behave yourself around her beloved.  Dance at their wedding with a clear conscience.  You both did the right thing.

We have different values, you and I, so you will need to bear with me. Unlike you, I think what you went through was momentous, not a mere biology experiment.

You put yourself in a sexual situation with a young man who was not your beloved, betrothed or husband. You opened your body to him out of curiosity and a sense of "let's get it over with" which is a reflection of the beliefs you have gained from the common culture through the media. It sounds like you went into the sexual act while emotionally numb and continue to feel numb about it. How sad. Sharing your body is an intimate and private moment reserved for the beloved, the person who accepts and loves all of you.

I consider sex as a physical manifestation of sharing the heart. I am sorry you were with a young man who did not value your body and heart enough to walk away.

You have told your friends and now it is school  gossip. Sex between two who are beloved is an intimate and private subject, not something to be opened to the scrutiny of friends. We live in a time where sex is discussed casually in the media and people model casual sex on television. However, the magazines and television shows are all orchestrated public relation manipulations and scriptwriter fantasies. None of it is based on the reality of human emotions.

It seems as if your emotional numbing has made you not able to understand the big deal of mechanically rubbing you genitals with someone. In one sense, you are right, when looked at in such a narrow perspective, it is just genital rubbing. However, when your heart, soul, and body are involved instead of being cut off, it is momentous. Your friends are reacting to the momentous whole.

Your friends are gossiping. The best thing you can do is to ignore it and move on. You now have some insight into the importance that your friends attach to sex outside of committed relationship. You broke the norm. You are going to have to work a bit to regain your footing with your friends. 

Both you and the young man used each other. Because of the intimacy involved, your relationship, although it may not ever go forward, cannot go backwards. It is forever changed.

This is all about your moral perspective, how you value yourself and others, and how you want to treat others and be treated in the future. Given your experience and your friends' reactions you will need to decide whether you want to link your heart emotions and your sexuality together in your life or keep them split apart.